To Go or Not To Go, That is the Question

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Celia recently sent me an article byMelissa Kirsch of the New York Times. In it, Kirsch talks about the oh-so-modern joys of not showing up for a previous commitment: the sense of dodging an obligation, the delight of just not having to do anything. Apparently, this can go for both parties, as a recent SNL sketch points out - the pleasure of doing nothing for an evening versus the horror of having PLANS. 

Of course, modern forms of communication make it easy to sort-of-commit and kind-of-back out. In the ancient days of yore (prior to 1995) one had to phone friends to rope them into a casual get-together, which meant if you, the invitee, wanted to back out, you actually had to pick up the phone and talk to the person you were standing up. This was done by hacking loudly and pretending to be sick, or having your children/dogs/spouse wailing in the background. Either way, you felt guilty.

 

Now, however, plans might start with a text: Hey, thinking about getting together at the new sushi place next Friday? You in?

 

Notice even the invite is pretty conditional. The invitee might reply: Sounds good! Let me know the time.

 

The word “yes” does not appear. However, the invitee adds the date to their phone calendar. When Friday rolls around, over a week later, the invitee is beat, and just wants to collapse on the sofa with a drink and a new episode of Slow Horses. Instead, they’re appalled to get a follow up text: You still on for tonight?

 

Unlike ye olden times, when a host held the guests feet to the fire with a firm expectation they would show up on time (with a bottle of wine or some flowers) the modern ‘host’ is giving the invitee three clear freeway lanes to make an exit. Which the invitee does: Sorry, not a good time. Catch you later, though.

 

Reds, how are you about making plans and keeping them? Do you issue formal invites? Are you deeply relieved when you can skip an event relatively guilt-free?

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Really, boringly, old-school here. If I commit to something, I will do it unless I am literally on my sickbed, even if sometimes I would much rather be collapsed on the sofa with a homemade cocktail and the newest episode of Bake Off! On the other hand, my social calendar is not all that demanding!

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, me, too. I’m there if I say I’m there-if I have to cancel, I hate that.  

However, I have to say if the other guy cancels, that’s kinda fine with me. I had an event with a very fancy author some years ago. I was supposed to interview her for something, and for some hideous reason that had nothing to do with me, we had to cancel. 

When I called her with an alternate date, she applauded. Yay, she said,  we can do this another time, and I get my afternoon back. When I continued to apologize, she stopped me. Hey, she said, how often are you unhappy to get time back? 

Got to admit she had a point.

But it’s got to come from them, not from me.

And thinking now–we have friends who ALWAYS cancel. It’s so funny–I kinda count on it. Oh, I say to Jonathan–that dinner will never happen. 

 

LUCY BURDETTE: I’m pretty good at keeping plans too. However, I do consult John first before accepting something. That gives us a chance to say, we’ve really got too much going on here and need some down time. (It’s quite busy in Key West and a person could end up out every night if they weren’t careful…)

 

HALLIE EPHRON: I try not to make dates I won’t be able to keep, but honestly as you get older, it’s hard to know just how you’re going to feel. I’m a lot more forgiving these days with my friends who over and over make dates and cancel. They’re doing their best, as am I. I still want to see them… hopefully another time.

 

RHYS BOWEN:  I hate to let anyone down. I put everything on the calendar instantly and if I say I’m going to be there, I am, and on time. I’m obsessive about being on time, while John has to be dragged out of the house. If I invite someone and they cancel at the last minute I don’t think I’ll be inviting them again.  However, I do realize as we get older that doctor appointments get in the way of things we’d rather do.

 

JENN McKINLAY: Hub and I are in accord that the best plans are canceled plans. Probably, because we’re out 1-2 times per week for his gigs, we’re full up on the social and a weekend off is a glorious thing! That being said, there are friends and family that I don’t even check my calendar for - if they reach out I will meet them any time, any place, any day, anywhere. I am an on time person, never early but rarely late more than a minute, but I am a ghoster. I leave parties without saying good-bye because it takes another hour to say good-bye to everyone and when I want to go, I just go. 

 

JULIA: Okay, dear readers, now it's your turn. Do you go or do you ghost?