Sunday, August 26, 2018

An Old Friend

INGRID THOFT

During a recent visit to Boston, an old friend reached out to me via Facebook.  I hadn't seen him in over ten years, but we've kept in touch and made a plan to meet for breakfast.

My friend and I first met when I worked at Harvard and was in charge of the human resources website.  The site was in need of a major overhaul (this was in 1999), and I selected his firm from the contenders.  I loved the work that the company did, and I loved the team that did it.  They were a funny, smart, and talented group, lead by my friend, and once the work stopped, he and I would have the occasional meal or coffee while I lived in the Boston area.


My husband and I eventually moved to Seattle, but my friend and I stayed connected, and when I met him for a breakfast a few weeks ago, it was as if the intervening decade hadn't happened.  We fell into easy conservation about his daughter's gymnastic accomplishments and my underwater adventures.  He talked about his newfound love for running marathons, and I updated him on the world of publishing.  Although we caught up on the past, more of our conversation was about the present and the future, and perhaps that's the key to this kind of friendship:  An excitement in learning what comes next for the other person.


This friend is not the only person with whom I feel an affection and connection that isn't dependent upon proximity or frequency of visits.  My closest friend from college could walk in the door, and I guarantee within ten minutes, we'd be lounging on the couch talking about anything and everything.  Some people just click, and it's a gift when circumstances put you in each other's universes.


What about you?  Do you have any friends like that?  Do the years melt away when you reunite?

37 comments:

  1. How lovely to have such a special friend, Ingrid. Sadly, I sometimes think people have a tendency to take friendship for granted, but having friends makes the world so much brighter.
    Some of my friends are scattered around the country, but distance doesn’t really make much difference . . . .

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  2. I'm blessed to have a number of friends like that. About a year ago I finally got face to face again with I guy I ran around with in high school, but hadn't seen in all the years since. As an adult he has become a wonderfully accomplished artist in partnership with his delightful wife, and last year I commissioned them to make a stained glass sidelight for my entryway. I drove to their studio in North Carolina to pick it up, and we spent a weekend talking through all the changes in our lives. It was as easy and fun as it had always been.

    Just two weeks ago I spent a couple of days in Fort Worth on business, and made a point of booking time to meet four old friends over brunch or dinner. It's probably been a couple of years since I had face-to-face time with any of them, but we jumped right in where we'd left off with hardly a pause. It was great!

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    1. That's fantastic, Gigi. You really do have to make an effort, but I think it's well worth it!

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    2. Social media helps a lot to maintain old friendships. One of my Facebook friends today was my very first best friend when we were both pre-kindergartners. If I had hit her town at the right time of day, during my Dallas to Asheville trek, I would have stopped to say hello to her, too!

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  3. Absolutely. Several friends from college days are like that, and two from high school. One college friend came to visit from Seattle a few months ago after twenty years of not seeing each other. It was instant re-connection. What a blessing!

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  4. Me too, I love what my good friend Judy's father said years ago--old friends are the best friends. One of my dear friends from grad school who I hadn't seen in 15 years came to visit this summer. Delightful! And I feel sure my Jungle Red buddies will become old friends too:)

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  5. In this day of competitive friendship ("how many friends do you have on facebook?"), I used to remind the boys when they were younger that friendship is based on more than a 'like'. My friends are mostly scattered across the country--but when we meet, the years in-between don't matter. Distance and time can't sever those connections.

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  6. My dear friend Jody moved in around the corner from me when I was in elementary school, and we shared a piano teacher. Now she lives in San Diego and I get to see her at least once a year. She's really gifted at making fast friends; I do't find it that easy. I wonder if it's easier to make those kinds of friendships, long and fast ones, when you're younger. Seems like as you get older you don't have the time to get to really get to know new people.

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    1. I think you've hit on it Hallie. It isn't just not having the time, because when I think of it, I have so very much time. It is more about the lack of obvious commonalities. When I was young and had young children, I made friends so easily. We had something to talk about right off the bat, babies and diapers and soon kindergartens. We didn't have a sou but we were rich in children and houses that needed cleaning and flowers to smell.

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    2. True. And grandchildren. And food. Always food. And Brit TV!

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  7. You can't make old friends, as the song goes. I'm at a time in my life when so many of those old friends have died, and I miss each of them a whole bunch.

    A few years ago I went to a high school reunion, and I must say my school friends and I fell into a conversation about where we'd left off the last time we were together. Lots of reminiscing in addition to updating our current situations.

    Four years ago about now I was planning a week with my oldest and dearest friend of 50 years. She was very crippled with arthritis, and I had seen her for my yearly visit in the spring, deciding right then I would come back in October.

    I had just talked to her on the phone, giving her my opinion on vitamin and mineral supplement, and was mentally packing. I got a call from her son one Sunday morning, saying she had had a massive stroke and wasn't expected to survive. I knew how she would have hated to spend her final years in a nursing home with someone washing her butt. It didn't make it any better when I got that second call of the day saying she had died. I miss Pauline every single day.

    I don't make friends so easily now, although I have lots of acquaintances. As Pauline once mentioned, you aren't really friends until you've been through a few crises. And compared toes.

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    1. thanks for sharing that. It's so true that going through a few rough spots cements a friendship like nothing else.

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  8. I have a few friends like that. One from high school, a few from college. One of my college friends unexpectedly drove to Pittsburgh (a drive of a few hours) for my launch. Another would have if she didn't have to be at work by 4pm. Those kinds of friends are priceless.

    Mary/Liz

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  9. I recently connected through Face Book with an old high school friend. We enjoy a scheduled phone conversation once a month. Our millennial kids are making their way through life, we eat, travel and read books. We picked up right where we left off.

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  10. I too have friends like that, one from high school, one from college, and several from later parts of my life. We can walk in and out of each other's lives at time distant intervals and it's like we never parted. Priceless.

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  11. It seems that the precarious nature of the world right now has made close friendships even more important. Also, as we age we lose friends at an alarming rate. I've been gathering up those who were once dear to me, and reconnecting with them these last few years. Facebook makes such a difference.

    My first grade best friend, my fourth to eighth grade best friend, and my high school best friend are all on Facebook, and we have all gotten together because of it. A woman I spent a great deal of time with before we were both married is again in my life, after thirty-five years of living in the same community, but not getting together, thanks to kids, husbands, jobs, etc.

    The high school friend lost her husband this spring, and we finally spent time together a month or so ago. We met at 4:00 for an early dinner, and stayed in the booth until 8:00, never at a loss for conversation. Today is her birthday, so I'll give her a call later, too. We took up where we left off, even to the point of using our old nicknames for one another. The poor waitress! We left her an extra-big tip.

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  12. My group of college friends meets every 2 years at a nice hotel/ spa somewhere in England. The moment we walk through the door it's nonstop talking, laughter as if we're all eighteen again. One comes from France, one from Canada, the others from all over Britain. It's wonderful. I'm already looking forward to next summer. But I also feel the same way about Malice Domestic

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    1. that's wonderful about your college friends and Malice Domestic!

      Diana

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    2. I feel that way about Malice too, Rhys!

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  13. Yes! I have a friend from pre-kindergarten. We are like that. We had not seen each other for many years then we found each other through a mutual friend and we kept in touch. It's always wonderful to see her. She and I both are very busy, yet we find the time to connect and chat. And, like Rhys, I look forward to seeing college friends. I have several friends, from our days working in DC, and we reconnected when we found out we all were living in Berkeley! I loved what Rhys said about Malice Domestic! We are fortunate to have good friends.

    Diana

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  14. I have a handful of friends where we can instantly pick up from where we left off, even if it has been years since we saw each other. Oddly enough, we do not keep in touch with Facebook. It is occasional letters or emails. Rare phone calls. I don't know why but that seems to work for us. I think we are in each other's hearts so deep we can just connect immediately.

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  15. Oh, that is so lovely! And you are very lucky--I don;t really have anyone from the past like that. And I've often wondered why--I think it's because I worked really hard to get away from that time of my life, you know,? And am much happier now. That's why the Reds are so important to me--wherever we're together, it's instantly wonderful. Everyone is so busy, right? So we have to work extra hard to make sure our friends know we care and treasure them..

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    1. Hank, I love that the blog keeps us in constant touch and a part of each other's daily lives, no matter how busy we are.

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  16. Yesterday I went to my high school class reunion, a picnic in the park, our 54th reunion but last year was the first time I had ever attended one. It was so much fun and we all had a good time, talking, laughing, remembering. I think part of it is because our class was fairly small - 64 students - and a good share of us are either still here locally, or like me, back here. Don't know why it took me so long to catch up!

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  17. I don't. I am friendly with people but generally with ones I see on a semi-regular basis. I don't do long lost friends etc. Plus, with Facebook, there's really no reason to be out of touch with anyone that you actually want to keep up with.

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  18. I left CT when I was 25, but the top shelf friends I made there remain very close even though we only see each other every few years. The one thing I've noticed is that it takes two to make a friendship last: “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” –Robert Brault

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  19. OLD FRIENDS
    Julia ‘Spencer-Fleming’ - girl! Touch base w me! IG @lauragreenimp, link to pathetic webpage in bio, email addy on wp.
    Please don’t force me to make pajama party pics public lol!
    I miss you 🔥

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  20. There was about a decade when I lost touch with my best friend since third grade. We both had small children and were in completely different parts of the country. She moved, and after a few years my Christmas cards came back "no longer at this address." (This was, you realize, before social media!) It was during this period that I started writing, so imagine her surprise when she saw my first novel on the display shelf in her local library. She emailed me through my web page. We've never been out of touch for more than a couple of weeks since, and try to get together in person at least a couple of times a year.

    And writing has brought me so many friends. Even if I don't see them in person as often as I'd like, when we do get together we always pick up write where we left off. Looking forward to Bouchercon this year!

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    1. Love that you said “write” where we left off. Slips count

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  21. In 2012, our high school class had its 40th reunion, and I reconnected with some old friends who are once again a part of my life, and it's just so wonderful. That reunion seemed to instantly turn back the clock, and all of us attending were genuinely thrilled to be with one another again. The 45th reunion last year was the same, and there were a couple of people there who weren't at the 40th. We didn't miss a beat on being back together and picking up where we'd left off. Since the 40th reunion, I have a group of women, whom I call my girls, who get to together every time I visit my hometown, and they do things together even more, as they still live there. Another re-connection I made at the 40th reunion was my since kindergarten (my mother was the teacher) friend, Susan. We had kept in touch through yearly Christmas cards, but starting with that reunion, we started traveling some together. That September we attended the National Book Festival in D.C., her in support of my book passion, and the next year, I finally attended my first Bouchercon with her at my side in Albany, NY, after which we took a trip to Niagara Falls, first making a bit of a detour to the Adirondacks, because I had to see where Julia's Clare and Russ called home. Susan went with me to the Raleigh Bouchercon and will be with me in St. Pete this year, too. We also took a trip to Key West, where I pointed out some highlights of Lucy's books and my previous visits, and where we met our other "girls" from our hometown who were on a cruise that stopped there. Another friend from that group has met me in Lexington, KY where we go out to eat with yet another old high school friend and his significant other. And, one of the guy friends from our group sent me a mug with the great panel design by Michael Mueller on it when he read about me being on my first panel at Bouchercon. We all just love each other. It's been a wonderful gift in my getting older years.

    And, I stay in touch with my first real boyfriend, who went on to become a successful journalist. He calls me every birthday and recently called to check up on me when he learned I'd been diagnosed with a blood clot. He is one of the best people I have ever known, since I was 15, and I treasure him. We don't get to see each other in person much, but when we do, the years truly do drop away, and we have no trouble picking up the conversation.

    And, the good that FB serves is to make it easier for old friends to keep in touch on a more regular basis.

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    1. How lovely that you reconnected with your high school friends, Kathy! My mom is close with 12 other women with whom she was on the same floor of her dorm freshman year of college. They travel together as a group every year.

      And I agree about FB; it turns out it's good for something!

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    2. A girls' trip is the best! I have a couple of friends from college that I still connect with, but I think the reason that I love having the group from high school and before that is we grew up together in the same small town, knowing each other's families and histories. It is probably a small town sort of thing.

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  22. At a class reunion in 2010 I saw old friends I hadn't seen in about 30 years. Most of my old "gang" was there, and I took up conversations with them like I had just seen them last week. Three especially close friends - we were in school from K-12), and I really enjoyed just talking to them about their families, jobs, taking care of parents, etc. It was not stiff or stilted at all, we just love each other so much we still feel that connection from all those years ago.

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  23. I didn't go to my class reunions for years because I was literally voted the Shiest Girl and my mother had bad experiences with hers. A classmate from our church talked me into to going to the last two, and I had a great time. Maybe the earlier ones would have had cliques but at our age, everyone was talking to everyone.

    I was in touch with my friend from 3 years old even though she moved to Colorado through cards and letters until she died in a car accident. I still miss Debbie.

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  24. My childhood best friend is like that with me. There have been times when our lives have been so busy we would go years without face-to-face contact, but when we do meet up, it's not only about reminiscing, but full of interest in each other's lives and hopes and dreams.

    My first marriage ended in 1985, but we had shared a house with another couple for a year earlier in the marriage, and that couple remains among my dearest friends today. (Though I haven't communicated with my ex in decades.) The wife of the couple stood up in my second (and keeper) marriage, and Bob and I count them among our close friends, even though they live in another part of Ohio and we only see them in person once a year or less.

    Facebook has been a great bonus for reconnecting. I am in communication with many high school friends now that I had not previously talked to since graduation.

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