The Pet Family Circus

Looks innocent, doesn't she?

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: When Ross and I were starting out married life, one thing we agreed on was having kids. We had both experienced being folded into large, seven-member families, and we talked about shooting for four or five kids ourselves.

Dear readers, I'm here to tell you it was a mercy that never happened, because I'm living in a house with four dogs and two cats - no opposable thumbs to open doors, no diapers, no meal prep other than scooping out of a bag - and I am utterly overwhelmed. 

In part, it's because these animals have the kind of seemingly random personality types you used to see in those 1970s disaster movies. You know: there's the nun, and the conman, and the rich guy, and the concerned mother, etc.

 

The look of ennui. Or Prozac.

Janey, is, I guess, that grande dame - she'd be played by Gloria Swanson, who was actually in Airport '75, in case you were wondering. Once a high-spirited (aka prone to run away) bundle of nerves, age and a daily dose of Prozac has mellowed her out considerably. Like a lot of us older ladies, she's put on some weight: my daughter-in-law calls her Miss Chub-Chub.

 

Kingsley you've read about before, he's the senior of my 'boys.' He would definitely be Ernest Borgnine; the tough older guy who's used to being respected and listened to. He's still quite fit and active; he can race around the dog park (well, at least for one lap) and has no problem with getting all up into the face of upstart youngsters.

 

Their natural habitat: coats, bed and heater.

Which brings us to two-year-old Karma. Yes, she was named after the Taylor Swift song. Karma is a b----, get it? Karma has the sweet nature of a child who wants to be everyone's friend, inside fifty pounds of solid muscle. She would be portrayed by Andre the Giant, or perhaps Gwendoline Christie, if she could act like she has brain damage. 

 

My daughter-in-law has done her best, but Karma is, shall we say, underperforming on the 'obedience' tests. I have to block-check her with my body in order to bring in poor Rocky, who weighs twelve pounds and whom Karma really really wants to play with.

 

Rocky will be represented by Roddy McDowell. I don't think I need to say more than that.

 

Then there are the cats, both of whom are also intensely interesting to Karma. Neko (Elizabeth Taylor) hides away upstairs and hisses dramatically whenever any of the dogs comes close. Which they do, because Karma and Janey, perhaps feeling unsure sleeping over at Granny's house, follow me EVERYWHERE. Making my bed: they're there. Trying to feed the cats: Yep, there. Sitting on the toilet: oh, you know they're there. I'm trapped and can't get away. 

 

 

Walker, a/k/a the $15,000 kitty (Fred Astaire, natch) is a little bolder, daring to come downstairs and try to resume his usual spot overseeing my work at the laptop. However, I'm periodically interrupted as Karma notices him and chases him all over the place, insisting (in language perfectly understandable to another highly active 50 pound dog) Let's be friends! Let's play! Walker fled beneath the tablecloth and I accidentally stepped on his tail while making lunch. Sorry, old boy.

I'd tell you more, but it's time to round all the canines up and drive a half hour to a dog park so Karma an run around like mad for an hour, which will hopefully lower her energy level enough for all of us to make it through the rest of the day.

Dear readers, have you had adventures in pet sitting?