JENN McKINLAY: Good-byes. I’m terrible at them. I’m not sure why but I think it has something to do with my XX chromosomes because I know I am not alone in this lingering at the train station until the last possible second and then having to run and execute an undignified skirt in the air leap to catch the train because talking about the incoming weather is so much more important than, you know, actually getting my butt on the train.
I was at a conference years ago where I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning with my writer buddies talking like we were solving all of the world’s problems - we were not - when we finally called it a night, or rather a day, since the sun was coming up.
Do you think we managed to mumble ‘good night’ and part? Oh, no, we stood there sagging on our feet, trying to figure out when we’d meet up the next day at the conference just to say good-bye, because it was the last day and we were all headed home. This went on for fifteen minutes when I finally looked at my gal pals and said, “If we were dudes, we’d just knuckle bump and say ‘see ya’ and it’d be cool.”
This inability to end things extends to my relationships as well. I am the queen of the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk. I’m so good at it, in fact, I think there are a few people out there who aren’t even aware that we’ve broken up. Again, I blame the XX. Hub, like all manimals, has the XY and I suspect the Y stands for “Why are we still here talking when we could be gone already?” or “Why is this person calling me? We were done ages ago. Was I not clear?” I tried to explain that my ineptitude in adios is really a disability. He didn’t get it. Ghosting from social events was created for this man.
I have struggled with endings my entire life -relationships, jobs, even some friendships. But now that I've reached a certain age, I have discovered that there’s an upside to saying good-bye swiftly. Once you get over it, you get to say hello to something new! Say it with me now: “Hello, exciting new adventure!”
Now I could be a scaredy-cat and worry that I won’t like the next job, friendship, or career move as much as the one I'm leaving. And I could refuse to try something new and keep my life exactly the same. But life is just too short not to do what you love with whom you love in a place that you love. So here’s my unsolicited advice, because I’m so good at giving it but not taking it - unless by force - figure out what you need to do to say good-bye to the old and GO FOR THE NEW!
So, how about you, Reds and Readers, are you good at good-byes and making changes or not so much?
I can manage good-byes, but I’m not always so good with change . . . I'm much better at keeping the status quo . . . .
ReplyDeleteI feel that, Joan.
DeleteI am bad with change. I like a being in a rut and the deeper the better. Goodbyes are difficult if I know I won’t see the other person for a long time and maybe never again. And, if you think about it, one never knows if it will be the last time you see someone.
ReplyDeleteSo true and the older you get the worse that feeling becomes.
DeleteI grew up really close to my dad's family, the Goldbergs. Irwin realized pretty quickly that goodbyes were drawn out affairs and he'd say to me, "Start saying goodbye, we"re leaving in a half hour."
ReplyDeleteMy cousin Jeremy asks, "What's the difference between the British and the Yiddish? The British leave without saying 'goodbye,' the Yiddish say 'goodbye ' without leaving. "
As for starting something new, I don't think that is an XX vs XY issue. Sometimes it's your own comfortable chair, and sometimes it's a seat on a plane. In my life there have been times for both.
Judy: "What's the difference between the British and the Yiddish? The British leave without saying 'goodbye,' the Yiddish say 'goodbye ' without leaving." made me laugh out loud, thank you.
DeleteLOL.
DeleteJenn, I was SO afraid the last line of this post was that you were quitting the Reds! I can't tell you how relieved I am that this was not your new snappy farewell.
ReplyDeleteI am fairly good at saying goodbyes, although we have a tradition in our family (started by my sister) that when someone I love leaves my house, I stand in the driveway waving both hands over my head as they drive away and they wave back until we can't see each other any more.
Regarding change? I have initiated several large changes in my life without much doubt or questioning: my divorce, leaving my last day job, ending my most popular series after book #13. Otherwise I'm like Brenda - I'm happy in my deep rut.
LOL.
DeleteI think the last few months have been a test of how comfortable I am being a citizen of the world. I have stayed 11 places since I was last at my home in Long Beach. And I feel really good about it.
ReplyDeleteIt has also meant a lot of goodbyes to the folks I’ve seen on these trips, but the good news is that meant there were a lot of hellos and reconnections. I had lunch with a college friend who I hadn’t seen in 30+ years.
After moving to SoCal, saying goodbye to my parents at the airport meant tears. Then after a few years, it was very normal and fine. Then as they got older, it was tears again because I didn’t know if it would be the last visit.
I'm in that cycle. Completely understand.
DeleteI'm starting to get out of my comfort zone at a slow pace. As for goodbyes, it's takes something drastic to make that goodbye final.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Dru!
DeleteI hate changes in my life so adapting to them isn't always easy.
ReplyDeleteBut saying goodbye...totally easy. After all, I'm a guy. Seeya, I'm done, bye. When I'm done, I'm done and I want to leave. I don't want to hang around somewhere or with someone unless there's a really good reason.
I mean, I'll hang out at an author signing. But talking to someone at the grocery store? NOT HAPPENING. I'll say hi and move on with my day for the most part. But that's my decision, not theirs.
Or some chatty person who rambles on and on. While I don't generally come out and say, "Would you SHUT THE F UP so I can leave and not want to slit my wrists listening to your banalities and digressions!" believe me, I am definitely thinking it. And while I'm sure I've been the one to cause others to think that at times, I'm definitely the ships passing in the night "hi and bye" guy for the most part.
I used to work with a guy who was a chatterer and I became a shark - stayed in motion whenever he was near and he couldn't catch me. LOL.
DeleteDru Ann gave me the words: “something drastic to make good bye final”. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
DeleteI do believe the older I get, the easier it is for me to change. I think maturity has given me some insights and wisdom I didn't have in my younger years. I look back on those earlier upheavals and cringe at my reactions, all the while knowing it was my immaturity and naiveté that formed and informed that version of me.
ReplyDeleteIn my early 50s, I was transferred to a new job in a city where I knew no one. I thrived. I invented a new version of me and I've been improving on it ever since. I've learned that, for me, it is important to cut some ties, suspend others and some have simply run their course. My mantra for life is that "wherever you are is where you're supposed to be or you'd be somewhere else." Simple, but true for me. I finally learn what it was I was in that cycle to learn and then it is easy and oft times I am eager to move on to see what lies ahead. -- Victoria
Oh, that's brilliant. I'm going to incorporate that mantra!
DeleteRegardless of how long they last or how fast they happen, saying goodbye is never simple. This subject effectively conveys the feelings associated with leaving and remembering. Farewells frequently capture the experiences, relationships, and events that stick with us long after we depart, much like CV Writers who assist in creating memorable trips.
ReplyDeleteTrue. Goodbyes can be complicated.
DeleteWhen we visited our son in Japan last year, the final good-bye was VERY hard and it took everything in me to keep from blubbering, which I knew would have upset him. But more broadly, I have to admit that I have always been easily able to do a quick round of good-byes when leaving a party or family gathering and have never quite understood why for some it takes half an hour or more. But this is just one of several behavioral areas where I didn't fit the XX stereotypes when I was young.
ReplyDeleteI have been through a lot of changes in my life and I think I have become pretty good at handling them, though of course changes we choose are always easier to handle than changes that are thrust upon us.
Susan, saying goodbye to Youngest at the airport is still easy (albeit with lots of tight hugs) but that's because she still has one foot in the US and one in The Netherlands. I wonder what it will feel like when she's a Netherlander for all practical purposes, and Maine is the place she came from, not her home.
DeleteOh, yeah, ownership of the change matters so much.
DeleteI don't have trouble saying goodbye to family and friends as I know I'll see them again. The problem I have is saying goodbye and ending telephone conversations - I don't know why but I tend to prolong the calls sometimes knowing I'll see the person soon.
ReplyDeleteLOL. My brother and I could never get off the phone with each other - always one more joke to tell. :)
DeleteI am like a chicken – fluff up your feathers, shake the dust out and move on. Enough already…
ReplyDeleteI am married he-of-the-long-goodbye (and empty promises). He can sit and ignore everyone for a week, forget to come to supper even when called, and THEN when it is time for either party to leave - talk, talk, talk, or walk the dog (usually the guests’ and he had to get it out of the vehicle), visit the garden, sweep the floor and then start saying The Long Goodbye. Meanwhile the train/plane/car/sun – whatever - left.
Arghhhhhh!
LOL.
DeleteIr's easy for me to leave social events==I'm usually eager to get home and hit the hay. I would never be the one standing on the platform til the last second. I would be in the train early, because the possibility of missing it would be excruciating. I don't like change, and have clung to relationships and jobs when I probably should have made changes. For all my clinging, life is pretty good right now and I do have room to welcome new people and experiences.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've achieved balance. Well done.
DeleteLike Edith, I saw the title of this post and thought, "Oh, no - Jenn is leaving the Reds!" Whew!
ReplyDeleteI can go either way with goodbyes. Sometimes I'm pretty quick. Other times, not so much. My sister and I will say "good-bye" on a phone call at least five times before actually hanging up. I have been known to lag coming out of an event because I "have to talk" to just one more person. Other times? No problem cutting it short. Especially when it's bedtime!
By the way, this is not an XX thing. My father is the master at turning a five minute phone conversation into an hour. "Well, I'll let you go. Just one more thing..." LOL
My dad was like that, too, come to think of it.
DeleteRegarding good byes, in Italy, they say Ciao and wave "goodbye" backwards. Regarding Liz's comment about turning a five minute phone conversation into an hour, I have a funny story. In the ASL Deaf world, the long goodbye is a cultural thing. A new hearing parent of a deaf child remarked on this.
ReplyDeleteFascinating.
DeleteFlora
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when you try to tell a cat 'good-bye for now'--they leave when THEY are ready and not a minute before, as I type this with one hand because a chonky gray cat is sitting on my other hand. Good-byes have always been hard for me because they seem to sneak up on me. I don't draw them out, though, because that would make them harder. My oldest brother's wife, on the other hand, will see Irwin's half-hour and raise it to 2-3 hours, given the chance.
DeleteHow funny about your cat Flora. Your don't dare move your hand either!
DeleteBecause...cat. LOL.
DeleteI'm not good at goodbyes, I suppose, in that I tend to be on the curt side. "So lovely to see you!" and out the door. My best friend, however, will say she is leaving and then stand at the door chatting for 45 minutes. (I suppose this 45 minutes makes up for the 45 minutes she was late!) I try not to let either bother me. I am a solitary and she never fails to check in and suggest tea. (Selden)
ReplyDeleteThirty years ago our boss was TRULY terrible about saying goodbye. He'd sneak out without saying anything! My husband or I would notice him slinking off at the edge of the party and say to each other, "There goes Frank!" (Selden)
DeleteAh! When to say goodbye or not at a party - that's a tough one. If it's a large party/event I tend to make a quick thank you to the host and leave. But if it's a small more intimate affair that's harder to sneak out or have quick goodbyes.
DeleteVery accepting of you, Selden.
DeleteGoodbyes? Ptah! Endings are never endings. Even if you never see another person again, you take that meeting with you and it becomes a part of your makeup, no matter how small -- and if you are lucky, it becomes a positive part. I can only hope I have the same effect on those who say goodbye to me.
ReplyDeleteSo true - thanks Jerry for that perspective. NPR does a segment where a person recalls a kindness a total stranger did for them that changed there life. It was a brief moment in their lives, in most cases they never saw the person again - but the memory of their kindness stuck with the person.
DeleteThat's lovely, Jerry.
DeleteWonderful way to look at it, Jerry.
DeleteI grew up in a military family. We moved quite a bit up until my dad retired when I was about 11-12. I loved moving to new places, new experiences. To me being in the same place, same people made me wonder what was I missing out on?
ReplyDeleteGreat persepctive!
DeleteThis is so perfect, yes, I can say goodbye for hours!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
DeleteAnd saying goodbye at a party is absolutely impossible! You’re required to say goodbye to the host, which inevitably gets you in conversation with the other person who is standing with the host, and then it’s never ending. I wish there was a way to just thank the host the minute you arrive, and then, when it’s time to go, just leave without saying anything. I mean after all, who cares if you’re leaving?
ReplyDeleteHub and I are ghosters and we've rarely been called on it :-)
DeleteOh, that is SO interesting! It seems like it would make it so much easier for everyone..
DeleteHank, it always astonishes me when guests leave without saying goodbye! What?
ReplyDeleteI'm all over the place. I do seek out mein host to say thank you and goodbye, and consequently, we are nearly always the last to leave. Even though Steve will start nudging me about going home, then HE starts six conversations, still nudging me. As if it were my fault we were still there.
We see our two younger daughters so seldom that when we take our leave of one another it's all I can do to hold it together until we are out of sight. We get to see them both next month, the first time since October for the youngest, and since Thanksgiving for the older one. It's a lot easier to say goodbye to my Michigan daughter, since we see them at least once a month, usually.
And every time I am with my best friend I am grateful she still knows who I am, but it's rough knowing that someday soon that will no longer be true, so parting is always a bit bittersweet.
Hugs about your friend, Karen. I can't imagine life without my bestie of 49 years, but I know it will come one day.
DeleteThank you, Edith. We have also been friends for 49 years. My sister of the heart.
DeleteKaren, so sorry about your friend. That's so hard.
DeleteHugs, Karen, that is so tough.
DeleteOh, KAren, that is so difficult. Ah. (As as for leaving without saying goodbye--I thnk the key is to thank the hosts mid-party, "In case we don't get to say goodbye"...)
DeleteI don't have a problem with "goodbye." Here's my most famous. I went to a party hosted by a guy I'd been dating casually. I knew no one there, and managed a few conversations. But when I thought it was time to leave, I snuck out. My host was busy and I knew I'd see him soon. A half hour later there was knock on the door. It was the host of the party. "You didn't say goodbye." He kissed me and left. Turned out he'd a taken a cab to my place for that one thing, got back in the cab and went back to the party. Now THAT is goodbye.
ReplyDelete*swoon* I love it.
DeleteAt Rick's family gatherings he will nudge me thirty minutes before we've planned to leave and say, "Start saying goodbye." And then once I've made the rounds, he'll start talking to his brothers again and we're there another half hour!
ReplyDeleteI've been through several stages in my life where I've made a lot of big, drastic changes, but now I'm quite content in my rut, thank you very much.
Loving your rut is a fabulous place to be.
DeleteI'm like Debs, in that literal goodbyes take me at least half an hour, if not longer. Ross used to send one of the kids back to the parish hall to drag me away when the rest of the family was already in the car, waiting to go get donuts.
ReplyDeleteRelationship goodbyes? I was a military brat, so I grew up saying 'goodbye,' knowing I would be making new friends at our next post. The flip side of that is I'm always happy to pick up a relationship right where we left off, no matter how much time passed.
I can so see Ross and the kids in the car, Julia...LOL.
DeleteThen there are the people who just leave your life and you don’t know why. All of a sudden you don’t hear from them again and you don’t want to ask why because for whatever the reason they don’t want to maintain the relationship and they just disappear from your life. Did you do something unintentionally that created the rift? Should you pursue the reason or just let it go.
ReplyDeleteI always find that very weird.
DeleteJust thinking, having made 5 or 6 long distance moves as a grownup (and none while growing up), moving on and saying good bye in not a problem (admitting that all those moves were self-motivated). And mostly I’m still in contact with a few friends from each place. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteThat sounds very healthy.
DeleteLike Julia, I moved a lot, so all my life I've said goodbye often and felt comfortable with it, whether it's when I move to another city or job, or when I leave a dinner or a party. (BTW, I always say goodbye to my host or hostess and at least some of the people I've talked to, although usually with just a quick handshake or hug and a thank you.) What I've found after all these years (and thanks to email, WhatsApp, video chats, and all the rest) is that I'm still in touch with many, many people from my past, so most relationships that matter haven't ended with goodbye at all. I'm very grateful for that!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've perfected it, Kim.
DeleteWe folks in the South are famous for our long goodbyes. It may take 30 minutes to make it to the car, where we will stand around saying our goodbyes another ten or fifteen minutes. There has to be some natural alternative to that and French leave.
ReplyDeleteIt really does depend on the people, I think.
DeleteMy husband grew up in western Kentucky and I grew up in northeastern Kentucky, but we were far more Southern than his area was. One of his biggest shocks about meeting my family was the never-ending goodbyes. The hugs, the kisses, the holding hands, the "I love yous," and the last minute sending of some food item were as foreign to him as having lunch on the moon. There were at least three attempts to break away from family members before I actually made it to the car where he was waiting in disbelief. In his family, until I had a little bit of influence, there were no hugs or kisses of I love you. Sometimes there wasn't even a goodbye. Well, my children grew up with my version of goodbye, although I do think some of us are more genetically wired to the "big" goodbye. My daughter has turned out to be a minimalist in her farewells, but then, she is a minimalist in most areas, like things need a practical purpose to be kept. What? I have saved several items I gave her from the family garage sales we used to have. Now, my son. He was the hugger of my life, my goodbye twin. Our last goodbye was the usual lingering one. I walked him to his car where we hugged and kissed goodbye in our unhurried fashion. I had already given him baked spaghetti casserole to take back and some other food items. After he got in his car, we waved at each other, and I stood on our sidewalk as he drove out of the drive, onto the street, around the corner, and finally out of sight. We both waved at each other until his car disappeared. I didn't know this was our last goodbye. As Brenda said above, we never know if a goodbye will be the last one. You have no guarantee you will see that person again. I just think we should all take care with our goodbyes. I'm not trying to convert you to the long goodbyes, but if the person or persons are special to you, I think conveying your feelings in a goodbye leaves no room for regrets.
ReplyDeleteChanges. I can't say I'm a fan of them, especially those forced upon you. Now, I have come to appreciate some of the changes that I choose to make. There are changes in some relationships in my life which I have given myself permission to reevaluate. I have many wonderful, supportive people in my life, but there are others who I now apply Maya Angelou's words to, "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
I am lousy at goodbyes, but stellar with change. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteI hate losing old friends even when things go somewhat south. Long relationships have inevitable periods of stress and longtime (but soured) friendships can have redeeming features.
ReplyDeleteShort term... I so appreciate a dinner guest who knows when to leave... Jerry and I used to have a routine for hinting that the evening was coming to a close. And when we were out at friends' homes, we'd cue each other that it was time to say our goodbyes and usually the host was grateful.