Maxxing Out

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Okay, let's leave the weather behind for a bit, shall we? Instead, let's goggle at the trends the youths are pursuing these days, specifically "maxxing."

 

If you're as terminally online as I am (I've GOT to use Freedom to block Reddit!) you've probably seen one of the most popular forms - looksmaxxing. This is popular among a subgroup of young men who don't believe what girls really want is someone thoughtful, reliable, and maybe has a sense of humor. Instead, these youts (shout out to My Cousin Vinny) do weird things to their faces and bodies with the goal of maximizing their attractiveness. One is famous for hitting himself in the jaw with a hammer, which, if I had know was effective, I could have used for Youngest's irregularly shaped lower mandible, and saved $8k on a surgical bill.

 

A newly popular concept is frictionmaxxing; adding in, you guessed it, friction to ordinary computer or machine assisted tasks so we don't all collectively lose our ability to think and move. If I had known about the term back in the old days, I would have used it to describe the sensation of wearing pantyhose in the summer.

 

But wait, there's more! Nonnamaxxing: acting like an Italian granny and making real food and taking time to enjoy it. I swear I'm not making this up, dear readers. Also, nothingmaxxing, which means Gen Z has discovered "daydreaming" and "staring into space vacantly."

 

On the flip side, you can also lifemaxx, making every aspect of your daily life all about productivity, improvement, and gainz. 

 

I've decided I should add some maxxing to my life. This are the fab new trends I propose, all of which I expect to see appear in trendy online magazines shortly.

 

Dopaminemaxxing - eating a whole bag of Reeses Easter peanut butter eggs (that you got for 50% off)

 

Sleepmaxxing - What's better than 8 hours? How about 10, with an extra half hour to snuggle under the duvet and nothingmaxx?

 

Fuelmaxxing - yeah, I'm driving 35 mph because that's the speed limit, buddy, and I don't care how close to my rear bumper you get with your Dodge Ram pickup. Don't you think about hitting me, because I'm also insurancemaxxing.

 

Gummaxxing - going to see if I an market this to my dentist as an alternative to the word 'flossing.'  I swear, this rebrand will probably turn a whole generation into after-every-meal flossers.

 

Babymaxxing - this is what I do when I drive up (at the speed limit, to save gas) and see my grandson Paulie. First I kiss his rosy cheeks (mwah!) then I play tummy tuba with his fat belly, and finally I eat his toes all up nom nom nom. Honestly, this is much more fun than any other maxxing. 

 

Shihtzumaxxiing - pretty much the same as babymaxxing, but with belly rubs instead of tummy tuba. 

 

Maxmaxxing - spending more time with my nephew Max.

 

Now it's your turn, dear readers. What do you think needs to be maxxed out in your life?