JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Forty years ago this month, my sister sent me the following birthday card:
I found it when sorting and consolidating a couple boxes of old letters and cards that went across the Atlantic and from state to state between me, my sister, and my mother. I was feeling a bit melancholic, realizing that my daughters and I won't ever have this kind of physical record of our thoughts and conversations (who knows what will eventually become of our massive chat logs?)
Then I hit this card, and my mind did that record scratch thing.
This was a perfectly normal funny card to send in 1986. My friends and I, who all had masters degrees or were going to law school, lamented that we were never going to find husbands. Why? In part, because that same month and year, Newsweek Magazine came out with a cover story that put fear in the hearts of every single straight woman (or in the hearts of their parents, who wanted them safely and legally coupled.)
Yep, by turning 25, my college-educated self had reduced my chances of getting hitched to just 50%!
Of course, years later when sociologists revisited the study the Newsweek report was based on, they found it had ALL sorts of problems, and in fact, a woman was not more likely to die in a terrorist attack than find a man at 40.
But it says a lot about the American culture at the time that we all believed it. Somehow, despite our accomplishments and the jobs we were doing and the great social life of Washington, DC, my girlfriends and I had absorbed a message that our lives would only really start when we 1. got married 2. bought a house and 3. had a baby. Maybe it was just my group from college and grad school, but I didn't know any heterosexual young women who didn't want to hit these goals.
And that, thank heavens, has changed.
My oldest daughter wanted that triple achievement, but she didn't consider herself a failure before she tied the knot. She went out and bought her own house. I don't think any of her peers from Smith were wed before 30 (in contrast, my girlfriend who went to Smith got married at 30 and she was the absolute last one of our circle to do so - we were all biting our nails for her!)
My youngest wants marriage and kids, but at 25, she doesn't think she's anywhere old enough yet, and besides, she has to establish her career first.
The sense that having a ring on your finger was somehow the portal that let you into your actual life, and everything you did before buying a big poofy Princess Diana dress and dancing to 'Endless Love" at your reception was just a prelude? That's gone. (Although I'm waiting for those dresses to come back into style...)
Today, women at 25 still want to fall in love, find a wonderful, life-long partner, and go through the adventure of building a life with someone. But they know it's a part of their lives, not the whole bag of sugared almonds.
So we won't have boxes of letters and card, probably, but I'll take all those written-down memories in exchange for the sense your life belongs to you, before, during, and after marriage.
How about you, dear readers? Do you recall the expectations about pairing up when you were young? And what else to you think has changed for the better in our world today?
PS: I guess I let my history geek side too far out on Monday, when I decided to refer to The Very Tall Dutchman as VOC. (I have to get some use out of that masters degree.)
VOC, or Vereenigde Oostindische Compagnie, is the commonly used abbreviation for the famous Dutch East Indian Company, the mercantile powerhouse that arose in the late 16th century and turned the small nation of the Netherlands into an economic giant on the world stage. Their ships were well known for venturing into exotic and uncharted waters and returning with treasures. Like, I imagine, my youngest daughter!
It was tough for women when I was younger . . . . Often, the expectation seemed to be that having a job [not necessarily a career] was sort of a "placeholder" until a woman was married and settled in at home . . . so glad that this expectation no longer exists . . . .
ReplyDeleteI kind of missed out on all of that - met my husband when I was 15, married when I finished college, then moved away so I didn’t see my friends going through that stress. While I did all of that, I didn’t feel pressure - it just happened. As a young engineer, I fought against the gendered expectations that I saw. The first I really thought about how the horrors of single life were portrayed was when I was reading BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in college in the 1960's, everything was starting to change but had not changed yet. I see my generation of women, plowing through, breaking the barriers, with few of us actually succeeding in men's jobs and vocations, but planting the seeds, and watching the following generations grow and thrive and reap what we planted.
Just think of what Title IX did for women's sports! I went to UCONN before there was a women's basketball team. In fact, women at UCONN in my era competed in synchronized swimming and field hockey. That's it.
As far as husbands, I think that most people want to be loved, and find the ONE. I sure did. I had purchased a condo and a car and had a dog. I was in my 30's when I met Irwin and I wanted to be married, have a child, build a life with him. There wasn't a career I wanted more than that. Quite possibly, I would feel the same if I were young now. I was the "dinner on the table at 5:30" wife. It is who I am.
When I was at U.C. Berkeley, and struggling, I went to see a TA for tips about a particular course and how I should approach it. He actually told me, "Why do you want a degree? You're only going to get married and have children . . ." This was in 1965. It made me so angry that I was determined to pass that course, got a study buddy, a tutor, the works, and passed it. In a really backhanded, upside down way, he motivated me like crazy, although I wouldn't recommend that as a motivation technique. Really horrible man.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, that reminds me of the creative writing teacher I had who told me I should give up writing...
DeleteI graduated from college in 1974. In my cohort of college friends, we liberal arts types, both women and men, knew we didn't want the lives our parents had, but we weren't quite sure what would replace it. (The scientists went straight on to grad school.) We floundered for a bit, traveling, driving buses, tending bees, until each of us settled into a career. I always knew I wanted to have children, and I wanted a romantic partner, but that didn't come together until after I was thirty and had lived in Japan and then earned a doctorate.
ReplyDeleteSo glad your daughters don't feel locked into the expectations we had. And thanks for clearing up the VOC thing!
Loved seeing those cards Julia! I have boxes of old papers that I keep meaning to get to, when I'm not so busy!! I think our generation wanted everything and maybe even believed more was possible than really is. We see our daughter struggle with trying to juggle everything as well. It's still hard for younger women I think!
ReplyDeleteMy generation were all trying to be Supermom working full time and also caring for their homes and families. They were exhausted. And women who chose to stay home were scorned and their children were destined to be failures if they didn’t go to daycare and preschool.
ReplyDeleteAnd it was the birth of latchkey kids home alone after school until their parents returned from work.
DeleteMany school districts are now providing before school and after school programs (including breakfast and lunch) for families who need child care. And separate from care programs, many schools are offering after school sports, theater, clubs for kids.
DeleteYes, late 1960s expectations were different than now. Although not related to love and romance, a similar feeling arrived yesterday at my first dentist appointment with a new dentist, probably in her late 30s. As I told her how at age 8, after my first dental appointment (understand that now waiting this late to start a child at the dentist is “awful”), I went to dentist appointments by myself…small town, half a block from Dad’s business… and was just fine. We also spoke of that time when a title of Dr. meant you were a man. And, just another “antiquated” idea: if you taught elementary school, that meant you were a woman: a “Miss” if you were not yet “lucky” or definitely an “old maid”; a “Mrs.” if you were waiting for “your first” or passed the childbearing age. Ah, the changing expectations…Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteJulia, most/all of us missing your VOC reference is surely evidence that too much education is harmful to women. Groan, wink, wink. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteAs a guy, I guess I don't really have to worry about all the considerations and expectations that were and are placed upon women to find a mate and produce germ factories with legs.
ReplyDeleteAnd to that I say THANK GOODNESS!
I've known since around 14 that I didn't want kids and had no desire to get married. (Or rather, give someone to take half my stuff for the rest of my life).
Of course, whenever I said that to anyone they'd say, "Oh just wait til the right woman comes along and then you'll be doing all those things." As if I was somehow incapable of following through on my plans.
And while those plans likely mean that I'll die alone and undiscovered until people realize I haven't posted on Facebook in a while, it's not like I have to be worried about beating eaten by my pets before the body is found. Since I took the step of not having pets either.
I may be seen as cantankerous and grumpy but, in this case, for the sake of my goals of no kids, no wife, I see those as positive character traits. After all, they are occasionally good for bouts of witty humor too.
Jay,
DeleteEnjoyed your post. Refreshing! A different way of thinking with no apologies for it. Made me chuckle. (a germ factory with legs!) Liked your honesty.
Honest Jay, that’s me.
DeleteSounds like the perfect life Jay! And you don't need to die alone, they have these alerts that you wear around your neck and it notifies authorities to check on you. It's actually of more use if you are injured and can't get help and need to get to the local book store for a friend's book launch. P.S. I enjoy your posts - they make me chuckle too!
DeleteIn a million years I would never have guessed what. VOC meant! Ah, Cathy, although I almost always laughed at the comic strip and cards, they often made me cringe. And boxes of letters, cards, and phtos! I was 32 when I got married, 10 years out of college, nut using my not practical French literature degree but enjoying my job as sci-tech buyer at the BU bookstore. (Which eventually led to publishing) I had always assumed I’d get married someday, maybe, maybe have a child, and definitely have a job I liked, maybe a career. Mostly that worked out. I had no pressure from my Mom. She knew how difficult it all was. I”m currently reading “The Mystery of Mrs. Christie” by Marie Benedict and have been thinking about how difficult it had been for women who didn’t want the life that times and tradition dictated. And we’re still pushing for our rights!
ReplyDeleteOur parents never really pushed us to marry and have children. They tended to talk more about education and finding a meaningful career (although mom famously encouraged us to consider being plumbers--stable work that paid well!) I didn't feel a lot of pressure from them, although the expectation for girls to marry was certainly out there in the ether. I managed to buy a house and have a child without doing the marrying thing. There's a lot to be said for independence :)
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely a lot to be said for independence Gillian.
DeleteFirst, I'm enjoying the Monday/Thursday posting schedule. Second, what a great find that card is, Julia. Third, that stat about women, marriage and terrorist attacks is such a great point of reference in the brilliant film Sleepless in Seattle (thank you, Nora Ephron, aka, Hallie's sister). Fourth, I have a brother and a sister -- he is married with children; she is long-term coupled to a man and without children; I am married to a woman and we have no children. I never in one million years plus thought I would be the married sister!
ReplyDeleteWow, that IS a plot twist, Amanda!
DeleteSo glad to hear you are liking the new schedule, Amanda! I woke up excited this morning when I realized there was a blog!
DeleteI definitely struggled with those expectations as a young woman. I often think it is the main reason I entered into my ill-conceived first marriage at 20, which ended at 26. My older sister never married, and I remember my mom anguishing over her future and even saying to me, "I think she'd be better off if she had gotten married even if she ended up divorced!"
ReplyDeleteI have only a son so I mainly hear the male perspective about dating now, but I honestly believe it is really rough out there for all young people. Other than the workplace there are few places to just naturally meet someone anymore, as lives are so insular. And there are such big land mines of litmus test topics. It used to be that people didn't have to have a lockstep view of the world in order to fall in love and build a lfe together -- today there's little room for give and take. I saw a niece of whom I am fond end a multi-year serious relationship strictly over politics. I don't envy young people trying to find a life partner in today's world!
Susan ~ Our stories run parallel. I, too, married at the young age of 20 and did so for all the wrong reasons. It also ended six years later although I truthfully knew at my own wedding reception that I had made a mistake. I languished for six years because of my faith and the fear of being judged for wearing the "Big D" on my chest. At the age of 20 I gave up my dream of pursuing a degree in Journalism at Gaylord College University of Oklahoma) and being with the individual I was truly, madly in love with because of silly stigmas, lack of confidence in myself and immaturity. Fortunately, 8 years later I married again and to the man I was always meant to be with in the first place. I certainly lucked out by the fact that he decided to impulsively turn the wheel of his car and take an exit off the highway that brought him back into my life again. Alas, the timing was off to pursue that dream degree but thinking back now I only had myself to blame for that one in the long run. I think we were the product of our times; some of the thinking behind what was an ideal marriage along with what was expected of us as women to achieve on both a personal and professional level. While I am delighted that our generation helped punch through that glass ceiling for women to pursue whatever they wanted as a profession I also agree with you that perhaps the pendulum has swung so much the other way that women are actually starting to navigate through life without life partners. While they may have their own homes, achieve their goals in the professional world and are even choosing to have children as a single parent I wonder if flying solo may also bring a certain amount of loneliness into their personal being. My conversations with some young professional women have many times had a common theme ~ their disappointment in not finding a life partner to share that life. I always ask them the same question ~ "Why do you think that is?" And the answer usually revolves around ways to meet someone successfully - social media has squashed the human touch - as well as what they have come to expect from their partner. Perhaps in some cases too much. You mentioned your niece giving up a serious relationship over a difference in political thinking. Bipartisan thinking seems to be a thing of the past. Finding "perfection" in every aspect, both physically and emotionally, simply does not exist and there is no room for "give and take". Their definition of the perfect mate sometimes far exceeds reality. Plus they socialize in groups that starts in high school. No longer does one need a partner to go to the prom. While that certainly takes the pressure off the students to feel as if they can't attend a social function without a partner and I think that is a good thing it also sets the mood to continue to socialize in groups in general. While that may present itself as a safety factor which is a plus it certainly doesn't always make it easy to meet someone when you are never alone. On Sixty Minutes last week Lesley Stahl interviewed a group of women who are harvesting their eggs and holding off having children until they are in their late thirties or early forties in hopes of finding an ideal partner and/or achieving all their goals by that point. It was an excellent commentary; however, I can't even begin to think how many complications both emotionally and physically this new way of pursuing motherhood is going to mean in the future. It boggled my brain. When did life get so complicated? :/
DeleteA long time ago, I married after college graduation and moved to California to join my graduate school husband. As an English major who had worked in restaurant and college dorm kitchens for four years, I could offer fast typing and editing skills. During the endless round of job interviews, I was told "we love graduate student wives. They're smart, desperate for money (paultry wages), and I don't mind training their replacements in three or four years because they're such a deal."
ReplyDeleteI wrote real estate advertising copy and climbed the administrative ladder at the university medical center. And ended up in B-school.
I will start with ‘old business’. As I have said before, my niece (who is pregnant and having a giraffe with very long legs – she is 5’2”, he is tickling 7’) is married to a Too Tall Dutchman. I sent her a note to see what she though VOC meant and said she could come up with nothing except, the Dutch East India Company.
ReplyDelete“Other than that’s the old initials of the Dutch east India company (in Dutch), I have no idea!!! Never heard of a business nickname before.” I was about to post that, but it was the end of the day, so I thought I would mention it this morning. Too bad there was not a bet running because my very strange answer would have won. (She also told me the sex of the giraffe, which cut down the lottery winners of the spring bet from a possibility of 1 in 27 to 1 in 10. First bet is for Oct 14…
I remember being stunned when graduating from university in 1970, where the talk was of people who came to get their M.R.S, and how many people did – both male and female. It seemed to be the name of the game. In our clutch of 6, 4 did within the next year and a half and they all married people from our university and the rest of us held out a bit. I was the last at 31. It just never occurred to me that that was ‘what should have been on the books’. I hope that we didn’t leave that idea with our kids, but actually they were all the same as me. Of the 3, the first (I think she was desperate to get married in her mind) eloped after the birth of their first child (divorce difficulties on his part), 2nd – still living common law after 16 years, and 3rd – real wedding – just weird – lobsters and French fries for the wedding menu, and I put up and slept and fed all 100 million of their friends – yes weird. As for the grandchildren – 3 – who knows what their hopes and dreams will be.
Margo, you were robbed. The imaginary guilder should be yours!
DeleteMargo, that wedding sound wonderful!
DeleteI had no plans of getting married before 25 or even 30. Fate had other plans. I met The Hubby when I was twenty and married him not quite three years later. I was a month shy of 23.
ReplyDeleteThe Girl will be 26 in July. She is struggling through the dating scene. Every guy she finds is too old, too clingy, or too "weird." She says, "I don't want another 6-year boyfriend, Mom. I want someone who appreciates me and wants to make a commitment." Turns out it's harder to do than you would think.
My folks never pushed any of us to marry or to reproduce, although they loved their grands dearly. I had, to put it mildly, "female troubles," which meant carrying a baby to term was an iffy proposition. My gyn at the time could not understand why I was not desperate to have a child. Second opinion gyn--"you are allowed to consider the quality of your life right now." Wow! A woman could have agency over her own body? A hysterectomy gave me the healthiest life I'd ever had and I've never regretted it. My nephews worry about me being alone--but they worry needlessly.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you explained the VOC, not that I'll remember it, but that's still good to know.
ReplyDeleteJust the other day my hair stylist told me her youngest just got engaged. So that is exciting but it doesn't necessarily mean a wedding at all. It seems like most of the young people I know aren't even thinking about marriage but they are happy to have a ring on it and be engaged. Her oldest daughter has a baby (no wedding that I know of, but I don't ask.) Both girls are in the process of buying a house which probably means any money they have will go to that, not a wedding. The mother told me she won't be paying for weddings either.
I agree with your premise that while some girls do eventually plan to get married, their priorities for now are quite different than when I was their age. I wasn't too smart at all.
I think the birth control pill revolutionized women's choices. Previous to that if a woman was attracted to a man, her choices were limited - basically she had to get married which meant she'd have children. Now women have the freedom to be in relationship (whether married or not) and put off getting married, having children until much later in life.
DeleteI wish I had been more insistent on what I really wanted to do after high school which was to go to a small liberal arts (preppy) college in New England but my parents never even mentioned going off to college so I didn't bring it up and ended up going to our local community college (I did eventually graduate from college and became a middle school teacher). While a first year college student I met a guy, got pregnant, got married, got divorced, and was a single parent at age 22. Fortunately I had a lot of support from my parents, had a good job and remarried at age 28 (we celebrated our 48th this year!).
ReplyDeleteIn 1973, my younger sister was offered a scholarship to MIT in Boston and my parents didn't think it was appropriate for a girl so she ended up going to a state school in Oregon instead, but never graduated. Fortunately, she ended up in Honolulu, HI (long story) and now owns tons of real estate in Oahu and things turned out well.
In the early 1970's, when I was a working single parent, I don't remember if women could open a checking account but I do remember that I couldn't get a credit card as a single parent. The women's movement starting in the 1960's really smashed a lot of the barriers we faced. All male Ivy's were admitting women, Title 9 came into being, women were allowed to be pilots in the Navy, women judges were more prominent, to mention a few changes.
ReplyDeleteWhat I encountered among my peers is the women who couldn't find Mr. Right and decided they had to marry Mr. Wrong because it was better and easier to be a divorced woman than a never-married woman. I'm 66, almost 67, and am part of the cohort that was told we could have it all which meant both marriage/family and a career. For those of us who have neither marriage/family nor career, it's been a challenge, but everyone's life is a challenge. I still shake my head at those women who didn't have enough self-confidence or self-worth to realize that choosing any man just to marry was not a good life plan.
ReplyDeleteJulia, thank you for explaining the meaning behind VOC. I was reminded that my immigrant ancestors emigrated to New Amsterdam a year before the city became New York.
ReplyDeleteRegarding expectations, my cousin and I were expected to go to Uni and have careers. And we accomplished that. I cannot recall what the expectations were of us regarding the marriage status.
Thinking about my 1969 high school class, there are only a tiny handful who never married, and two of them became nuns. I can only think of three others who are still single, of a class of 250.
ReplyDeleteI was planning an entirely different life than I had, but fate intervened. Everything turned out for the best, I think, though I never realized my 18-year old dreams. Thank goodness, because they were way too limited! Not starting on the path my teenaged self imagined meant I was free to do much bigger things.
For those interested, we finished our 8-day Camino yesterday. I managed to walk 27 miles of our 74-mile pilgrimage. (Which did not earn me a certificate, but that was not my goal.) Then today, as we were leaving the train station in Madrid, an older man in front of me on the ascending escalator lost control of his huge suitcase, and he lost his balance, falling backwards--onto me. Luckily, my husband grabbed him just enough to keep him from crushing me, and someone heard me shouting to stop the escalator in time, just a couple feet from the top. It took two men to get the man off me.
I am bruised from ankles to neck, and the escalator teeth got me pretty good on the backs of both legs, but I was wearing pants, so might avoid a disgusting infection. My daughter's fiance is a nurse, and he was wearing his Camino daypack full of medical supplies, and he bandaged me up right away, applying a heavy-duty antibiotic ointment.
Way too much drama!
Oh how awful Karen! How lucky your daughter's fiance had medical supplies. I hope you heal quickly. I'm impressed you walked 27 miles. Even more impressed your hub, et al, did the 74 mile pilgrimage. What an adventure. Thanks for keeping us updated too!
DeleteOh Karen, I am so sorry for your misadventure. As bad as it was, at least you didn’t fall backwards. I hope you heal quickly and can continue the rest of your trip with no ill effects. — Pat S
DeleteMy sister (four years older than me) was the first in our family to go to college and graduate. She didn’t say it in words, but her very being vibrated with the desire to not be an “old maid”. She “finally” got married at age 26, has three kids and has been married for almost 50 years.
ReplyDeleteI graduated from college without a career path or boyfriend. I met my future husband when I was 28 and he was 24. His mother was married five times; mine were married to each other for 50 years. We had very different perspectives about long-term relationships. I definitely wanted to be married, but was willing to live together until he “came around”. Maybe I wasn’t that different from my sister… We did get married (just celebrated our 35th anniversary), bought a house and have a child. I think that having an older mother (41 when I was born) influenced me that I should want to be married.
I am very impressed with young women today. They look for the kind of life (career, relationship, where to live) they want and seemingly have no fears about going after that. Despite efforts in certain parts of our society trying to take us back to the 1950s, these young women are going forward and seeking their own happiness. Good for them! — Pat S
Julia, I thought VOC might be some sort of really fancy brandy:-)
ReplyDeleteMy mom got married at twenty, but my parents never pressured me to get married. They wanted me to go to college and have a career. Marriage was never part of my game plan, either. My best friend got married at nineteen and had a baby at twenty and I thought she'd lost her mind. I can remember being twenty-six, with that college degree and a job--although not a very good one--and thinking that I would be happy being single the rest of my life. Sometimes life laughs at you, however! A couple of months after that I met my Scottish ex-husband and was lured by the glamour of living in Scotland, etc. Fast forward fourteen years, divorced, raising my daughter, and ended up with my highschool sweetheart. We just celebrated our 32nd anniversary. Go figure.