Irrational fears: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

JENN McKINLAY: What is your most irrational fear? I’m asking because at the moment I'm trying to work and I have an American Staffordshire Terrier (pitbull)/Australian Cattle Dog mix, hiding under my desk and shaking so hard she’s rattling the pens in their cup because...are you ready?...it’s windy!

Granted, it’s a fairly aggressive breeze out there but, come on, Annie, you are a ferocious beast -- not really, she hides under the dining room table when anyone drops an F bomb -- surely, a little wind isn’t that terrifying.

*Jenn glances under her desk to see a pile of pitiful fur needing a hug*

Give me a sec, I’ll be right back. Okay, girl dog has gotten loved on and is now calmer so I can continue my post. Watching her, I tried to think of my most irrational fear. Sharks leap to mind (thanks, JAWS), but I’d argue since they actually can eat you, it’s not irrational, you know, unlike the wind. 

So, what else do I have in my boogeyman closet? Well, true confession time, I am petrified of basements. I will not go down in one. Ever. Now, I don’t mean finished basements, where there’s a bar, a bathroom, and a big screen TV. I’m talking those single lightbulb on a string, wasteland of broken stuff, dirt floor, spider hostels, you know, the stuff of nightmares. Which is just silly. I mean it’s only a room in the ground, right? Ridiculous to have heart palpitations and sweaty palms just because you have to go down there to find an extension cord or whatnot. This is probably why I live in a ranch built on a slab of cement. No basement option!

So, how about you, Reds, what’s your irrational terror?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Well, I had to think about this. Roaches, certainly, any kind of shiny bugs that skitter really fast. Or have lots of legs, like a centipede! Yes, I hate centipedes! But I’m not sure that’s irrational, that seems quite logical. 

Basically I am more of an Undertoad person. Remember from Garp? I have a deep fear of the thing happening that I cannot imagine, some horrible random terrible thing. 

Okay, I’m not thrilled with rats or spiders or generic bugs of any kind, but more and more I’m sort of fascinated by them instead of afraid. 

HALLIE EPHRON: Lightning. I’m afraid it’s going to come inside. And don’t tell me it can’t. It can. I run around and unplug appliances and make everyone get off the phone (we still have a landline) and out of the bathtub. Close windows. At the same time I’m fascinated. Once I’ve battened down the hatches I raise the shades and turn off the lights and watch. Counting after each strike to gauge how far away it is.

RHYS BOWEN:  I hate to confess but I’m scared of the dark. If I go downstairs at our house in California I have to rush to find the light switch. I need a crack of light coming through the blinds when I sleep so I can see my way around the room. And spiders. I hate spiders. But I’m a good girl and put a glass over one I find in the bathtub ( unless it’s too big and hairy) and release it outside.And moths. Hate moths, the way they flutter at you. 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Oh, Jenn, if you ever want to terrify you, I have a cellar here that’s made for your nightmares. Dirt floor, ill-lit, stone walls and the debris of 200 years of ownership, including a huge boiler that looks like something out of The Shining.

My irrational fear is pretty standard - I’m arachnophobic. A photo of a spider gives me the damp sweats and heart palpitations, and will cause me to slam shut whatever I’m looking at, never to return. Just typing this is making me anxious you’ll out a spider picture up here - please don’t, Jenn!

Interestingly enough, now that I have presbyopia and can’t see anything up close unless I have my reading glasses on, I’m perfectly fine with either killing or co-living with spiders. AS LONG AS I CAN’T SEE ANY DETAILS. 

JENN: No spider picture here, Julia, but you might want to scroll past Lucy's section!

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh you guys would have FREAKED OUT if you’d seen the spiny orb-weaver spider on our deck. She (or he) had made a big web overnight blocking off 2 of John’s tomato plants and two of the seats that we use a lot. I looked it up--a good spider that eats many bugs. But still...John relocated her…

I am also afraid of car crashes. However, you are never going to convince me that this is irrational!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Oh, I LOVE orb spiders. One year we left one on our front porch for months (until Halloween, actually) because it was so fascinating to watch and the webs are so beautiful. I laugh at people who are afraid of mice. I mean, what is a mouse going to do to you? And why is climbing on a chair going to protect you from the evil mouse?

But, I have to admit it, I am totally freaked out by cockroaches. I don’t mean the little brown ones, I’m talking about the big, black, waterbugs. Ack!! I shriek! I drop things. Or throw things. Once I threw a whole twenty pounds of dry cat food in the air when a roach ran out of the bag.  These things don’t hurt you--why do they make react like someone in a bad horror film?

JENN: Creepy crawlies don't bother me...much. Unless I walk through their cobweb - ew - or they fly/slither right at me. So long as we respect each other's boundaries, we're good.

What about you, Readers? What's your irrational fear?

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

RHYS: As I said the other day, I've been having trouble sleeping, therefore I've been browsing through TV channels a lot more than I usually do. Am I wrong or is every second program a crime story? And not just a pleasant, uncomplicated whodunit with a Miss Marple or Inspector Alleyn at the helm, but the sort of dark, horrible CSI type of crime that one does not want to watch when falling asleep.


So I'm wondering why the world has suddenly become fascinated with darkness. God knows we are living in a dark enough time. The last depression in the thirties produced the big, glamorous Hollywood musicals--Esther Williams diving into a sparkling pool followed by a bevy of bathing beauties. Most of the stories were of the poor chorus girl who was plucked from the line and made anovernight star. It can happen to you, the messge was loud and clear. Yes, life is pretty grim at the moment but great and wonderful things can happen, and we can all be happy again soon. The sun will come out tomorrow.


Well, the situation isn't so different now. Plants closing, laid off workers not shopping,losing their homes, losing hope. And yet the fare on the screen is child abductions, warped serial killers, chainsaw masacres--both true crime and fictional. What is wrong with us? Can somebody tell me why darkness is appealing? Does it remind us that at least one person in the universe is worse off than we are?Does feeling scared remind us that we are still alive?
Interestingly enough the British crime scene has been all about darkness for some time now. Try and get a cozy mystery published in UK--it's not going to happen. And yet I read last week that the biggest grossing West End musical ever in London is Mama Mia--still playing to packed houses. It's as close to those old Hollywood movies as you can get--silly, light plot, everything is turned into a dance routine (and the movie has the added bonus of things that are easy on the eye--Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan and Greece)


Can we hope that this will be starting a trend and we'll see the public clamoring for more feel-good movies, plays and books? More silly tales about members of the royal family struggling to surive in the Great Depression, for example? One can hope.


JAN: Most likely, television content is a lagging indicator. All the dark, gritty crime stories are in still in response from the economic-boom now bust.I agree, although I write a fairly dark mystery and enjoy an occasioally dark, gritty thriller/movie, I can't imagine watching all those television mysteries. Both my kids used to watch CSA and Law and Order SVU so constantly that now when I inadvertently flip to one of those stations, I immediately switch. I know people who adore Dexter, which I'm sure is terrific given the cast, but its just a story I don't particularly want in my head. My agent yesterday told me serial-killer thrillers were hot. I told him I'd rather write real estate listings than write about serial killers.


RO: I was never an ABBA fan, but I went to see Mamma Mia with two high school friends and it was impossible to sit still. We were jumping around in our seats. I had no idea I knew all the words to those songs.Anyway...there's enough darkness around...I don't need to add to it.


HANK: Mamma Mia the movie? SO terrible, embarrassing, and I loved every second. (Jonathan during MM: Are you crying? Hank: (sobbing) Jonathan: (baffled)
We're addicted to The Wire on Netflix right now. And I think that really balances the ugly with the sweet.
But when it comes to scary dark stories--there's a TV news notion that people watch say, car accidents, because it reminds them that *they're* safe. Sort of-"my life is sometimes sad, but it's not as bad as *that* person's."


ROBERTA: That's the point I was going to make Hank. In these horrible dark books, the bad people run loose for a while, but then they're caught and justice prevails. When the world seems so out of control, maybe that's a comfort. My favorite books are very real--no serial killing but plenty of suspense, derived from real people with real problems. Jan, love your answer to your agent's suggestion!


HALLIE: Yes, I agree--those crime shows are so appealing today because (usually) everything is resolved at the end. We all crave the kind of “closure” that the real world rarely offers. I think the economic downturn is just beginning, and what we’ll see in the pipeline is exactly what Rhys is talking about, music and laughs, stories to escape into. Though I can’t see cinematic opulence making a comeback. I wonder how the studios could afford to make those extravaganzas in the Depression?


RHYS: Maybe we'll have to leave that kind of movie to Bollywood. Didn't you think that Mama Mia had a Bollywood feel. You're right, Hallie, it really was bad. Pierce Brosnan trying to sing,Colin Firth trying to dance and those middle aged sex kittens seducing young boys--and yet it was fun and I loved it enough to go out and buy it!So I'm hoping we are right and that trends will swing away from darkness to fun and hope (this is especially true for those of us who write on the cozy side)And maybe the public will finally tire of reality shows and we can go back to a good drama or two!