Don't be a Ding-aLing - the New Etiquette of Phones

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Phone etiquette. Remember what it was when we were kids? You answer, “Hello, Fleming residence,” and if the caller didn’t identify themselves, “May I ask who’s calling?” That was pretty much it for rules, because you just didn’t have many options. (When my dad added the brand new call-waiting service in 1978 because he was tired of the line being eternally tied up by two teenage daughters, we added another rule: when someone ‘beeped’ through, you had to get off your call and answer the next one. I think in modern terms we’d say it was a push notification service.

Now? Don’t get me started. The Washington Post and the Cut (part of The New Yorker) both recently published articles on modern phone rules. I thought I’d share some to see what you all thought.

At Home

Don’t leave a voicemail (except for bffs and fam who are always happy to hear your voice.) J: This is the one that exploded all over social media, particularly among those of us of a certain age. 

Text before calling, but no cryptic messages, ie, “We have to talk,” or “Call me now.” If there’s a specific issue you need to discuss, lay it out in the text. J: Not gonna lie, I love this. I love text because I can get back to you when it’s convenient; nowadays, an unexpected phone call feels like an intrusion. (If you’re a friend reading this, I don’t mean you.)

You don’t need to answer the phone when it rings! J: Which kind of brings up back to the answering machine days?

It’s ok to email, text or dm anyone at any hour. It’s on the recipient to manage their notifications.  J: I turn my phone off when I go to sleep, and set it on DND when I’m working.

In Public

Shine your phone flashlight discreetly in restaurants. J: I 100% agree with this. But also, restaurants, how about giving us enough light to read the damn menu? And can you turn down the music? And get off my lawn?

If you have to talk (or check something) excuse yourself from the table. Don’t start scrolling while at the table.  J: Also agree 100%.

No speakerphone convos in public. And for those of us who can only make it for about three months before losing airpod-like headphones, rejoice: plug in earbuds are back in style! J: I would also add, keep your voice down on your end while in public - unlike me. I was traveling recently, and at the airport, Youngest pointed out I used the same volume talking on my phone as I did when I was alone in my house. Ooops.

Face up and away from your phone while crossing the street. J: I’d add “And while walking in the city.” If you need entertainment from 5th Avenue to east 50th, play a podcast. With those attached earbuds! 

Friends and Family

Juicy gossip? Spilling the tea about a work incident? Always call, never text. J: This advice is approved by lawyers as well as etiquette experts.

Don’t share texts without permission. J: No screenshots, either!

Don’t text-bomb your friends! Group chats are the place for rapid-fire texting. 

Emergency? Let them know right away, don’t keep calling and texting hoping to break through. J: This feels like the one most likely to come from those of us who grew up even before answering machines, when the only way to connect was to ring and ring and ring. I remember being halfway across New York state, coming home from an audition to get into SUNY Purchase (no, I didn’t get an offer) and discovering I had lost my bus ticket. Trying to call and call from the bus station pay phone… shivers just remembering! I’ll take the modern mobile network anyday…

How about you, Reds? Anything here ring a bell?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I saw that article! SO fascinating. I can tell you, working at Channel 7, the “youngsters” absolutely would not make phone calls. Communication was via text, and email if absolutely necessary.

I’d say–just CALL the person! Call them!

That rant over, let me say I adore texting, it’s fast and semi-efficient.

Phone calls are SO efficient, especially when you make a plan via text to talk. 

But I will admit I don’t wanna answer the phone if I don’t want to. So don’t call, and then if I don’t answer, text and email to FORCE me to respond.

Hmm..”it’s on the recipient to manage their notifications.” Hmm. Sometimes I write the email on Saturday, and set it to send on Monday during working hours.

 Do we ALWAYS have to be available? NO. Do we have to assume that everyone else is always available? No.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the new methods of communication have retrained people to expect an immediate response.  It’s sender-centered, not receiver-centered. That’s why good ol’ answering machines were so convenient. 

RHYS BOWEN:  The new phone etiquette or lack thereof drives me crazy. If I’m talking to you I don’t expect you to pull out your phone, stare at the message and decide whether it’s more important than me at this moment . I do text a lot and like the convenience of texts but I agree with Hank that the younger generation never actually speaks. They text in abbreviated slivers, never a whole grammatical sentence. They must completely lack social skills. When I was growing up we were educated in the art of conversation!

Texts any time of the day or night? Not if I have a notification that pings! I get so many texts from political candidates it makes me decide never to donate again!

As for those who answer their phones on public transport and talk loudly, I call that justifiable homicide.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: When I was a kid our phone was a business line (my parents ran their business from home,) so you bet you had to answer properly, even in off hours. After many teenage-year fights, my parents gave in and got me a separate line. Remember those??

I put my phone on DND at night. Spam calls come in at all hours!, but even so, I don’t think people should text you in the middle of night. Email is fine, though. I have voice to text on my phone so almost never actually listen to voicemail, oops.

And can I just say that smart watches are now just as bad as smart phones for distracting people’s attention from real live conversations?

 

 

 

 

JULIA: How about you, dear readers? What do you think about the new rules for telephoning? 

Rhys on Rules

 RHYS BOWEN: Like most writers I’ve always been fascinated with words. My degree was in modern languages and I took French, Latin, German and Spanish at school. Since then I’ve dabbled in Welsh and Italian.  I love to see how different languages handle construction. I used to love Latin prose when everything was one long, long sentence with the verb at the end. Reading one was like reading a crossword puzzle! I loved teaching German because there is a neat and tidy rule for everything. If you use this preposition then this always follows…

Obviously I had English grammar drilled into me during all those years of schooling. Diagraming sentences, learning tenses… English seemed a language of so few rules, compared with German, for example. And yet I was reading an article recently by Tim Dowling in the Guardian that explains there are strict rules for English descriptions. We all know them but we were never taught them:

Fascinating.

It seems if you are using more than one adjective before a noun they have to be in a particular order and the rule is: opinion, size, age ,shape, color, origin, material, purpose.  Who knew?

So you can have the lovely little old  round pink French straw sun bonnet.

Try saying this differently and you sound weird.

If we change this order it sounds wrong. So you can’t say, as is quoted in the article: My Greek fat big wedding.

And another unspoken rule is that we deviate from the first rule when we say the big bad wolf.

Why is this? Apparently vowels have to follow a set order I, then A, then O.

So big bad.

Chit chat.

Flip flop.

Sing song.

All of this is in a book called THE ELEMENTS OF ELOQUENCE by Mark Forsyth. I’m going to order it asap. I’m not sure whether I want to thank him or not. Now, as I write, I am obsessed by whether I have all my adjectives in the correct order. The sweet little old lady, not the little old sweet lady (she’s someone who sells candy, I suspect). But it’s certainly fascinating that we all grow up learning this rule that we are never taught, isn’t it?

Can you think of any other rules for English we all know but were never taught?

Wait until the Movie Starts!

INGRID THOFT

You wouldn’t think that popcorn could be a divisive issue, but believe me, it can be.  I love to go to the movies, and I love movie popcorn, but over the years, I’ve developed a strict rule about the consumption of said popcorn.  The Ingrid Thoft popcorn rule is that you can’t start eating it until the main attraction begins.  Not when the lights go down.  Not when the previews begin.  Not even when the opening credits come on the screen telling you that Paramount or MGM produced the film.  I wait until the moment the movie starts.

When and why did this rule come about?  I can’t pinpoint when it started, but as long as I can remember, this has been my stance on popcorn at the movies.  The why is a little more obvious:  The movie itself is such a special event that I want its beginning to be heralded, not just by the opening chords of the soundtrack, but also by that first bite of buttery, salty deliciousness.

I know it sounds rather strict, but the good news is that my movie-going companions are not required to follow my rule.  In fact, I have one friend who enjoys placing her bag of popcorn under my nose during the previews in an attempt to lure me to the dark side.  The interesting thing I’ve found, however, is that some people adopt the rule voluntarily and then never go back.  They, too, have experienced the satisfying ritual of true movie popcorn.

What about all of you?  Popcorn or not (my hubby opts for Twizzlers)?  Wait or dig in?