I Would Like to Return...

LUCY BURDETTE: This pandemic and isolation has brought us so many gifts. (Can you hear hysterical laughter?) So I thought today rather than focus on counting our blessings in the mess, we could line up at the customer service counter and return something that is not working out. I’ll start. Mine is called “texting thumb.“ Yes, this is more commonly found in teenage gamers who can’t get off their phones. But what about middle aged doom scrollers? Yes this has happened to me, and it hurts and cramps my style—a person needs her thumb for so many things. It’s impossible to open a jar without a thumb for example. I place the blame squarely on the pandemic. And I haven’t been able to work on getting it fixed, because it’s a pandemic and you’re not supposed to be visiting physical therapists on a daily basis. And besides, with the new virus variants, I am still madly scrolling. How about you reds? Anything you would like to return?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Return? The fear. I have to return the fear. Soon, if all goes as planned, I will have two vaccinations. Jonathan, too. And yet I thinking--I am not going anywhere. Jonathan mentioned that he will go back to his law office. I said--no! Not unless I go with you. I seriously have a kind of PTSD about re-entry. That is--awful. When will we feel safe? We have been terrified for a year. If it takes 30 days to make a habit, how long does it take to un-do?

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Can I return the -mumblemumble- pounds I’ve put on during the past year? I put on close to twenty pounds after Ross died; not surprising, as I am a stress-eater. (Why couldn’t I take after my mother, who couldn’t consume a thing when she was troubled? At least when she had grief/stress/problems her clothes fit her better.) 

The second year after I became a widow, I managed to lose the weight PLUS take more off. I was swimming at the Y regularly, walking with friends, skipping dinner for salad in a bag since I wasn’t cooking for a family and, after Youngest went off to uni, I stopped buying ANY of the sweets and desserts my family loves (sugar is like a combination of kryptonite and heroin for me.)

Then… the Maine Millennial moved back in. And the shut-down started. And Youngest came home with Guest Son and suddenly I was cooking for four hearty appetites and stocking the pantry with cookies and candy and ice cream. And now my super loose, must-wear-a-belt jeans… aren’t. Please direct me to the counter where I can return these extra inches.

Tell me a Yarn by Bernard Spragg 

JENN McKINLAY: I would like to return the mountain of yarn I bought online with some grandiose vision of all the knitting I would do during the pandemic. I enjoyed shopping for the yarn and unboxing it, but after admiring the pretty colors and textures for a few minutes, I had less than no interest in knitting. I did not knit one thing. Not one. I just picked up my needles the other day and while I am enjoying it, I look at the mountain of yarn and realize it will be years before I use it all. What was I thinking?

HALLIE EPHRON: I would like to return the yeast. Early on I thought now would be the perfect time to learn to bake bread. Then I couldn’t find yeast at the market - like the owl and pussycat, it and the toilet paper had fled. So I posted on Facebook. 

Soon after that, one friend dropped off a plastic container of yeast. Another dropped of a 1-lb package. And… so now I am awash in yeast and bread baking no longer sings its siren song. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I would like to return mopping, thank you very much. I feel terribly spoiled to complain about doing without our housekeepers for a year, but oh how do I miss them. It's a big house and it takes me days (time that would be much better spent writing) to do what they do in a couple of hours. And mopping is the worst! I don't mind vacuuming--I do at least the downstairs most days (otherwise we would live in a sea of German shepherd hair) with our battery-powered Dyson, but mopping I will put off until my feet literally stick to the floor. Ugh.

RHYS BOWEN: No housekeeper here either, Debs. I have had enough of vacuuming the stairs. However, I would like to return my acid reflux that became really bad with all the stress of pandemic plus the uproar over the election, plus the storming of the Capitol. Now I’m on an extremely cautious diet that means no coffee, chocolate, alcohol, citrus fruit, spices… in short everything I love. If it’s not bad enough waking with burning pain in my stomach, I’m supposed to eat kale to cure it!

I wonder how many people would like to return the toilet paper they stocked up?

LUCY: Reds, anything you'd like for us to return for you when we're at the customer service counter?

Favorite Small Businesses by Jenn McKinlay

Jenn McKinlay: Now, I’m not here to bash Amazon…much. Truthfully, I love that I can order random stuff and have it at my house ON THE SAME DAY. It boggles, truly. Laser pointer for King George needed ASAP because I’m on deadline and he’s being a butt? Done. It came within hours. I didn’t even have to get in my car and drive anywhere. Mind blown! 

Obscurely shaped pots for my orchid, which suddenly decided to have babies? Actually, they’re called keikis, but whatever. The containers and fertilizer arrived in a week with a bonus five dollar reward because I didn’t make them deliver on the same day. Crazy, right? What madness is this? I remember when Amazon was mostly books and they were losing money like an oil leak out of a cracked engine. Look at them now! So, I don’t dislike Amazon, -- after all, they sell my books -- but as randomly fabulous as they can be, they simply can’t beat some of my favorite small businesses both here in Arizona and in the northeast. 

Why? Because knowing your customers and your product and, dare I say it, specializing in a thing matters. I like brick and mortar. I like talking to people who know their subject inside out ,upside down, and backwards. I like tips and tricks that can only come in person, face to face, instead of on YouTube, which admittedly, can also be cool, but still I crave the human interaction. So, in alphabetical order - because, librarian - here are some of my favorite small businesses:

Arcosanti is an experimental town, known for its molten bronze bell casting business. I have several of these bells hanging on my front porch. They are my early warning system when the monsoons roll in. The community built out in the desert is pretty cool to tour, very reminiscent of Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West, but its architectural/ecology mashup concept is the brainchild of the Italian-American architect, Paolo Soleri.

The Bells!

Gaspereau Valley Fibres Yarn. I’m an addict and it’s a problem, but this place explodes with all the fiber loving eye candy a gal could want, plus they offer classes in everything from felting to weaving. Yes, please! And they carry local Nova Scotian yarn, which I love! I go every summer and stock up on projects for winter. Also, you can email them with orders, although I haven't tried this yet from the States.

Long Winter Farm is a Maine soap company, that I visit when I’m back east and making my annual trek to Canada. They rose to infamy when the owner humorously crafted a lip balm called Nasty Woman - I ordered three – but the hippie nerdy vibe of all of their products makes me happy and their product descriptions make me laugh. They sell a soap called Unicorn Farts, people. I personally wiped them out of Sea Sprite body cream – yes, it smells like the ocean!

Poisoned Pen What can I say? It’s my home away from home. I’ve been going to the Pen since I moved to the Valley in 1992, three years after Barbara Peters opened her iconic bookstore. From Paul the dog to the painted outlines of bodies on the floor and bloody handprints on the tables, I love every inch of it. Plus, they put author videos on Youtube. How can you beat that? Here are three Reds in action!

 Hank at the Pen!

Rhys at the Pen!

 Jenn at the Pen!

Queen Creek Olive Mill Let me start with bacon infused olive oil. After that, really, what more needs to be said? This is a working olive mill out in Queen Creek, Arizona, that also hosts a fabulous restaurant and catering. I took my mom for the tour on her birthday and we had a blast, noshing on an olive/cheese plate, buying exotic olive oils and the products made from them – they even had cupcakes! When I’m stumped for a gift, I go to the mill. Also, I always think this would be a great setting for a cozy mystery series...hmm.

Olive Harvest!

So, Reds and Readers, what are some of your favorite small businesses? Share your top picks with us! Oh, and if you need a special day to give a boost to your local businesses, Small Business Saturday is on November 30^ththis year!