On Lying
"And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but The truth in masquerade"
Lord Byron
JAN: Do people really lie three times within 10 minutes of meeting someone new? That's a popular statistic circulating the web. Even as a journalist, always searching for lies, I found this tough to believe.
But then I realized. Hey, It's true. I probably lie a minimum of three times within the first ten minutes of a cocktail party. At least by the way the study defines lying.
Included in the definition are things like falsely agreeing with others and the misrepresentation of feelings. Ever choke back the way you really think?? I do it all the time.
Let me explain. Politically, I'm probably to the left of 80 percent of the country. Personally, of course, I think I'm dead center, with some surprising views on various issues that keep both the conservative and the liberal action groups sending me mail. But I live in Massachusetts, so by local standards, I'm a raging conservative. And because I'm a writer, people take it for granted that I'm liberal. They make statements presuming I agree with them. Do I jump into it?
It would mean a verbal fist fight, and because I believe that no one has ever really swayed anyone's political beliefs by cocktail conversation, I smile and say nothing.
For me, it's politics. For others it's religion, music, or whether they actually enjoy the ballet. I know people who have to lie to stop people from shoving a cocktail into their hands. Sometimes we just keep our mouths shut because it just doesn't seem right to tell your best friend her new hairdo looks like straw or that her new drapes are making you dizzy.
So come on, fess up: What do you LIE about??
HALLIE: Here's what I don't lie about. My age. Or what I paid for the outfit you just complimented me on, bless you.
But yes, if someone starts in on anything political, I don't so much lie as refuse to engage. My politics are my personal business, thank you very much. Besides, it seems like I rarely meet anyone who is genuinely interested in engaging in a discussion on issues--they just want to be clever and dismissive and yell. So I shut down. Is that lying?
JAN: Yes, according to this study's definition: You are lying about your feelings, God forbid.
RO: My first instinct was to protest that I never lie, but reading your definition of lying I guess I do. I went to a reunion recently...and definitely dropped a few omissions/lies there. And Bouchercon is coming up...oooh I'll probably do a bit of fibbing there. (e.g., "It's an honor just to be nominated!") I try not to make a habit of it, though, because I'm really a terrible liar. My mother always used to say that and I think she did it just to spook me into always telling her the truth. She said she could always tell when I was lying and now I think everyone else can too.
So Hallie...where did you get that wonderful black shoulder bag you have...the small one with the metal clasp? Was it fabulously expensive? (This is a test.)
HALLIE: Ooooh,isn't it great? Italy! At a factory outlet...gorgeousness for less than $50.00. Unless you count the cost of the trip. Those Italians really know how to make gorgeous handbags.
HANK: I guess...I do...I always feel SO GUILTY,though. Social excuses, mostly.(Oh, so sorry we can't make it, because...but most often I don't give a reason.) And I actually do lie about the cost of things. Actually, I don't lie, I just don't tell. And in political discussions, I generally just try to prevent the other two guys from fighting.
There's a person I see from time to time, and if you ask her a question, she'll often begin her answer with "I'm not gonna lie to you, but..." I just instantly decide whatever she's saying is not true. (And RO, it IS an honor to be nominated for an Anthony. No lie. Congratulations!)
But then I realized. Hey, It's true. I probably lie a minimum of three times within the first ten minutes of a cocktail party. At least by the way the study defines lying.
Included in the definition are things like falsely agreeing with others and the misrepresentation of feelings. Ever choke back the way you really think?? I do it all the time.
Let me explain. Politically, I'm probably to the left of 80 percent of the country. Personally, of course, I think I'm dead center, with some surprising views on various issues that keep both the conservative and the liberal action groups sending me mail. But I live in Massachusetts, so by local standards, I'm a raging conservative. And because I'm a writer, people take it for granted that I'm liberal. They make statements presuming I agree with them. Do I jump into it?
It would mean a verbal fist fight, and because I believe that no one has ever really swayed anyone's political beliefs by cocktail conversation, I smile and say nothing.
For me, it's politics. For others it's religion, music, or whether they actually enjoy the ballet. I know people who have to lie to stop people from shoving a cocktail into their hands. Sometimes we just keep our mouths shut because it just doesn't seem right to tell your best friend her new hairdo looks like straw or that her new drapes are making you dizzy.
So come on, fess up: What do you LIE about??
HALLIE: Here's what I don't lie about. My age. Or what I paid for the outfit you just complimented me on, bless you.
But yes, if someone starts in on anything political, I don't so much lie as refuse to engage. My politics are my personal business, thank you very much. Besides, it seems like I rarely meet anyone who is genuinely interested in engaging in a discussion on issues--they just want to be clever and dismissive and yell. So I shut down. Is that lying?
JAN: Yes, according to this study's definition: You are lying about your feelings, God forbid.
RO: My first instinct was to protest that I never lie, but reading your definition of lying I guess I do. I went to a reunion recently...and definitely dropped a few omissions/lies there. And Bouchercon is coming up...oooh I'll probably do a bit of fibbing there. (e.g., "It's an honor just to be nominated!") I try not to make a habit of it, though, because I'm really a terrible liar. My mother always used to say that and I think she did it just to spook me into always telling her the truth. She said she could always tell when I was lying and now I think everyone else can too.
So Hallie...where did you get that wonderful black shoulder bag you have...the small one with the metal clasp? Was it fabulously expensive? (This is a test.)
HALLIE: Ooooh,isn't it great? Italy! At a factory outlet...gorgeousness for less than $50.00. Unless you count the cost of the trip. Those Italians really know how to make gorgeous handbags.
HANK: I guess...I do...I always feel SO GUILTY,though. Social excuses, mostly.(Oh, so sorry we can't make it, because...but most often I don't give a reason.) And I actually do lie about the cost of things. Actually, I don't lie, I just don't tell. And in political discussions, I generally just try to prevent the other two guys from fighting.
There's a person I see from time to time, and if you ask her a question, she'll often begin her answer with "I'm not gonna lie to you, but..." I just instantly decide whatever she's saying is not true. (And RO, it IS an honor to be nominated for an Anthony. No lie. Congratulations!)
Labels: anthony awards, ballet, hallie ephron, Hank Phillippi Ryan, honor, Italian handbags, Jan Brogan, lying, politics, rosemary harris, social excuses
posted by Jungle Red Writers at 12:19 AM
Lucy Burdette 
Jan Brogan
10 Comments:
I won't falsely agree with others, but I hold back what I really think a lot. So by this definition I guess I lie a lot. I don't withhold because I'm afraid to say what I think. I withhold because sometimes I'm with a group of people (usually strangers) who won't value it -- and I'm selfish with my communication energy. I'd rather discuss things with people who are willing to engage than throw out my opinions in the middle of some rant session with people locked in to their own rhetoric and/or grandstanding. Now this is on general topics -- say, seatbelt laws or health care reform or Michael Jackson. It's a choose your battles thing.
Jan, we may be much of a muchness on this.
There are some kinds of discourse or topics I won't be silent about, ever: cruelty/abuse issues, hate speech, xenophobia, for example. Now if the Michael Jackson or health care reform discussion crosses into one of these areas -- look out. }:>
Like Hallie, I am always honest about my age. These days, and having too many friends critically ill, I feel really proud to have gotten there reasonably intact in the first place.
(And congratulationson the Anthony nomination, Rosemary!)
Hi Susannah,
I'm with you and Hallie on the age thing. Every year is an achievement. Besides, who wants to lie about being younger and then have people think you look OLD for your (imaginary) age??
~jan
When I first read the post this morning, I thought to comment, "When a non-writer friend who knows that I write asks me how the writing is going, I usually lie, 'fine.' When I really want to scream: 'No! I'm stuck halfway through the book! It's going terribly!'" So instead of posting a comment, I kept my butt in the chair and got at least a little unstuck. So thank you for the prod.
Edith
Uh oh. Here comes The Devil's Advocate. :-) I sometimes think lying gets a bad rap.
Is "tak(ing) your frown and turn(ing) it upside down" a lie? Yup. Going out when you'd rather stay home and watch re-runs of House? Sure.
But committing such "lies" are all healthy behaviors, as opposed to the truth.
Maybe I'm splitting hairs. After all, I have enough split ends that I'm apparently pretty good at that. :)
Ricky Gervais' current movie, "The Invention of Lying," could make relevant comment to this thread. He's the only guy who can lie in a world that only knows the truth and is, thus, extremely gullible.
But not only do the people in this world always tell the truth, they don't withhold any thought at all. That candor is sometimes funny (a waiter: "I tasted a little of your drink before I brought it") and sometimes bittersweet, even painful.
Edith,
I'm glad we gave you a prod!! Awful days are necessary, I think though,to get to that next day when suddenly the clouds part and you can write.
Rhonda,
I'm with you. I think telling everyone exactly how you feel despite the circumstances, is a bit of an indulgence. Does everyone care to know how I feel all the time. I strongly doubt it.
Susannah -- I'll have to go see it!
"I think telling everyone exactly how you feel despite the circumstances, is a bit of an indulgence. Does everyone care to know how I feel all the time. I strongly doubt it."
I'd like that embroidered and framed. Right where I can see it. Often.
Thanks Susannah!!
I hold back comments in certain areas of conversation - definitely politics and religion. It's just not worth getting into, and I try to leave the situation asap. I THINK I'm pretty honest otherwise. I'll have to check up on myself and see :)
Hi Jemi,
I think we're all fairly honest. I think the definition of lying is what's wrong!!!
Post a Comment
<< Home