Thursday, July 2, 2020

What We're Writing--Hank in the Middle

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  I’ve been here before, Reds and readers, I have been here 12 times. The first time I had no idea what I was getting in for, and simply powered ahead, blithely a newbie, having no idea how difficult it was to write a book.

By book two, I realized the middle of the manuscript was a morass of hideous quicksand, an impossible journey, a slog, a step-by-step, inch by inch, crawl through the unknown.

You know by now that I do not outline, as much as, every single time, I wish I was adult enough to do so. But I do not know what happens next to my books, not until the next sentence and the next chapter in the next paragraph.

USA Today Bestseller--now in MASS MARKET PB!
When I am finished, somehow my brain has Rubik's cubed all the puzzle pieces and put them into a coherent and even, sometimes, entertaining order, and it’s all fine. But sisters, along the way, it is very difficult.

I try to look at it  as 1000 words at a time. I say the mantra: just keep going just keep going just keep going.

And I heard a wonderful author last night say that the key was to write without fear. I was so touched by that! It’s very easy, during a first draft, to criticize yourself at every decision. Every word. Thinking – – as I do so often – – this is absolutely terrible! I don’t even know what a sentence is, I don’t even know what a word is! How did I even ever do this before? And then I try to laugh, because I know this is what happens every time.

You know my upcoming book, THE FIRST TO LIE, just got a star from Publishers Weekly. (Whoo hoo!)  Well, I will confess, only to you, that there were many days, and I mean many, where I thought this book just isn’t going to work. It doesn’t make any sense, I don’t have it, it’s bad bad bad, maybe I should just give up. But of course, I couldn’t, because everyone at the publisher was waiting for it.

I also keep a writing journal, just a couple of lines every day.  I  am gratified and embarrassed to say that every journal, 13 in a row, start the same way:  "Day one. I have no idea."

And somehow, something happens and then something else happens and then something else happens. And then I got the PW star. 

(So I was wrong. But! Now I fear that’s the last time that’s going to happen.)

The other things that seem to recur at the stage is that I write a lot of things that I know will be cut. And that is kind of powerful. Even reassuring. Sometimes it is just me looking for the story, and I know it will get deleted. It will have been instructive to me, but not necessary to the book.

I have a problematic character in the book that's coming next. She is a 1999 college girl, smitten with her professor. Yes, I know this is inappropriate, but in 1999, a certain kind of  18-year-old might’ve felt that way, mightn't she? The same way she’d have had a crush on a rock star, or a movie star, or some other fantasy. She’s not exactly self-actualized, let me say that off the bat.

So, her personality evolves. Here’s a little bit of what she's like right now. Don’t hold me to this! It will be fascinating, I hope, to see how this changes in a month or two, to see how Cassie behaves and what she decides. 

At the beginning of the book, which takes place 20 years after this scene, Cassie is gone. Vanished. Missing. Where did she go? (And of course I have no idea.)

But here’s a tiny bit of the Cassie that exists in the first draft of the first draft of the first draft.  

HANK'S WIP Chapter 10

Cassie couldn’t wait. She would see him in fifteen minutes. She felt the warm mid-morning sun wrap her in its October glow as she hurried up the cobblestone walk to Wharton Hall, a classically imposing gray stone behemoth at the edge of Berwick Green. Okay, so like, she was wrong, she’d been wrong that college was going to suck. Her mom had insisted it’d be wonderful, that night before leaving for school. But Cassie—and she had to admit she carried a dark lump of embarrassment inside her about it about it now--had thrown a huge fit in her bedroom, and refused to leave home. She’d even picked up two corners of her new black suitcase, tipped everything out onto her pink and white bedspread, and slammed the empty thing closed.
         Pooch had yelped, barking, thinking he needed to protect her. When Cassie was angry, Pooch got scared. Smart dog.
“Come ‘ere, Pooch,” Mom patted her knee, quieting him, but stayed, posture ballerina-elegant as always, in the hunter green chair in the corner, her gray-edged hair twisted into a messy bun. Pooch whuffled into mom’s knee, traitor that he was. Stupid dog.
“Cass, honey, is there something you’re trying to tell me?” Mom’s voice had that quiet edge she used when she was trying to stay calm.
But she didn’t have to be so sarcastic about it. Yeah, there was something she was more than trying to say. She was saying it.
“I can get a job,” Cassie had insisted. She’d also seen Lily trying to hide outside her bedroom door, as if Cassie didn’t know she was eavesdropping like crazy, like she always did, on everything Cassie did and said and planned, and that made her even angrier. Lily, what a complete dork, and totally got all the attention because she was younger and needier and missed her father so deeply much. As if Cassie didn’t miss him, too. In a way.
“I don’t need stupid college. I can be a model, everyone says so, and that’ll be easy and awesome.  I’ll be like the new face of Y2K. Or—something.” So maybe that was overreaching. But she’d plowed ahead, concocting her plans as she said the words out loud. “I’ll, like, take the bus to New York and find an apartment, and—send you all the money.”  She’d paused, watching her mom’s face. Gauging to see whether she was buying into this scenario.
“Whenever you’re finished,” her mom had a fake little smile pasted on her face, a smile that meant whatever, “you can pack these things back up and we’ll finish loading the car.”
They’d glared at each other,  a standoff, Cassie in cut offs and a plaid flannel, her mom in jeans and one of Dad’s old shirts, which always made Cassie sad. She didn’t understand why mom would insist on wearing dad’s clothes.  It was hard enough that he was gone without having to see his stuff all the time. Mom should have gotten rid of it, long ago. Started totally over.
Memories were toxic, Cassie knew. You could learn lessons from the past, and she did, but then hoarding all those bygones would only make your brain more crowded.  Memories were sadness, and regret, and replaying bad things. She’d become a trained  surgeon with her own memories, removing everything she didn’t need. Tossing it.
“Can I have her room?” Lily had edged into the doorway, wearing dumb sneakers about fifty times bigger than her feet.
“Shut up,” Cassie said. As if everything wasn’t upended enough. Ended enough. Her dad would never have let this happen. But how did it happen? When did she change? Like, overnight? All though senior year she’d craved going to college. On her own, meeting real people, smarter people, no curfews, no rules, no “take your sister with you.”  She’d have her own place. Sort of, with a roommate, but still.  But now, all that new seemed—too much. Too much new at once. “Mom? Tell her to get out of here.”
“Cassandra.  Blair. Atwood.”  Her mom stood, planted her hands of her hips. Pooch’s tail whap-whap-whapped against the blue chair. “You apologize to your sister. Now. And then pack.”
“Screw you,” Cassie said.
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” her mom had said, her voice super-quiet.
“Cassie?”
Cassie flinched as her name startled her back to the real world. Or present time, at least. October. Berwick University. The Green. Ten in the morning. Two girls, one in a BU t-shirt, the other wearing a flannel shirt just like Cassie’s. She wasn’t sure of their names, but they were probably in her dorm.
“Hey,” she said, pretending. She’d figure their names out soon enough. If it mattered. Now she needed to get to class. She'd see him in ten minutes.


HANK: If you're still with me, thank you! And you should know the main character of this book is Lily, the little sister.
Do you dislike Cassie too much?
Let me know! And now, back to writing.  Only fifty thousand words to go.

60 comments:

  1. Oh, poor Cassie . . . it’s as if she’s equal parts scared and anxious to go to college. And now I’m wondering if her attraction to the professor has anything to do with the missing [and missed] dad . . . .
    At any rate, I enjoyed this little excerpt and I’m looking forward to finding out exactly why Cassie ended up missing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hank, I so don’t want to wait for this book. You have hooked me but good. I don’t dislike Cassie at all. I understand her fear about leaving home and know her anger and bad behavior is just how that fear is coming out. Although I didn’t react like that to leaving home for college, I do remember that I was a bit sad about leaving home and my family to go away to something unknown. (I quickly settled in though.) I have to say in your new book that I was more irritated with Lily asking for her room and the mom taking Lily’s side than I was with Cassie’s behavior. The mom had to have realized that Cassie didn’t need to think about her sister taking over her room then. But, as I said, I am hooked and can’t wait to read the story and see how Cassie gets involved with a professor and what happens and how Lily becomes the main character. Hank, you never disappoint.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Cassie's got some stuff going on - and I want to know what! Nice job. One word at a time, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hank, I love you describing how you Rubik's cube all the pieces together at the end of your book. It definitely works for you!

    As for the WIP, I understand Cassie's acting out and trepidation about leaving home to go to university. Cassie's behaviour and her mother and Lily's responses give us some hints about the family dynamic. The death of Cassie's father has had an effect on the girls, too.

    Can't wait to read more about how Cassie's involvement with the professor and her disappearance impacts Lily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, terrific. YOu all are wonderful...and Grace, your garden is spectacular!

      Delete
    2. Awww thank you, Hank.
      Satan the Squirrel was scared off by me when I made that video, and has not been seen since.
      But he'll be BAAACK!

      Delete
  5. No, I don't dislike Cassie at all. I've felt the same way at times. Longing for life changes. Dreading those same changes. Terror about the unknown. (Don't we all feel a little of that right now?) And I'm with Joan. I suspect her attraction to her professor has a great deal to do with needing to fill the void left by her father.

    Can't wait to read the finished product!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY! I just worry about the crush-on-professor part...but that dad thing. Hmm. Does that make it more understandable? Or creepier?

      Delete
    2. Hank, I've known girls who lost their fathers young and seemed to always look for love in all the wrong places trying to fill that void. As long as she's not aware of her own motivation, you should be fine.

      Delete
    3. Hank, it's so normal for a girl that age to have a crush on a professor, even without the father complication! The question, of course, is whether or not the professor took advantage of it....

      Delete
  6. Since I'm going through pretty much the EXACT same thing with my son (who leaves for college at the end of August), no, I don't dislike Cassie at all. Can't wait to read it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting, Liz. I was thinking Cassie sounded too immature for nineteen - I guess not!

      Delete
    2. Really! And Edith, that's what I was worrying about. She's just 18, though.

      Delete
    3. No, my son waffles between being anxious to get to school in August and being terrified. The Girl was always ready to go, but she had a lot of friends who did the same - and several who, after a semester, fled back to the safety of home. It's a very trying time.

      Delete
    4. I think that Cassie’s behavior is perfect for an 18 year old, as it demonstrates the moving into adulthood while the child is still clinging on at times. The transition from child to adult, from living at home with its safety and familiarity to going away to college (or just moving out on your own) with the unknown looming large is certainly something that can cause a backward reaction before the plunge is taken.

      Delete
  7. Oh Hank! This excerpt really spoke to me. I lost my father when I was 13 and while I didn't feel exactly the way Cassie does when I went off to college, it is close enough that it pierced my heart. No matter what else you do, make sure you find a place to keep that paragraph about memories. As someone who spent years acting as a trained surgeon with her memories, you nailed it.

    In answer to your question, I don't dislike Cassie one little bit. Rather, my heart breaks for her. I can't wait to learn the twists that lead to her disappearance, and what becomes of her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you! (I can;t wait, either. Because yeah, I don't know. :-)

      Delete
  8. I had a Cassie, who lived to travel the world instead of attending college. Fortunately, once she visited DC and envisioned herself there, it was all systems go. And yes, she's visited every continent except Antarctica.

    I find Cassie credible, even to her pursuit/harassment of her professor. And suspect Lily is the deeper, more-nuanced character with emotional baggage.

    Go for it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like Cassie and I like the snippet. I'm not worried for the end result and I'll be there to read it. Go Go Go...

    ReplyDelete
  10. It feels true, so never mind like or dislike. I want to see what happens...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Hank, it's rather reassuring to us mere mortals that a fiction rockstar still experiences the same old same old when writing--those nagging voices/fears/self-criticism! But Cassie nails that character--not all 18-19-year-olds are mature when they graduate high school and move on to whatever comes next. I saw a Cassie myself as an undergraduate--sitting in a popular course, waiting for the professor to arrive. A pretty coed came into class just after he arrived (mid-1970s, wearing, of all things, an orange jumpsuit, clogs, and big choker beads! Later, he upgraded his image with tweed blazers, oxford shirts, etc. A good friend said he looked like a JCPenney underwear model) :-) Back to the coed. She positioned herself in the exact middle of the seats, a few discreet rows back, and eagerly waited for some sign of greeting/recognition from him. As he turned to face the class, his gaze swept impersonally over her. She stiffened, then her shoulders slumped. I found out later, when I was in graduate school (he was a professor in my department), that my assumptions about that scene were probably correct. He was a serial philanderer among the pretty coeds. So yes, Cassie is totally believable. Keep those fingers slogging across that keyboard, little missy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, my gosh--I have this scene already! AMAZING! I will tuck it in here later this AM because..whoa. Truly, that exact thing.

      Delete
  12. I think Cassie is completely relatable. Too much loss and too much change in too short a time can make anybody a fear-driven whacko. And it makes sense that she'd crush on one of her profs, with her father gone. It all makes sense to me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Having just lost my own dad the summer before college, I can relate to Cassie's will-o-the-wisp future plans, and with her preoccupation with her own stuff. That kind of thing knocks the pins out from under a young person.

    It's sad knowing she's on a path of going missing. Loads of story potential here, Hank. Looking forward to seeing where you go with it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hank, I'm supposed to be reading this but the download got lost in the ethers. Any ideas about what to do to retrieve it? Or do I blame it on my plague-battered brain cells?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Already my heart is breaking for Cassie! I like her, I feel her. She is me? I am she? Cannot wait to read the book, Hank! Whatever your strategy or lack of strategy is, it works.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So true. Fear of the unknown. Absolute disregard of reality when spinning off her plan of being a model. Little sister already claimjumping her space. Coeds hitting on profs and/or the reverse. Nothing ever changes. Or will it? Tell us more Hank!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hank, wow! I love the opening and do not dislike Cassie at all. Kids that age can be really mature or really immature and it can switch back and forth daily! And crushes. Oh, yeah. Too bad you have Cassie going missing, but she is vulnerable.

    Don't hesitate to write it because a professor who is hitting on students creeps you out. For some, it is just the way it is. There are lots of predator's on college campuses. Lots. Some jocks. Some profs. Some administrators. Young women at my U. were gaga over the new, young dean. They were smitten by the basketball players. There was a psych prof from England that could have scored (his accent was all it took)! Hey. It was the '60's. We burned our bras and the dorms were finally unlocked after 8:00 pm. Different times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally different times, so agree. In 1999--I think a teen could have a crush.

      Delete
  18. In this scene flashback, Cassie sounds just like ...let's see...like a kid leaving home, full of mixed emotions. Which is just what she is.She does not seem at all immature to me Some can't wait. Some burst into tears.I wish her all the best! (And it's very comforting, Hank, to know you too feel like you don't know what you are doing while you are in the midst of the writing.That unconscious, working away in the background, could be a little more communicative, right?) :-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hank, I am so pulled in!!!! This is fabulous. I actually love Cassie and the angst and pain she is clearly trying to squash. Who is she seeing? I am on the edge of my seat! Well done! And, yes, middles are the worse. To me, they are the dead marshes of writing. (sigh)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Nope, don't dislike Cassie at all. From what we see here she is a very confused young woman who is hurting and trying desperately not to show it. As always can't wait to read this. And WE all know it will be great! (and taking this long weekend to read my so-lucky-to-have ARC of The First to Lie :) ). xxsally

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hank, I dealt with a girl going off to college less than a year after her dad died, and I think you've got it spot on. There was a lot of anger, a lot of not wanting to leave, a lot of wanting to leave... It's a confusing, emotional time for kids in the best of circumstances, let alone after a family trauma.

    And yes, when The Smithie packed up for her first year, Youngest DID ask if she could take any stuff left behind.:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is SO great to hear! Oh, thank you! And you are a good mom...

      Delete
  22. Hank, it never fails to amaze me--no, ASTOUND me, that you can these fabulous books without any idea where you are going!!!! I found Cassie totally believable, and relatable, and now I'm worried about what happens to her. And I want to know who Lily turns out to be.... Great job, just keep going!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is so much fun to read...thank you, you really make me laugh. Aww. Back to the manuscript!

      Delete
  23. Hank, I'm all in after reading this excerpt! I mothered three sons but I have four granddaughters; two of them are approaching puberty and it's a rocking ride currently. So Cassie has all of my empathy and love. You nailed the conversation between her, Lily and their mother. I reminded me of my DIL having to take these same verbal assaults daily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, WHEW! Thank you! I might have to talk to you all EVERY day! xooxo

      Delete
  24. I say sleep on it. Let your subconscious marinate and percolate on this some, and the answer will prevent itself. She sounds pretty credible to me, especially with being so enthralled with, in her mind, a worldly professor. I'd be the same at her age :). Good luck with this! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you! You all have been so wonderful..SO helpful! Thank you!

      Delete
  25. I don't hate Cassie; I've taught Cassie. Life is so darned confusing at that age. I love her mother's "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." The smart parents know when to pick their battles.
    As for a crush on a prof., perfectly age appropriate. What is NOT appropriate is for the professor to take her up on it.
    I remember a class discussion with my high school juniors, when the news was filled with a Chicago journalist's affair with an intern. My students were adamant that he did nothing wrong because she was not a minor and could make her own choices. I don't think they "got" my assertion that a person in a position of authority must not take advantage of youth.
    . . . which reminds me of a student who sought to flirt his way out of trouble, "C'mon, Ms. Garrett, haven't you ever wanted to date a younger man." I gave him my sternest look and said, "Jeff, sweetie, your FATHER is a younger man."
    I've been told he's grown to be a successful adult. Most of them do, we just have to get them safely through the tough patches.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh, poor Cassie! What horrible thing is going to happen to her 20 years down the road? I don't even want to think about it. But you'll have to, now that you've started it. Yikes...

    I totally relate to flying into the mist. It's fascinating how one's subconscious mind drops all these bits and pieces and clues into the story while you're writing it, and all of a sudden everything falls into place, and whoa, there's a story that looks like you planned it all expertly from the start... Ha! Writing is *such* a trip.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You are all so wonderful! I cannot begin tell you what a difference this made. Love you so much.. and I am so grateful for your reassurance.

    ReplyDelete