Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Perfectly Mismatched

Their wedding day, July 9, 1976

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I was writing about my parents recently, and began thinking about how unlikely a pair they were. My mother was gregarious, outgoing, loved to travel and had sophisticated tastes formed by her early adult life living in and visiting throughout Europe, the US and North Africa. Dad, on the other hand, was taciturn. He was a dedicated homebody (Visiting one summer, 6-year-old Youngest was shocked when he came home with take-out pizza. "I didn't know Grampy went outside!") And his humor ran more toward "pull my finger jokes."

But they were a perfect pair. Loving, devoted, each of them bringing a whole suitcase full of different outlooks, ideas and experiences to their marriage.

The hugging had obvs kicked in

When I started looking around, I realized the "I can't believe they're together" couples of my acquaintance outnumber the ones who are like two peas in the pod. Take my own marriage. When I met Ross, I was a volatile, dramatic, extrovert whose life was all about the arts. He, on the other hand, was like an animated Brooks Brothers suit (slim athletic cut.) Somehow, it clicked, and we went on for thirty years, our various differences rubbing off on each other until I became a much calmer, more controlled person and he became a talkative hugger.

My young adult kids, who took after me in the Drama! and High Emotions! department, have all paired off with steady, calm, feet-on-the-ground types, a fact I can only be deeply grateful for. And of course, I can see the same dynamic play out in several friends' marriages, usually with one person flying off into the wild blue yonder, as it were, while the other acts as Ground Control.

I suspect this might be something a lot of online meet-and match sites are missing. When shopping looking for a date, presented with a grocery list of likes, inclinations and personality traits, it's only natural to swipe right on someone who seems to fit with your likes, inclinations and personality traits. (I don't have direct experience with this, but I've got to hear a LOT about online dating from my children and young friends.)

Really, would anyone with an account at Bumble or match.com think, "I'm pretty quiet and withdrawn, so I should definitely pick this person with a picture of themselves dancing on top of a bar. (Yes, dear readers, I did do that once in my flaming youth, and can only be thankful 'camera phones' were strictly science fiction back then.) Or conversely, "I'm madcap and impulsive, and this person who describes themselves as a cross between an accountant and a railway timetable scheduler sure looks like the one for me!"

We'll get to see in the future how meeting significant others based on shared musical tastes plays out in people's lives and in society in general. All I can say is, I never would have hooked up with a guy who loved country music, the Archies, and Herman's Hermits if I had known - but I'm sure glad I did.

Do you know a couple that seems perfectly mismatched? Are you in a relationship with your opposite? Let us know in the comments!

74 comments:

  1. John is so much better at being outgoing than I will ever be, but we tend toward being more alike than opposite . . . .

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    1. I do know quite a few couples who are very much alike, Joan, including my brother and his wife, who have very similar levels of sociability, etc. My Aunt Mary and Uncle Ron met in middle school, married at 18, and stayed happily together for over 60 years, and they were as alike as two peas in a pod. No one is surprised when THOSE two get together :-)

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  2. I love this, Julia. Hugh and I actually met on match.com 18 years ago. He's a tall introverted pessimist. You all know who I am (I have also danced on tables, readers, in my distant past) - short, outgoing, optimistic. And we complement each other. He gently convinced me to start driving more slowly. I gently bring him along on social engagements when he otherwise would have been watching TV or doing crosswords in his den. I leave him alone in his den. He leaves me alone to write my books. We come together to eat and watch movies and play cribbage. It works!

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    1. Edith, I love this story. Most of the men in my life are TALLER than I am. My mom, who was tall at 5 feet 8 inches, often remarked on meeting short men before she met my father. So glad that your experience with match dot com worked out and you met Hugh. He sounds like a good guy.

      Diana

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    2. Edith, Ross and I were like that. His strengths were my weaknesses, and vice versa

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    3. A match made in h . . . er, cyberspace. <3

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  3. JULIA: My parents were similar to yours. My mom was gregarious, always had a smile, loved the arts. She also gave me the gift of reading. My dad was taciturn, never showed affection and was a homebody who preferred to plunk himself in front of the TV in the evenings and weekends. I never saw him read a book my entire life. It was an arranged marriage but they made it work for 42 years until my mom suddenly passed away in 2003.

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    1. Grace, one thing I've learned is, arranged or not, everyone has to make it work! (But one of these days, we want that story! Were they Issei?

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  4. I've learned that after a few decades of trying that I'm pretty much a mismatch for anyone so I just stopped. I'm good with it since I simply just do what I'm interested in and don't have to worry about anyone or anything else.

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    1. I can so relate! See below.

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    2. Cue Whitney Houston singing, "The greatest looooove of alllllll...."

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  5. My husband is reserved and quiet. You have to pry his opinions out of him. I am outgoing and sometimes boisterous, although much less than when we met. (Table dancing? Maybe.) I was much more likely to stand up in a situation and give someone hell. He was more likely to quietly steam.

    He is an engineer, exactly the kind that the whole English Department made fun of back at UCONN. I can do math and science, but language and stories are my greatest strengths. Together, we can do the whole crossword puzzle. (Now he reads 2 books a week, too.)

    But, the three most important things for us both: devotion to family and loyalty to one another; a love of nature, the great outdoors ( not many Jewish guys love camping the way we did it!) and animals (especially dogs); and the freedom to indulge in our individual hobbies, sports or activities, and interests with encouragement.

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    1. Judy, love this story. Thank you for sharing. Yes, it is important when you share things that are important to both of you. I am pretty sure that your husband never lied to you about who he was before you married him, right? I had the bad luck of meeting some men who lied to me and I knew right away that they lied to me.

      Diana

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    2. Thanks, Diana!
      Wow! People do lie. I had one relationship that began with a lie and the lies continued until I finally broke away. I knew that was NOT what I wanted.

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    3. Yech! Relationship as a con job sounds like the worst to me.

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    4. Thanks, Judy! Glad that you broke away and found the right person.

      Diana

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    5. Thanks, Julia! Yech is exactly what I was thinking. Diana

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  6. How funny, Julia! The Girl has paired up with a guy I'd call her opposite. He's not as academic (not stupid, but not "top of the class" like her first boyfriend), he's quiet, not as prone to drama, and often takes some chivvying to get things done. He's also a great cook and likes to clean. They've been together for 3 years. He (and his family) adore her. She's pretty keen on him. We'll see.

    The Hubby and I are definitely opposites in some ways. I tell stories, he's "just the facts." He's unable to sit still for more than 30 minutes; I can chill for hours. I'm emotional, he's...not. Yet we'll celebrate 26 (sometimes bumpy) years on 8/17, so go figure.

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    1. Liz, the most important thing question is this: Is The Girl's guy a kind person? Is your Hubby a kind person?

      Diana

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    2. Very important question, Diana! When Ross and I were in marriage counseling (on and off for three years!) I learned being kind to one another was perhaps the most foundational act of a good relationship.

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    3. Diana & Julia: From what I've seen and heard of The Girl's guy, he's very kind. The Hubby can be kind - but he has his moments of cruelty. I suppose I do, too.

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    4. Julia, I liked what you said about being kind to one another. Diana

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    5. Liz, I get what you mean about "moments of cruelty". I learned to recognize the triggers that led to when I have moments like these. I do not always notice, though I try to stay aware.

      Diana

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  7. I think you're onto something, Julia. What a loss it would be, if all of us were in relationships with our carbon copies. That's no fun at all.

    Steve and I started out as opposites in so many ways. Over the last 45 years we have slowly rubbed the edges off and are now more alike than we ever were. But he is still the cautious one with money, and I am still the bold spender if I see a good reason to be. I would still prefer to go out with friends, but a lot less than I used to, while Steve would much rather eat a home. He isn't opposed to going out now and then these days, though. We have sure had some titanic fits about these two issues over time, both of us! By now, though, we both know all the arguments for and against. Marital shorthand takes over, and someone capitulates. LOL We also used to be on opposite sides of the political center, but these days we largely agree.

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    1. Karen, when I met Ross I was about as far to the left it's possible to be without attending Communist Party meetings, and he had been an intern for NCPAC, the National Conservative Political Action Committee! We moved closer to the center and actually swapped places for a while in the early nineties, when I registered as a Republican and he was a delegate for Jerry Brown, LOL

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  8. Jack & I were married after 21 days of knowing each other – for 45 years now. He was a blind date on a Monday in May in Montreal – he took a group of us out to see Blue Movies where the entry fee was a quart of Molson’s beer. (To be fair, he thought the movies were Charlie Chaplin, but Florence and I hated beer). I gave him a 4/10 on the social scale. Went out everyday until Sat. He tried to impress me with a motorbike (not!) I went home to Halifax where he visited me one day in July – we went to see the new Star Wars movie. I went to Quebec for a weekend in August, where we sat through a night of someone’s slide show of Australia (snooze fest). We went to Newfoundland in September where it rained for a week, was cold and we were living in a not-camper van, came home and told my parents we were getting married. Neither of us wanted to quit our job and move in with the other one, so we just got married. The biggest joke was he married me for my dowry – a new Ford van, a colour tv, and the Cutest Cat in the Whole Wide world. We never saw each other until the night before our wedding in November – in total 21 days. I went to see Star Wars again by myself, so I could design the dress that Princess Leia wore in the last scene as my wedding dress (cost $7), and we came down the aisle to the theme from the movie. My mother planned the wedding dance which we didn’t want – first dance – wait for it – Freddy Fender’s Wasted Days & Wasted Nights. We hate C&W!
    We had 7 pregnancies, 4 kids, lost a child and waited forever for the last one. We had 17 cats at one time, 2 dogs, a turtle, fish, a farm, and of course a raccoon that slept with the kids.
    So, are we matched – who knows? It just works.

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    1. Wow, Margo. What a story! When are you going to write the book, because I would read it.

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    2. Margo, that is the sweetest story!

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    3. Margo, that is an amazing story and I agree with Amanda - you need to expand it a lot! Also, I would kill to see a Princess Leia wedding dress. The Maine Millennial says she doesn't want a fancy dress whenever she gets married, but I bet I could sell her on that one!

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    4. That is an amazing story and I hope we hear more! Julia, I can hardly imagine Ross as not talkative and huggy

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  9. It's such an interesting topic. I'm an introvert, but am definitely attracted to extroverts--some of whom were definitely fairly selfish. My relationship with my son's dad was the longest I had and part of the reason it didn't work out was because we were too much alike: quiet, reserved, tending to ponder things and not make decisions and sometimes depressed.

    My parents' marriage is the connection I got to see up close for many years. They were definitely different personalities. My dad was the extrovert, the socializer, the one who was either happy or sad and whose mood affected the whole family. He was no good in a crisis. My mom was introverted, shy, but with a core of stubbornness. She would wear you down like water erodes a rock. She also had flashes of temper. In an emergency, she was great. She was the calm one who did what needed to be done. They made it work for more than 56 years until mom's death.

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    1. Gillian, it's that kind of couple - the ones that work together like cogs fitting what's missing to what's there - that can make the strongest team.

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  10. I was a seeker and a fixer. My straight marriage worked almost. save for that one small I prefer women issue. Post divorce I sought, oh my friends I sought, years of she is the right one, (except for this can be changed). Then when I was in my early 60's I met Beth. We did match, in humor, outlook, enough contrast to make it interesting, and like my first marriage we made each other laugh every day. So we became the 137 legal couple in Hillsborough county in 2012. And then..
    UPROAR! JEALOUSY! HOW COULD YOU!?!! all from her children. She left me for their sake. And I? Tobecompletelyhonest.. would have done the same. Unfair play but real life. I now am on the sidelines aware that lifetime commitment if it happens again most likely will be in the next lifetime.

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    1. How sad for both of you, Coralee.

      I wish families would keep their noses to themselves. If someone is happy --and it sounds as if you and Beth were -- that should be enough.

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    2. Oh, Coralee, that is heartbreaking. It also makes me mad at her children - you should be happy and grateful when your parent finds happiness, not pitching hissy fits. My Dad wasn't interested in dating again after Mom died, but we all assured him we'd support and encourage him if he wanted to find another relationship.

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  11. My husband and I had opposite personalities, me being introvert, he being very easygoing. He was part of group in which he played drums and animated the parties.
    I already wrote here that he help me explore zones I wouldn’t have and I helped him with the more practical things. In addition, what kept us together for 25 years was our shared values: family, love of nature, volunteering (need to help others).
    We were very happy but, at some point, it was not enough for him. It’s correct, we flourished together, we are still great friends.
    Danielle

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    1. Danielle, that sounds like a loving and healthy way to view the span of a marriage that has ended. A friend of mine who was married for twenty years said everything that happened in that relationship - travel, children, supporting each other in finding their work, etc. - made her who she is today, and she likes who she is today.

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  12. We wed 39 years ago next week with our friends and family wondering if we'd make 39 minutes/months/or days. Night and day. Ms. Independence/Mr. Traditional. Leave me alone with a good book, I'm allergic to exercise; Limited reading, but daily exercise - and twice on weekends. Neither of us could cook (and still can't), but we found the right balance. And as for the naysayers, some of them didn't.

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    1. Congratulations, Debra! Isn't all of marriage finding the right balance? :-)

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  13. Warren was a gregarious guy who loved the spotlight. I am a backstage woman who enjoys making life smooth for the talent. Warren loved country music, particularly Hank Williams. I, raised on classical music, thought Hank Williams was absurd. But we shared the important things like compassion, generosity, and an appreciation for people who could use their words well. We were perfect for each other.

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  14. I married the first man who didn't bore me to tears, a blabby theoretical physicist with a passion for opera and politics. After we had kids, he became a certified soccer coach and referee. Though our kitchen table was AP math and science exam central, our kids all ended up in the liberal arts...and they're all good writers!

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    1. You never can tell which way those genes will jump, Margaret!

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  15. True conversation:
    My sister: Jonathan is kind of a reluctant talker.
    Me: Yes, he says about 7 words for every 700 I say. Ha ha.
    Mom: Well, he probably says more of value in those 7 words than you do in your 700.

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    1. So funny, Hank. But it works, obviously!

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    2. Leave it to Mom to deflate the ego. Gee. In the meantime, you two fit ( and didn't he make lunch every day during the pandemic?;>)

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    3. I was thinking of you and Jonathan as one of those perfectly mismatched couples, Hank!

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    4. You all are so funny! And all absolutely right. oxooo

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  16. Fascinating stories here today. I think Val and I are opposites, though not in an extreme way: I tend towards being extrovert, while she is introverted. We both like ideas and conversation, good food and a good home. I've learned a lot from her about outdoor adventures. Hmmmm. Maybe not so different, after all...We mark 29 years together this fall.

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    1. Congratulations, Amanda! And I think after the first fifteen-twenty years, we all start pick up more and more traits from our partners. It's all that learning and growing we do while sharing what the other one likes!

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  17. Loving all these stories. Who knows what makes things work? Rick and I have been married 28 years but have known each other forever, almost literally. We were next door neighbors in our teens. Our first go-round, the age difference was a problem (I'm three years older.) I married someone else, which eventually didn't work, for lots of reasons, but we have a lovely daughter. Rick, round two, see 28 years above. I'm the quiet one at home, the opposite of Hank and Jonathan. I say 10 words for his 100. I read books, he does computer stuff. But he makes me laugh and he's honest, loyal, and dependable--the things that count.

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  18. I've always heard opposites attract....

    The important thing can be that the opposites compliment and mesh well. You don't want to be driving each other crazy, but hopefully the best parts of each other build each other up while the opposite strengths help make up for the partner's weaknesses.

    Then again, I'm the single guy. Maybe I shouldn't be offering any advice on this. :)

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    1. Mark, I agree. I think that when a couple can complement each other, then it can work. I also think that when two people are kind to each other, that helps.

      Diana

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    2. Mark, I never let my lack of personal experience stop me from offering my opinion :-D
      I think you've got it exactly - complementary strengths and compensatory weaknesses make for the strongest partnership. And that holds true for other types of partnerships as well, not just romantic!

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  19. Julia, sorry I am late to the party this morning! Such an interesting topic. I had been thinking about all of the boyfriends that I have had in my life. The best boyfriend I had was when I was 12 years old. He told me that I am beautiful. He spent a lot of time with me that summer. I do not know if he and I were opposites. When I met him, I remember that I was taking a peek at my Mom's romance novels and would read the books without anyone knowing. LOL. He was everything that I wanted in a boyfriend. Very cute and very kind. The boys in my classes the year before and the year after were harassing me. They wanted SEX and I was NOT ready! I was one of these girls who developed early. This summer boyfriend was great. He NEVER asked me to do that or anything that I did not want to do. Well, I just learned recently that my first boyfriend is Now Gay and in a gay marriage.

    I've never been married. I am Still Optimistic that I will find a great guy who is just right for me. When I remembered my first boyfriend, I was trying to figure out WHAT WORKED! I know that I had More self-confidence. I was embarking on a (what would become a very brief as in less than a year) modeling career because I wanted to be an actress. I never depended on him to make me happy. I was present in the moment. I felt empowered. I was also comfortable with who I was as a person. I also thought that I was going to be 6 feet tall when I stopped growing and to my surprise, by the time I was 17 years old, I realized that I was Never going to be tall like my parents (meningitis may have something to do with it).

    Regarding Personal Ads, it did not work for me. I was in a dark place at that time in my life and I would NOT have been a good match for anyone. I decided to try online Personal Ads because my friends would keep on matching me with men who were totally wrong for me. Reflecting on this, these friends could NOT see beyond my Deafness. All they could see was someone who was willing to learn Sign Language and make the effort to contact me OR someone who was also Deaf like me. There is a wide spectrum of deafness and they did not understand that. Since then I have met and made new friends.

    Honestly, I do not think my Deafness has a major impact on my finding the right man. Yes, it can be a barrier to communication. My first boyfriend could hear and we communicated fine. I know two hearing people who do NOT listen to each other and cannot communicate. Many people have told me that I am an excellent communicator. I worked so hard on communicating with people because several family members have short attention span (ADD) so I learned many techniques for communicating.

    Diana

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    1. Note that I did find the one late in life. It does happen. My sister said she would be married before she was 50. She was 49 years and five months and married him. Almost 30 years later they are still together.

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    2. Diana, a friend's daughter met the love of her life when she was 35. Matt was born deaf, but he speaks well, and can read lips in three languages: English, French, and Italian. They've now lived together for four years, and just bought a house together.

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    3. Chiming in with another later in life love story - a friend who had a short and dreadful marriage, followed by decades of being single found the most wonderful man when she was in her early sixties. And they met - drumroll - through a dating app.
      As for communication, when my friend Jessica Ellicott met her husband, she spoke no Portugese and he spoke no English. Neither of them was proficient when they married a year later, but since they're coming up on their 30th anniversary, they obviously worked it out.

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    4. Coralee, thank you. If Gloria Steinem can get married at 70, then there is hope for me, right?

      Diana

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    5. Karen in Ohio, that is a lovely story. I remember that you have mentioned this Deaf man before. Happy to hear that Matt can speak well and read lips. I have a friend who was born deaf. Matt sounds a lot like my friend. My friend was born deaf. She started wearing hearing aids the moment her family discovered her hearing loss (before she was a year old). Every morning BEFORE school, she would have voice lessons (speech therapy and auditory verbal lessons).
      She worked so hard that when people meet her, no one can tell that she has a hearing loss.
      She told me that was her life growing up - listening and speaking lessons for an hour EVERY morning from age 1? until she went away to college. The main point here is that it is A LOT OF WORK. When I met her, she signed to me. I met her through my boyfriend (now former boyfriend) who knew her at University. Some people say that I can read lips. I quickly figured out that was their polite way of saying "I do not want to learn Sign Language".
      LOL. Sometimes that is true. Some people speak clearly. Some people mumble. I was speaking at 6 months old and by the time I lost my hearing, I was speaking in complete sentences. I was walking. When I came home from the hospital after a 7 week stay (meningitis), I had to learn how to walk again. I learned sign language with my parents. I grew up speaking, reading lips AND signing. Sorry this is so long!

      Diana

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    6. Julia, I love these late in life stories. If I can hold on to that memory of my confident self when I met my first boyfriend, then I think that my chances are pretty good. I already noticed a change in myself recently. I am more comfortable with myself. I feel like that character from Hans Christian Andersen's the Snow Queen. Your story about Jessica reminded me of a story. It is funny now. But at that time, I did not know what to think. Several years ago, I was invited to join friends at the opera. My new friend was hosting a table. She thought it would be funny to match me with this man from France because he did not speak English. The Frenchman and I tried to have a conversation and he was more auditory than visual. He did not understand my signing either. I think he was also interested in the hostess so I never had a chance. Now I can laugh about it. I ended up talking to a good friend and her husband, She knew me for many years because we were introduced by a mutual friend (they worked together).

      Diana

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  20. I met Frank on a blind date our freshman year of college. We dated off and on, had ups and downs, and married five years after we met. He is a social butterfly, talkative, outgoing. I'm .....not. But we both have our senses of humor which I think is vital to relationships. We both have what we call the responsibility gene (which can be a real bummer). Despite our differences we've managed to stay friends and married all these years, which will be 50 on August 26. The question is, will he come to Virginia for the occasion or stay in Texas, tending to the business of selling our house? Stay tuned!

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    1. Pat, in my opinion, it's a sign of a healthy partnership indeed when you can debate coming or not for your fiftieth wedding anniversary! Of course, I was always the surprisingly practical one, and can see myself urging Ross, under those circumstances, to just get the house sold. I always insisted on going out for Valentines Day a week after, because why fight the crowds and the inflated prices?

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  21. Julia, I'm still trying to deal with the fact that your parents got married the same year I did, only three months before I did. I, of course, knew you were younger than I am, but that you could be my daughter rather blows me away. I got married when I was 22 and will be married 46 years in October. My husband and I were pretty opposite when we got married. I was much more outgoing than he was. What's funny is that now he's become more social than I am. I attribute part of that to Covid and me getting out of my groove of any socializing. But, our interests are largely different, with so much of my time spent reading and reviewing and his time spent more outdoors. Yet, somehow we're still here together after 45, almost 46, years. Our children and granddaughter bring us on the same page always, and we share a love of historical places, too. Oh, and we do both dote on our rescue Brittany Spaniel. Having a dog together is a great bond. (Wait, that should have been having kids together is a great bond. Hahaha!)

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    1. Kathy - I'm not that young! I was 14 when they got married; Mom came with three kids and dad came with eight. They really appreciated that empty nest period after the last of us left, because they started out as newlyweds with more than a full house!

      I hear you about the having a dog together. My folks doted excessively on their cat. We used to remark, when visiting, that the cat was coddled a lot more than the kids had been!

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    2. Well, I feel a bit better knowing that you were 14 when they married. That was some full house with eleven kids! They were quite brave.

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  22. The day after we met, I took my very Irish Catholic buddy to my parents' home for Shabbat dinner, just to feed him. Because of a series of missed taxis and buses, he wound up staying overnight (in the den, not with me). I don't think either of us ever had so much fun with anyone else as we had with each other, starting that weekend. We spent the next half century on again, off again-- at times in daily, extensive contact, once apart and totally out of touch for nearly eight years. Long distance phone calls and e-mails were designed for us (or us for them). We functioned best halfway around the globe from each other. Yet for most of our lives, the other was in the background, a touchstone, a reference point. We would come back together, and it would be like there had been no hiatus.

    This is the man who once sent me a telegram to win an argument. He sent me a bejeweled brooch as my "Christmas present" (the only Christmas gift he ever gave me) after I told him I wouldn't marry him. We talked over each other, amused each other infinitely, scared the s--t out of each other, and valued each other to no end.

    And then he picked a fight with me when he was dying so I wouldn't find out until after he was gone. There is no word for what we were, and now that he is ashes scattered in an orchard, there is no word for what I am except, perhaps, bereft.

    I wouldn't have been me if we had actually been together; he wouldn't have been him. And yet I wouldn't have been me had we not been so much a part of each other's lives. I sometimes hear his phrasing come out of my mouth. We couldn't have been more deeply connected-- or, to an outside observer, less so. What does a small-town Jewish girl from the midwest have in common with a British colonial preppy, other than our Ivy educations, our shared years in law school, and in the end, a whole lot of love? Damned if I know. Damned if I ever did.

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  23. My husband and I worked at the same university for decades, most of which he spent in the Athletic Dept, while I was in the English Dept. We had a lot of laughs about people who knew us both for years before realizing we were a couple (“Wait! You’re married to …!”) in spite of the fact that we share a fairly unusual last name. A couple of times this was even followed by, “But what do you have in common?!”

    And all three of our offspring made matches with wonderful, perfect partners I NEVER would have foreseen. Thank goodness I never considered arranging marriages for them! Interestingly, one of those matches did originate online. I have no idea how that came about, but I’m glad it did.

    Thanks for posing a great question, Julia!

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  24. I love this post so much. Yes, Hub and I are complete opposites in personality but totally compatible in every other way. Weird.

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