Thursday, September 8, 2022

Things We Have Lost


RHYS BOWEN:  My son-in-law whistles. You can always hear him coming because of his whistle. It’s quite tuneful and he whistles all sorts of different music from country to show tunes. John used to complain about it, so one Christmas son-in-law Tom made a CD called The Royal Family Whistles the Classics. The numbers ranged from “I’m Dreaming of a Different Son-In-Law” to “Son-In-Law is Coming Into Town.”  Highly amusing!  And the cover was a photo of the royal family with Tom photo shopped in.  He’s a great guy.


I was just thinking about this as we went through CDs the other day because whistling is something you don’t hear any more. My father was another man who whistled as he walked. You could always hear him coming up the path because of his whistle. It was always men, wasn’t it? You never heard a woman walking around whistling. Was it mainly a British thing? How many old books does one read in which the butcher’s boy comes up the path, whistling a merry tune? Does the Instacart person ever whistle a merry tune?  I don’t think so. So whistling is one of the things we have lost as a society. How many of you actually know how to whistle? I can still do it, but I don’t.

Another thing that has been lost is the art of conversation. Do you know that teenagers don’t call to chat on the phone any more? They text in abbreviated little non-sentences. U OK? And the reply is a sad-faced imoji.  My twin grandchildren have just been introduced to their college room mates. They have never actually spoken to them but have communicated in a series of texts.  Our own conversations are usually limited to emails.  How seldom do we sit down with a friend and a glass of wine and exchange views?  I was reminded of this because my brother in Australia Facetimed me yesterday and we spoke for an hour and a half. So satisfying!

So do you think the art of conversation may be lost forever? I always wished I could have been a member of the Algonquin Round Table and could join in the witty repartee that went on there. How often do we have witty repartee? The closest is right here, with the discussion among Jungle Reds. Even when we meet fellow writers I don’t think we often sit and discuss our craft in depth. More often it’s a whine about the flight and the airport, or about our publisher or a bad review.

I suppose this is tied to the other thing we have lost: time. In my grandmother’s day there were long evenings during which people had to amuse themselves because there was no TV or radio. They played the piano, recited poetry or just discussed things. They read. They had large vocabularies. You’d never have heard my grandmother using filler words like “like” or “you know.”  Now we are always in a rush.  And at the present I spend so much time in Zoom interviews that I really don’t want to talk much when they are over.

Another thing we have lost is civility. If you are only doing the speed limit cars swoop around, angry at being kept waiting. People let doors swing in your face. Steal parking spaces you are clearly waiting for. How rare to have someone who serves you with a greeting and a smile? When it happens I treasure it.  I try to keep up my own little civility. At a stop sign I will wave the other car ahead with a smile. Sometimes it generates a smile back.

So what do you do to create a kinder, gentler world? And can you whistle?

55 comments:

  1. I think the world needs a whole lot of kinder, gentler . . . sad to say, but people often seem surprised when I say, “Thank you” or just “Have a nice day.” But I keep on keeping on because courtesy and kindness matter . . . . [And, no, I cannot whistle.]

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  2. That comment about the waving the car ahead resonated with me. I do that whenever I can. As a relatively new driver (finally got my driver's license in 2006), I am always conscious of the rules of driving. When I drive, I cannot talk at all. If someone wants to talk, I pull over and park, which is what people do when they need to make a call on the mobile phone.

    The art of civility still exists in some places. A new friend made an interesting comment about my writing in our email correspondence. He said that my writing was almost like poetry. I never say U in my texts. My Mom is one of the few in her generation to communicate via texts on the mobile because that is how she keeps in touch with her deaf daughter (me).

    Always try to create a kinder, gentler world by being kind to people. I always say "thank you". I remember once I was at the library and a librarian was surprised when I said thank you. I remember that Princess Diana believed in random acts of kindness. The act of being kind is priceless. I agree with Joan that the world needs more kindness and gentleness. I noticed that in some places like England and Scotland, people often are very kind. I remember a friend who worked at Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia was telling me that she felt that people in Virginia were kinder and gentler.

    Interesting remark about whistling. My father said that when I was a baby BEFORE I lost my hearing, I was able to whistle. He said that I would listen to him whistling then I would whistle. Once I lost my hearing, I was still talking though less and less. I was reading lips and no one noticed at first. I will need to see if I can whistle now that I have been wearing my cochlear implants for a while now. Never thought about boys whistling and girls not whistling. Is whistling also a social class thing? I wondered because my father, who grew up in poverty, whistled. No idea if my maternal grandfather, who grew up in a middle class family and became a prominent attorney, was a whistler.

    Diana

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  3. My dad could whistle tunefully. I can whistle, but whether or not anyone else could recognize the tune, well, I have no idea. I whistle for my own amusement.

    Women didn't whistle in public for the same reason women didn't smoke on the streets, it wasn't considered proper. Phooey, on that.

    I wish there was more propriety, though. I just got on the flight to Minneapolis, and at 5 AM people are dressed as if they're still in their bedroom. Geez.

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    1. Don't get me started on how people dress in public! Also, excited to see you again today, Karen!

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    2. My dad whistled a lot. Loudest whistler ever. 💕

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    3. When I was a teen,a friend’s mother who whistled often would say, “A whistling woman and a crowing hen both will come to a no good end.” Elisabeth

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  4. I try to foster positivity around me and I hope it resonates with everyone. I used to be able to whistle.

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  5. You are as you write Rhys - The characters in your standalone and series books are civil and polite and gracious people.

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    1. Agreed that Rhys' novels have civilized, gracious and polite people. Diana

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  6. I used to whistle, mostly just to call the dogs. I still can but after my jaw operation I never regained the dexterity from before as I lost some feeling permanently.

    As for civility, well, sometimes it takes effort. Case in point, about a week ago I began to receive the most ridiculous texts from Republican fundraisers. Nauseating! Irwin suggested I respond glibly but I told him that I feared they'd target me if I sent back the responses that come to mind. I told him that I am just blocking the numbers. However, yesterday the temptation to be unkind was too strong and I did reply that the Senator who was down in the polls was a slime ball before I blocked that number, too.

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  7. I still whistle, always have. Not loudly, because I find it can get a little obnoxious when others do (I guess I'm with your John in that regard). And we're already doing a lot of talking here at Bouchercon, including craft last night at the bar!

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    1. I meant to add that I have encountered a bunch of really kind, thoughtful, helpful people in public in Minneapolis already. Midwestern politeness? Maybe. But I made sure to thank them and got a big smile back in return. "Seeing" and acknowledging kind strangers is so important.

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  8. the story about the whistling is hysterical Rhys! The Royal Family Whistles the Classics??? so very funny. I cannot whistle at all, though my dad was a great whistler. I never found it a bit annoying!

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  9. Yes, I whistle, though usually for the dogs. I never mastered the two-fingers in mouth "round up" kind of whistle. And yes, during the pandemic I learned to slow down and appreciate ordinary daily conversations (masked, socially distanced, outside) with neighbors and fellow dog-walkers.

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  10. Such a funny story about your whistling son-in-law. You're right, whistling isn't a thing any more. I tried to whistle when I was young, but was about as successful staying on tune as I am when singing. I was just listening to Gordon Lightfoot's first album (from 1966), because I love his young sweet voice, but he also whistles on a couple of the songs. Lovely!

    I try to be kind in daily interactions, say yes when I can, talk to store employees and waiters. Yesterday I held the library door for a guy walking with a cane, who then opened the inner door for me. Conversation is still a big part of my life, although I don't like talking on the phone. The first Easter after my parents died, we invited a few extra friends--and sat talking for 5 hours after eating!

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  11. I don't know about whistling but what about the harmonica? I never hear that anymore. My grandfather was great at it and could easily be coaxed to play some tunes. My son sort of taught himself but I wonder if the art has gone the way of the whistle, something I have never been able to do.

    What is it with young people who act as if they are allergic to actual speaking, you know, out loud, to someone else, like their grandmother for instance? I hate being typed at! But I suppose if that is my only option, I have to accept it, which makes me very sad.

    As far as kindness and civility goes, that is the norm for me. I am finding that a smile and kind gesture and word gets the same returned. But I have seen some downright rudeness from people, mostly men which is odd, who must have been raised to be a-holes. In those cases, I just think to myself how proud their mothers must be.

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  12. Hmm, I don't whistle. And I agree that civility in daily interactions is mostly gone.
    I hold the door open for anyone young or old, and they look surprised!

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  13. We had an evening custodian at the school where I worked who whistled. He was Laotian. I missed him when he changed schools.

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  14. Yes, I can whistle but not whistle well. I was always jealous of those who could do that loud whistle either by rolling up their tongue, (can’t roll my tongue – that is just weird) or using two fingers (I would gag!). My father whistled while he concentrated.
    As for communication, and days gone by, I am always stunned by people in earlier times reading by candlelight – how do they see? My vision is just not that good. Don’t their eyeballs feel like they are going to fall out from the strain?
    I relish our time together, where we are content to not talk to/with each other. There is a comfort in being able to sit on Geriatric Row side by each, and just watch and mellow with no strain of having to keep up a conversation. Our evenings are perfect just sitting together in 2 armchairs with a cat or two on each lap watching telly, with the occasional grunt or comment, or even a snore!

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    1. Margo, if you can't roll your tongue, it's because there's a gene that determines whether you can or not.

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    2. It's still weird.
      May peace be with the Queen, as her family rallies round.

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  15. Oh, Rhys, I fear you are right. ANd hope you are having a wonderfully civilized time inthe UK! eager to hear all about it. Nice things? Well, I thank people. And they re always surprised. And then I am sad that they are surprised. (Whistling? Nope, not at all. And it's a skill i can happily do without. :-))

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  16. Rhys, your son-in-law Tom is my kind of people! I can whistle, youngest nephew has finally managed a sort of whistle at 24. Civility--I remind myself constantly to look people in the eye when I thank them or wish them a good day--such a small gesture, a small interaction, but people respond positively to being seen.

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  17. I've never been able to whistle.

    The Boy, 20, is on the phone and Facetime often with his friends. The Girl doesn't like the phone (neither does her father), but she loves kicking back with a cup of coffee and discussing the state of the world in person. So I don't think we've lost the art of conversation as much as it has evolved.

    But I swear, we have lost any sort of sense. I had a very frustrating set of phone calls the other day in which one person from Enterprise wanted to send me to collections over a past-due amount of $108 and another person, not twenty minutes later, told me, "Uh, you don't owe us anything." Seriously??? The Girl took her car in for work at the dealership and called for an update. They said, "Uh, we don't have any work orders for you. We might have sent it out." You might? You mean you don't know what happened to a CAR?

    Facepalm.

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    1. Liz, don't get me started down that path this morning! Or you show up for an appointment only to be told that you were scheduled two hours earlier or two weeks later and you have a text or card that shows the exact day and time that you walked in the door. If people would spend less time on their phones and more doing their jobs, some common sense might return. Just my curmudgeonly opinion.

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  18. I can't whistle. Also can't snap my fingers. Don't miss doing either, although one of my friends from law school has the ability to shut down all conversation in a crowded gathering with a shrill whistle that sounds more like a shreik-- a useful talent!

    Halfway the members of my family inherited our grandmother's beautiful singing voice. The rest of us, alas, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket (one cousin says she was the only person in history asked to unjoin the 3rd grade chorus), although I can play the piano by ear, so I can HEAR melodies and hafmonies, I judt can't

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  19. Whistling, Communications and Civility - an interesting mix. Both Victor and I whistle. I do it to music as I'm driving. Victor had a repertoire but age has taken his lovely whistle, but hum the Keel Row and we are away. Am American friend when I was still a newbie in the USA once told me, on hearing my reminding my toddler to say thank you. "You can't remind her every time", well as I was still a polite Brit at that point, I didn't come back with, "Yes, I can". But I did and my grandsons too. It is delightful to be told by other parents that ones child is most polite, particularly as she and I worked on the boys with the same outcome. I will talk on the phone for hours if invited. - Celia

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    1. If you want polite children who say "please " and "thank you" you must model it because telling kids to do something doesn't always work. Mine said it because I said it to him. All. The. Time.

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    2. This reminds me of a story when I was about 6 years old. I was at the club that my family belonged to. I was swimming when I started yelling. Remember that I am deaf. My Mom explained to me why it is not a good idea to yell. She explained to me that yelling HURTS other people's ears. That was when it dawned on me that hearing people are different from deaf people. To me, when I saw people yelling, I laughed because it looked like they were making funny faces. But to someone who can hear, yelling can hurt ears And feelings. After that I was always conscious about not yelling unless it was an emergency like when a dangerous person surprised me. That person was standing to my right and I was looking at the left when I turned to the right/1. Yikes! Luckily, the police took away the dangerous person and Yes, my yelling HURT that dangerous person's hearing. LOL

      Diana

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  20. reproduce them (unlike one of my sisters, who can't hear clashing chords; the resulting cacaphony when she plays the piano drives me nuts!)

    That said, I abhor whistling and humming and any infliction of other prople's usic" that intrudes on my ambient consciousness. I don't dream, but often wake up with an "earworm," different every day, which often governs my mood and my writings. I don't like other people's "music" colliding with mine. There is a music to language and its use; i don't intrude on yours, so please don't intrude on mine.

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  21. Sorry-- my comment is in two parts, thanks to using the phone. Alas, couldn't finish fast enough, so they surround Celia's-- but it's a subject I feel strongly about.

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    1. I so agree with you on others inflicting their noise in an inappropriate manner and places in the world. I have extra hearing at both the upper and lower ranges, so any extra noise is unwelcome. I am musical and sing in tune, any voice that is not in tune is actually painful to my ears. I enjoy quiet, there is too much noise in the world. I wear ear plugs a lot!

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  22. Remembering how when the "kids" were on the phone what seemed like 24/7 we bemoaned the lack of letter writing/reading... now writing (of a sort) is all they do. And I do think there's an art to texting/conversation as much as there's an art to face-to-face.

    I can muster a feeble whistle, but my granddaughter Franny is a virtuoso whistler. And to make the world a better place, now that we're unmasked more of the time, greet the world with a smile. It really does work.

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    1. Franny must have excellent hearing to be able to be viruoso whistler. Some people have a good ear for music. Even some hearing people can be "tone deaf" and not be able to distinguish the differences between music.

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  23. I volunteer in a resale store on weekends. It’s a very busy place! I’m always in conversation with costumers. I almost always initiate the conversation but it’s rare if someone does not at least smile and respond to whatever I have said. I wonder if people are hesitant to initiate a greeting or conversation. My experience is that complete strangers appear to be happy someone has a knowledge them with a simple “hi, how are you doing today?”. The art of conversation is a practiced skill. Strangely I would identify myself as an introvert but I do find speaking to strangers uplifting.

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    1. Agreed that the art of conversation is a practiced skill. I remember when the current Queen was a very shy child, her mother Queen Elizabeth the future Queen Mother would practice with her daughter to help her overcome her skyness. By that time the family knew that she was going to be the heiress to the throne.

      Wondering if the person who did not smile nor respond may have been deaf and was too embarrassed to tell you that they cannot hear? I was travelling with a tour group in Europe several years ago. Several people complained about this "snob" and her family. I had my cochlear implants so I could hear and read lips. The next day I was surprised when the "snob" initiate a conversation with me. She told me that she always had hearing problems her whole life and so did her mother. She said she and her mother Never learned Sign Language. She was very proud that her daughter went to college on a basketball scholarship. I got the impression that it was important to her that she looked STRONG and she did not want people to know about her hearing struggles. Later I had a conversation with the few who complained about the "snob" and I explained about the hearing loss. They were Shocked because they never knew that she had hearing problems. It is true that lady was not friendly. I think it has a lot to do with how deaf people are treated. I have always tried to push myself out of my introverted status by being friendly to everyone.

      My family never treated me differently because of my deafness. Like other children, especially children who can hear, I always went to see the Nutcracker ballet with my family. We often went out in public. Some deaf children's families Never took their deaf children out in public because they were "ashamed". I do not know about Deaf families.

      Diana

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  24. I’ve never been able to whistle. As a child, I tried and tried when my friends were all starting to whistle, but I could never do it.

    The father of my childhood best friend had a loud and distinctive whistle. When it was time for the kids to come inside he would go outside and whistle for them. His whistle could be heard all through the neighborhood.

    DebRo

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  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. It has been a year since her beloved husband Prince Philip died and I was not sure if the Queen would live to see her 100th birthday. I was worried that the new Prime Minister may have Covid and was not wearing a mask when she met the Queen at Balmoral.

      Diana

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    2. The passing of an icon. She knew 14 presidents, 15 prime ministers, and 7 popes.

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  26. I must cite one exception to your observations about whistling: my mother-in-law, still with us at 94, is an inveterate whistler! She always whistled a tune as she went about her housework or food prep. She is in assisted living now, but I'll bet they still hear her tunes sometimes.

    I, too, lament the loss of both civility and conversation. Fortunately my husband is a gregarious conversationalist, so in his company I often get to enjoy lovely conversations with strangers.

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  27. Ah, civility! Your post reminded me of a conversation I had with the college roommate of a friend and his wife. They spent their working lives in the 5 boroughs of NYC, so when it came time to retire, they wanted a kinder, gentler atmosphere. They shopped retirement places, and finally settled on a smallish town in New Hampshire. Their tests included: stopping in traffic at a light that was green. They timed how long it took for someone behind them to honk. They also went into a large national discount department store, the clothing department, to see how many articles had been strewn on the floor by other shoppers. I thought that these were pretty good tests.

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  28. Lovely post, Rhys. Your son-in-law is a hoot! I can't whistle, or snap my fingers. Or blow bubbles (that one I don't regret.) I don't remember my dad whistling, but he sang all the time. Rick sings, too.

    I have so missed long in-person conversations with friends the last couple of years. And there is nothing I love more than sitting down for a long chat with my daughter. Who, by the way, not only says please and thank you, but also "Yes, ma'am." Same with my son-in-law. I smile at people in public, open doors, etc., but it's nice to be reminded that one can always do more.

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  29. I enjoy giving small driving courtesies - making space for a car to merge or exit a parking lot, waving my thanks when someone does that or me. And people smile or nod. I thank the Fed Ex driver as he bolts back to his truck to meet his stress-making schedule, and ask after the daughter of the store clerk I met once. Such small things, but civility is the glue that holds societies together.

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    1. SO wise! Love that..you are so thoughtful to let people in--It makes such a difference!

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  30. I am with you. I realize I am getting nasty and impatient, but I am tired of dealing with all the rude people around me. My condo neighbors just don't think about how their actions impact anyone around them. And when you point it out and ask polity that they stop, they act like you are the jerk for even thinking they need to change.

    I don't know how we get back to a kinder society, but I want it.

    My question is, was society really kinder back then? Or are we viewing it with rose colored glasses?

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  31. I have a comment that will be unpopular, but speaking of civility we have a couple of people that don’t understand what an appropriate comment is and have no understanding of context. Please before you comment, is it relevant, and does it encourage the conversation, This is not a forum for other’s causes, only the Jungle Red Authors. Please consider before you comment. A couple of you seem to be unaware of basic civility in written conversation, Your self discoveries, are obvious to the rest of us and your attempt to monopolize the conversation is inappropriate and rude!

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  32. I can whistle, although I opt not to. I hadn't realized until your blog how rare it is to hear a whistler these days. Could it be because modern tunes don't lend themselves to a whistle?

    It would be lovely to return to common kindness and courtesies. It seems the world moves too fast for those qualities to make a large scale comeback, but in smaller communities, there seems to be more of a sense of compassion and kindness is more common than not.

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  33. This is Kathy Boone Reel. The powers that control comment button won't let me change from Anonymous to my name.

    Oh, Rhys, how appropriate that you have a picture of the Queen and her family on here today. I just heard a short bit ago that Queen Elizabeth II has died. So, so sad and a monumental loss to England and the world. It's hard to think of much else right now.

    I will go ahead and comment on the topic today, even though my mind is on the Queen. Whistling isn't something I've really thought about losing, but it's true. Whistling does seem to be in scarce supply these days. And, I'd not thought about men being the majority of whistlers, but they were. Except, as a kid I can remember liking to whistle. One of those times was rather a negative experience, but I don't think it scarred me much. I was probably seven or under years of age and riding in the back seat of the car with my parents in the front. I had been happily whistling along while we drove to or from wherever we'd gone, and, finally, my father turned around to me and told me to stop that whistling. Then I was surprised and somewhat crushed, but I've since, especially after having my own children, that a sound like that over and over again could get on someone's nerves. I seem to have lost my ability to whistle much, as even when I try to whistle for the dog, it's a weak result.

    Conversation is indeed in danger of extinction. I think it will take a conscious effort on our parts to keep it going. I am glad that there are still a few people at least that I talk to regularly on the phone. And, my thirteen-year-old granddaughter and I talk, which is very dear to me. I can also talk or long periods to my daughter and son, and that is so important. Last night my husband and I went to dinner with my daughter, her husband, and my granddaughter. It was so much fun, and it was because we talked and talked and laughed and laughed. I'm not a fan of texting. I do it, but I prefer real conversations. Back again to my granddaughter who just turned thirteen. I am so happy that she and he friends talk and still plan out games and such together. She has several friends with whom they make up plays, and their discussion and planning is wonderful to see.

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