RHYS BOWEN: Hello friends. Please raise a glass with me to drink a toast to Mrs. Endicott! She is a woman who has been ignored and unappreciated for all of her married life. She has lived HIS life. And when she is cast aside in favor of a younger woman she does not go quietly. Instead she escapes with two other women whom society has ignored, in her husband's Bentley to the south of France and finds a whole new and exciting life there.
I hope this book will be encouragement to all middle-aged women who think that life has passed them by. You are never too old for adventures, new challenges, a new life. My daughter's close friend went to medical school at 55. My own daughter became a psycho-therapist after she turned 50.
But this story has me thinking about invisible women. After a certain age women become invisible. That's why Miss Marple is such a good sleuth. She sits doing her knitting, observing everything, overhearing everything and nobody knows she is there!
It can be bloody annoying at times. I have certainly experienced it myself. I was waiting in line at a car rental counter. A man in front of me and one behind me. The first man was being served. Another employee came on and said to the man behind me, "Can I help you, sir?"
I (being me) spoke up, "Is a woman not allowed to rent a car in this state? I wasn't aware of such a rule."
She said hastily, 'I'm sorry madam. I thought you were with that gentleman."
That's always it. They think you should only be out in the presence of a male protector. How archaic. When I'm on book tour I have to eat in hotels a lot. So either I can order room service and get cold meals and a limited menu or I can face the restaurant. When I appear they aask, "Are you waiting for somebody?" And when I say no, a table for one, they escort me to a table in a far corner, behind the potted palm and usually close to the loo. I have learned to counter this. As we cross the dining room I say,"I'd prefer to sit near the window, thank you" and take a prime location. I then ask for the wine list and order an expensive wine that I know they can't pronounce. "I'd like the Schattsheimer-Gewurztrauminer, please."
They then know that they can't ignore me.
And when it's not being ignored it's being patronized. They call you dear with a silly smile on their faces. "What medications are you taking, dear?" at the doctor's office, as if I've suddenly become simple in the head. I had one young medical person suggest I give up typing and take up another hobby if it was affecting my neck and shoulders.
"Would you give up typing if you sold a million copies?" I asked sweetly. Small victories.
And so the fight goes on. For my three women in the book they do establish themselves in a place where they become a respected part of the community. When they are given the chance they blossom. For the rest of us the struggle continues.
I know this is resonating with a lot of our Reddies. Have you had to endure similar patronizing put downs? What do you do about it? A signed copy of the new book to my favorite comment!
And for friends in the Bay Area, I'll be hosting a launch party at Book Passage in Corte Madera on Saturday August 9, at 4 pm. See you there!
Happy Book Birthday, Rhys . . . I'm looking forward to reading this book and meeting Mrs. Endicott . . .
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in a position to personally experience "invisible woman syndrome" but if I were on the receiving end of such treatment, I hope I would be brave enough to follow your example to speak up and refuse to be overlooked or ignored . . . .
ThanksJoan!
DeleteRhys, Happy Book Birthday! I've been in that situation and I sit, observe and wait for the time when they will hear from me and sometimes it's not nice.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Dru
DeleteRHYS: Happy book birthday!
ReplyDeleteNo, I have not really experienced "invisible women syndrome".
Instead, I have received a few remarks about how young I am at the doctor's office:
You're young to have had cataract surgery (at 55).
Or being called too young to be a retiree after a 27-year career with the Canadian federal government. Getting a pension in your fifties is NOT unusual in the public service if you start working at age 19 like I did.
Thank you, Grace ! Being called too young is a new one ! But you do look young and healthy so they are surprised!
DeleteBravo for you and for your fictional women, Rhys! I can't wait to pick up my copy of the new book and dive in.
ReplyDeleteI've been in that invisible situation. Being called "dear" by medical people, definitely, and never being asked in recent years what I do for work. When I was younger and working as a mechanic, men in the auto parts store would help all the men waiting before they'd help me. And so on.
I haven't sold a million copies (yet), but launching a new and successful career when I turned sixty has been hugely affirming.
I might add that even as a young girl, I was assertive about my rights - that hasn't changed.
DeleteA woman in a man’s world is yet another topic Edith. My granddaughter was one of the few females in a programming class. The boys teased and sniggered until she finished her coding first
DeleteHappy book birthday. This book sounds like a grand adventure and I can't wait to read it. As a single person, I'm often get overlooked at restaurants, need to find someone to refill my glass. Of course reading a book at a restaurant might be the reason why they're ignoring me but it's no excuse. As a person sitting single in a restaurant, I usually get put at the smaller table, or worse, a booth and I just don't fit in those booths very well. It's confining. And as any one noticed that the bench in many booths are lower than chairs? I'm average height but sitting in a booth of makes me feel so short, with the table practically under my chin. I usually ask a table instead of the booth and they accommodate me.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Many booths are too low to be comfortable
DeleteCongratulations Rhys! I loved the story of Mrs. Endicott and can't wait to see the billboard in NYC. You are our role model! xox
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lucy!!!
DeleteHappy Book Birthday, Rhys! My copy downloaded at midnight, but so did the audiobook! Yippee! I have been excited about this story since you first told us the premise.
ReplyDeleteI am no shrinking violet. If it is important, I speak up. They don't call me "dear" at the doctor's office. You must just appear sweeter than I do.
Thank you, Judy! I’m
DeleteNot sure I come across as sweet. It’s always the assistants / nurses who speak with that patronizing tone.
Congratulations. Mrs. Endicott soundgreat. I'm eager to follow her adventures.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I've experienced the invisible woman syndrome. And now that I'm older I even get preferencial treatment - I sometimes use a cane for balance. It's pretty much a Portuguese policy. Both clerks and other people in line indicate I should go first. It's really quite nice.
I think it's because this is such a family centred culture. They are extremely attached not just to their parents, but their grandparents as well. I think they look at me as someone's grandmother. 🙂
And they love babies, too! When I was there almost forty years ago with my five month-old son, even the banker in suit and tie beamed and admired him, and at a restaurant they whisked him away to the kitchen so we could eat as adults.
DeleteYou are so right, Edith. Everyone absolutely dotes on babies, and older children, too. It's lovely to see.
DeleteI’ve definitely seen that people in some European countries respect age. That’s lovely to experience
DeleteRhys, I so agree. Elizabeth
DeleteLovely interview with Barbara on The Poisoned Pen Facebook live last night, Rhys.
ReplyDeleteFor many years I have been so-and-so’s wife or so-and-so’s mom without seeming to be a person with her own name and identity. It didn’t bother me all that much. Lately I’ve been in places where they do try to wait on me separately from my husband and I say no, I am with him. So maybe people in the service industry are becoming more aware of women by themselves.
Thank you, Brenda. I do think people are more aware these days
DeleteIt drives me absolutely bonkers anytime I get a card in the mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Michael ---" or "Mrs. Michael ---" Still happens with a few older family members (women usually who identified themselves and others by their marital status and husband's name)! It's like I don't exist as my own person, like I don't have a name of my own, and exist only as thing hanging off of my husband's arm. As a strong-willed, feminist, admittedly opinionated, Gen Xer, I don't handle that very well.
DeleteReally looking forward to sharing Mrs. Endicott's adventures, Rhys! Congratulations to our not-a-shrinking-violet friend!
ReplyDeleteThe first time I experienced the invisible woman thing I was the (by far) youngest in a group of 8 women traveling in France and Italy. But none of those women were intimidated by people trying to pass them over, which taught me something valuable. Speak up, and be assertive, by golly. That was not always easy for me to do, so it was good to have role models.
I just bought a new car, after getting a tankful of bad gas tanked the engine in my old one. I'd been thinking about getting one for awhile, since the newer cars all have the very helpful lane assist features that help overcome my limited peripheral vision. There are more than a dozen dealerships within five miles of our house, so I was taking my time, visiting showrooms and test driving cars since the first of the year. In the past I had been told to bring my husband before salesmen (always men) would even talk to me, but this time I only had one experience with rude salesmen. I walked into a showroom and had to interrupt three guys sitting and looking at phones before they even looked at me. I had to get really strident to request a test drive of the car I'd already picked out online, and even then the sales guy was very offputtingly dismissive. They had no way of knowing that we have bought eight cars from that dealership through the years, but they lost my business forever.
The young guy who sold me the car I bought was respectful, and kind, and attentive, making sure I had cold water on a hot day while I waited for the manager, etc. And he has called me to see how I was doing with learning the very complicated systems in the new car (it's practically a rolling computer!). HE will be seeing me again.
I do believe the new generation of car salesmen are getting better, Karen. My last two experiences were smooth. Perhaps they now realize women might be making decisions and paying !
DeleteWhen I had to buy a new car last year, the young salesman was extremely helpful. He even purchased one of my books for his grandmother for Christmas! You can bet I've recommended the dealership and him!
DeleteFlora above, Anon again.
DeleteBuying a car 30 years ago, I was focused on the color, which the salesman thought was a very womanly thing to do. He didn’t appreciate that I had already done my research and was happy with the features of the car, so the color was the only thing left to choose.
DeleteUgh, Lisa, that was such an unfair assumption. When in reality you were five steps ahead!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHappy book birthday, Rhys! I am quite looking forward to reading about Mrs. Endicott and her adventures. Bravo to all women who stand up for themselves and any and all ages! It isn’t easy. When I was in my late 30s and beginning my career as a publisher’s sale rep I found eating by myself in restaurants a little intimidating . It took time to be assertive and sure of myself. As for the invisible woman syndrome -Gr-r-r.
ReplyDeleteThank you !
DeleteI have happily anticipated Mrs. Endicott since we were first introduced on JRW's. I just checked the holdings for Hillsborough County Library system, and 8 copies are on their way to Tampa. Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteI realized that I became more of an 'invisible woman' when my hair turned white when I was in my 40's. It was okay for people to cut in front of me, or talk over me. Perhaps developing a death stare and a resting Bitch face didn't help. Years later, after much trial and error, smiling and eye contact seems to be working when I am out in the world.
Smiling works wonders. I try to do it most of the time. When someone’s rude or clueless a sweet smile and a put down is my weapon
DeleteHappy Book Birthday, Rhys !
ReplyDeleteIt will be a happy book reading for me as I have your book on my Kindle.
I usually know what I need and what I want. I think that being confident and assertive helps me not to be overlooked. Like Karen, I don’t stand rude characters or men too macho.I don’t seek their help or bye their products.
Thank you, Danielle
DeleteRhys ~ I would want you in my corner anytime and anywhere! Your "comeback" comments are solid gold! I especially love the typing response and expensive wine retort. Next time I am tongue-tied when called "honey" I will think of you and reach into my bag of tart replies. (I'm not sure when one becomes "qualified" to be called "dear" or "honey" by someone half her age but I'll never get used to it.) Being an invisible woman by a certain age does have some perks but no longer being part of research studies or falling off the grid as being a viable member of society is not very comforting. Hopefully, that is changing.Many actresses now continue to get leading roles in movies long past the age that was once considered the cutoff point and the end of their careers. Women are becoming bolder in making bucket lists they strive to achieve well past retirement age and no longer accept "no" for an answer to whatever goals they are pursuing. Young girls are empowered through the arts (dance, music, etc) and academics (science and research) to go after anything they want in life. Take the dream and make it a goal. Insecurity replaced with confidence. At one of Hank Phillippi Ryan's book signings she was kind enough to share a few thoughts with me about the "invisible woman" in society. I thanked her for being a "visible" woman by creating a second career as an author following a successful career in investigative reporting. More and more women are poking holes in the idea that retirement means sitting on the front porch in a rocking stair. We have no intention of "going gentle into that good night". (Dylan Thomas) I thank us boomers for fighting back and saying "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." (Network)
ReplyDeleteI’m not going gentle either and I thank you for these comments. Hank is a warrior. She could lead us into battle.
DeleteRhys ~ You are welcome. I would follow both of you into battle. So just in case, I am spit shining my armor. :-) Cheers and Happy Book Birthday!
DeleteI can't wait to read about Mrs. Endicott! I don't mind being invisible, and haven't really experienced being passed over or condescended to-- but I am not traveling, staying in hotels or renting cars by myself the way you are Rhys. I do like the fact that I'm no longer subject to catcalls or unwanted advances from strange men on the street.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that!
DeleteKaren, we bought a new to us vehicle about 20 years ago. My son and I popped in to the dealer after the soccer game – he was in cleats, and told the associate (female) that we had 10 mins as my mother was in distress (dying). She respected our request, dealt with us in 10 mins, listened to what we wanted, let us go, called back later that afternoon, asked about my mother, told us what she found, sent email links and agreed to meet with us the following week. Vehicle was brought in from another dealership, and waiting for test drive – just exactly what we told her in the first 10-minute chat, and so we bought it. We bought 3 more vehicles from her, and I will say I am sad that she is no longer there, should we need another van. No invisible person there, even with a child.
ReplyDeleteEveryone in Cape Breton calls you ‘dear or dearie’ – just a figure of speech here, not a put-down.
Congratulations on your book, Rhys – so far it is not in the library line-up!
Love this story, Margo!
DeleteA female car person would be lovely! You lucked out. And when dear or dearie is normal I like it. In Cornwall everyone is my lovey!
DeleteMargo, when my family bought a new car ten years ago, the dealership was 98 percent women. The boss was a woman. I think maybe one man or two men in the entire dealership. And yes, we bought our car from a female car person. Now when I visited the dealership recently, I was surprised to see they all are men now. I did not see a woman car person.
DeleteSo true Rhys!! Thanks for your post this morning.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to read this new book Rhys! I have dealt with invisible-woman syndrome for many years-even my younger years-because I am short (4’11”), and you would not believe how rude people can be around us petite people. Literally bump into me, talk over my head, dismiss me in lines. It has caused me to be on “defense mode” on more than one occasion. I have learned to carry myself with more confidence (my husband says I have Napoleon syndrome! I kind of do!), and most days I speak up (some days I am lazy and just give death stares and scoffs). And by the way, it’s not just clueless men who do this (though they are often the biggest culprits). Just a couple of weeks ago a younger woman banged into me with her gigantic bag in a restaurant. She saw me standing there, stood directly in front of me (and my husband), and started banging around with her bag while talking with her friends. She could not have cared less that she was invading my personal space. So I gave her friend “the look”, pressed her arm to get her attention, and said, “excuse me please” in my most firm voice I could muster without losing it and I stepped up into her space. It can be a pretty devaluing feeling when this type of thing occurs often. I try to not dwell on it and when I am out-and-about, I am conscientious and friendly to others. I try to live the virtue, “do unto others…” as much as I can. As far as people calling me “honey” etc., that bothers me less than the physical space issue or being ignored/dismissed. And I’ll say that I always try to have medical care provided by women doctors/providers. Firstly, I believe they are superior clinicians (we certainly have more in common than I do with male doctors!), and secondly, I like to support them in their fields. Sadly, my favorite female doctor retired and I am stuck with a male for now. He should be retiring soon and I will be able to request a female again. True story. The first time he met me, he called me a “sweet lady”. I told him that people who know me well don’t think of that word first!
ReplyDeleteStacia, that sounds awful, always needing to assert yourself because of something you cannot control, your height.
DeleteFemale doctors, yes!! All my medical providers except my eye doc are women, including the best dentists in town. When my daughters were small all their doctors were women, too, and they have continued that trend, bless them. The only female doctor who I have known who did not respect her patient was my mother's doctor ten years ago. She kept telling Mother, who was in her mid-80's, every complaint was because of her age, including a terribly painful neck and arm issue that sent my mom to the ER for suspected heart attack. It wasn't, but her doctor dismissed her so much that I finally went with Mother for her next appointment. She was not even looking at my mom, just at her computer, and I finally called her on it. She was in her 30's, and so disrespectful, but after I intervened she began taking Mother's issues more seriously.
Definitely female doctors! My OBGYN always ends my appointment with a big hug! And I when I broke my pelvis and was in a wheel chair I saw that I became invisible. People talked over my head ! Do rude.
DeleteCongratulations, Rhys! I haven't experienced the Invisible Woman thing yet. Then again, I don't let it happen. Thanks to my mother's example, I've always been pretty good about speaking up for myself. The Hubby brings me when he buys a car. He says I negotiate better than he does.
ReplyDeleteI get called "dear" or "honey" more often by women older than me than by men or younger people.
My husband takes me to his doctor appointments because I ask the hard questions!
DeleteGood for you asking hard questions because someone has to, Rhys.
DeleteCongratulations Rhys! I look forward to enjoying this captivating novel. Since I am extremely short and petite I have experienced this my entire life. But it has become much worse as I am older now and have definitely become invisible. No one sees me at all. In Department stores, the supermarket, and especially cafes and restaurants. A daily occurrence which I have to endure.
ReplyDeleteDo not go gentle! Be difficult
DeleteRHYS: Congratulations on launch day! I checked my orders online and it looks like your book is on the way and I should receive it on Saturday!! I am excited about your book. This premise of middle aged women going on adventures intrigues me. Interesting question about being invisible.
ReplyDeleteLike Liz, I get called "dear" or "honey" more often by women older than me than by men or younger people.
As a child, I thought I was invisible because when I signed to s stranger, often they had this vacant look on their faces as if they did not understand Sign Language. When I talked to adults who knew sign language, I never felt invisible. It is wonderful when you feel "seen". I have been seeing this phrase on social media "I feel seen".
Growing up, I gradually figured out that there are some people who never learned sign language. Sometimes I would try to get someone's attention and my Speech was not clear so their ears tune me out. It took years of practice to cultivate my speech development and it is better these days. Once in a while this still happens. I wonder if other Deaf people think they are invisible?
I'm so accustomed to being "invisible" by now. IF I was Six Feet tall, then maybe I would not be invisible. I have been shoved by strangers on the street because "I was in the way". This rarely happens, though.
It's puzzling to me that anyone could be invisible. Why would someone think a woman is with the man? Was the man standing close to the woman? I remember Miss Marple sitting in an armchair and no one sees her. I was reminded of an episode of Midsomer Murders where Barnaby is sitting in a tall armchair and overhears a conversation in the library because no one noticed him behind the armchair.
It must be quite challenge for you, Diana, because people don’t know how to interact with deaf people and thus don’t try! I hope you enjoy the book
DeleteNot only are we invisible, it seems that we are incapable of volunteering. Frequently I need to restate that hard of hearing can cook, work behind the scenes, and actually attend Silent Retreats.
DeleteThank you for your kind words, Rhys.
DeleteCoralee, thank you. May I ask what are "Silent Retreats"? In the old days before Professional Sign Language interpreters, Hard of Hearing people often would be called on to interpret for Deaf people.
DeleteSilent Retreats are frequently offered in meditation centers where instructions are verbal. The participants are required to maintain silence for the duration of the retreat. In emergencies note taking is allowed. Gestures are okay, but not encouraged. The intent is for the participants to practice focusing introspection. Thank you for asking.
DeleteRhys you mentioned it is the assistants and nurses that can often be patronizing in doctor office situations. I find that true for older people in general. They were that way with my dad who was quite tall and stood out, and was a retired military officer. I don't know why they think they can be treated like children.
ReplyDeleteRhys are more Constable Evans books coming out? Looking forward to Mrs Endicott's Splendid Adventure as well!
ReplyDeleteNot in the foreseeable future, I’m
DeleteAfraid. I would like to revisit Evan some time
I just love your books and will get this one ASAP! So, about a month after my 5 speeder arrived, the transmission on my Oldsmobile let go! Such horrible timing. So, out car shopping I went. I had sorta decided on a five speeder as my everyday car so that the transition to my new fun car would be easier. I had decided to purchase a brand new Subaru Justy and had done all of the research. So, when I walked into the dealership with my younger sister and told the sales guy what I wanted, he started to argue with me about what a stupid idea that was as I surely needed a nice big used car. Again I told him no and when he said that I needed to discuss this with his manager so that I understood better what I was doing, I walked out and bought that new Subaru Justy 4-wheel drive three cylinder cutie which I drove until I hit a deer on the way to the train station at 5:30 AM one morning. I replaced it with a 4-wheel drive brand new Jeep Wrangler bought at a dealership where not one person dared to argue with me!
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant !
DeleteCongratulations on your new book, Rhys! I look forward to reading it!
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure that I have been treated as invisible, but I also forget that I have grey hair and am as old as I am. I talk and joke with strangers in line so I guess I’m hard to ignore.
I do remember my mother saying that she had a new (young) doctor who called her by her first name. I was probably in my twenties at the time and didn’t understand why that bothered her. Now I get that her generation was only called Mrs. or Miss and someone being presumptuous to address her by her first name was being very disrespectful. (Of course, that generation of women purposely listed themselves as Mrs. Husband’s First Name — Mrs. John Smith — instead of Mrs. Alice Smith. That practice probably led to some invisibility of its own.) — Pat S
Oh, can't wait to read this, Rhys! Patronizing? Oh my, yes - I had a doctor greet me with, "And how many years young are we?" I responded that my birth date was on the records, and that I was young enough to hop off the table and find another doctor. Another time I was buying a pair of gaming headphones. I've found they have the best microphone quality for dictation - the check out woman, picked up the box and asked if they were for me because if they were, they had simpler ones that I might prefer. My response - Oh, how are they for gaming? I'm level 10 on - whatever the popular game of the day was. She put the box down and said, "Rock on grandma!" and fist bumped me. Made me feel good, even though I wouldn't know one end of a game from another!
ReplyDeleteRock on!
DeleteI love this so much, Rhys! And yes, I've been aware of the diminution of older women since I as a teen visiting my grandmother during a fortunately brief stay. Some chipper chippy sailed into her room and asked, "How are you today, Mary?" Grandma icily said, "I prefer Mrs. Greuling."
ReplyDeleteI've found myself on the other side of the "dear" business - it's very common in Maine for older women to call everyone "de-ah," and I've slipped into it myself. I'm trying to stop adding "dear" on when addressing young women because I don't want them to think I'm patronizing (matronizing?) them!
SO wonderful! Love this book so much, and yes, so annoying to be called "young lady." How can ANYONE imagine I'm going to think that's charming? Gah. Congratulations, Rhys!!!
ReplyDeleteI’d love to see someone call you young lady and live to tell the tale!
DeleteWhen people have called me “honey” or “sweetie”, I’ve been tempted to call them the same thing. I haven’t done it yet, but I think it could happen if I’m in the right frame of mind!
ReplyDeleteI sometimes use a cane for balance. Most of the time people have been respectful and helpful, as in opening doors for me, etc.
It’s the invisibility that really bothers me. About a year before I had my knee replaced, I was walking on the sidewalk at a nearby beach. I was wearing shorts, as do a visible knee brace, and walking with a cane. A family walking towards me nearly knocked me off the sidewalk. I know I should have said something, but I didn’t. It still bothers me.
A friend and I used to do our daily walking at our local mall. If we did it early in the morning, things went well. But if we were there in the afternoon when they were a lot more people there, particularly younger people, they would walk right into us without apologizing. A couple of times we found ourselves nearly pinned to a wall. They would walk away as though nothing had ever happened. My friend would sometimes say in a loud voice “so I guess we’re invisible now?”
DebRo
It’s not “as do a visible brave” . It’s “as well as a visible brace.” Darn AutoIncorrect!
DeleteDebRo
There are a lot of rude people out there.
DeleteCan't wait to read the new book! As for being diminished, about 20 years ago I decided I was fed up with the notion that the doctor was always right. I figured that I'd lived with my body my whole life and I was pretty sure I knew when it wasn't working correctly. So, when I needed a new doc, I'd book an appointment and then pepper them with questions about pertinent matters regarding my treatment. Fascinating to see docs look at me when I said ,"And how comfortable are you using a side scope because my EGDs often require its use?" I also tend to reduce them to "human" vs "god" status by asking how they're doing and how the family is. You'd be amazed at how that impacted them. After one of my docs sent me to a new one who was more specialized for my needs, that original doc would see me at the hospital and bring out pics of the grandbabies he was going to visit in China! I reckon we need to remember that docs need to be "seen" as real folks with real day-to-day issues themselves.
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note, I've been volunteering at my library for 18 years and learned the various idiosyncrasies of the branch and each librarian. It has been interesting this past year to see the new adult volunteers who look down on me (I'm 70 and they're a couple decades younger) and ask in a kindly voice how long I've been volunteering. I answer oh, a few years now. For some reason, they immediately assume they are superior in all ways and proceed to try to take over a program - showing the librarian, who's only been doing this for a decade or so, how to do her job. I'm sad to say that most of these are entitled white women and the librarian in question is a person of color. My heart gets so discouraged during those moments because I know how deeply it wounds my friend, the librarian. I find it humorous later when they see the two of us arm in arm laughing together. Also quite amusing when the other librarians are greeting me with hugs and laughter as those entitled folks sign out after their shift. Treating folks with respect costs so little, yet reaps so much joy. -- Victoria
I find many younger people act as if they are entitled these days. And that they know everything!
DeleteCongratulations, dear Rhys!! You know how much I loved this book! I always love your standalones but I think Mrs. Endicott may be the best yet!! I've just bought the Audible, too, as the narrator sounds as though she will be terrific!!
ReplyDeleteI will agree with others that being female AND short makes you an easy target for dismissal. But I'm used to traveling by myself and to speaking up for myself (although I'm very happy to have big guys volunteer to lift my bag into the overhead racks!)
My pet peeve is being called "Debbie" by people who don't know me--not that people who do know me are allowed to call me Debbie! But when I've been introduced to someone as Deborah and they then call me "Debbie" it seems very rude and patronizing. If you meet someone named John you don't immediately call him "Johnny!"
I feel your pain on the naming front. I'm introduced as Victoria and folks say may I call you Vicki and I say no, my name is Victoria. Always seems to take them off guard as they immediately land on the diminutive and how dare I say no. Not even my besties call me Vicki. -- Victoria
DeleteYou are definitely not a "Debbie"! I've noticed though some address you here as Debs. Which I like a lot! :)
DeletePreaching to the choir. I'll be introduced as Pat and a salesman will instantly call me Patty, as if that makes us friends. I am not a Patty or a Patsy.
DeleteOh, how I understand this!
DeleteDebRo
Pat, I changed from Patty to Pat when I went into high school. If I hear someone call me Patty, I know it’s someone I knew in elementary school and no later, or it’s someone who’s decided to call me what they want to call me. There were three people who were allowed to call me Patty once I was an adult: my mom and dad and a boss (owner of the company) who wouldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be called that. — Pat S
DeleteYou are definitely not a Debbie!! But Deb’s suits you perfectly.
DeleteI still have to push back against being called "Edie" - which is reserved exclusively for family and Childhood classmates. Shrinking with age doesn't help!
DeleteI am Elisabeth. Almost no one has ever “Lizzie-d” me. If not responding to the “Lizzie” doesn’t work. With the second attempt at calling me “Lizzie”, they get a repeat plus: “My name is Elisabeth. With an S, not a z.” Third attempt. I just don’t respond. Elisabeth
DeleteIn THE ANNIHILATION SCORE by Charles Stross, people begin developing superpowers. The UK government tries to contain them by creating a group to use their powers for good. Their non-powered manager, a middle-aged woman, eventually develops the power of . . . Invisibility. I felt so seen!
ReplyDeleteLisa so true! And Harry Potter had an invisibility cloak! Sometimes I wish I had the super power to be a fly on the wall so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI have often thought about the way younger people will address older people by using what they must think are endearments (Hello dear, honey, sweetie, blah blah). But is it because they are being nasty, rude or have a flippant attitude and putting others down? Or is it that they believe they are trying to be courteous?
ReplyDeleteDown south it is fairly common. I frequently use sweetie, pumpkin, hon, darlin', love, etc. Now if you get into "Well bless your little heart" you're in trouble. That is a gentle but pointed put down. -- Victoria
DeleteI feel that it’s patronizing. Poor old thing!
DeleteCongratulations, Rhys, on another bestseller (Not predicting. I'm going by the history of your success)! I love that Mrs. Endicott is not letting herself be a victim, that she is charging full-steam into a new and better life than she had with her unappreciative husband. Viva Mrs. Endicott!
ReplyDeleteAs you and others have noted, when women reach a certain age (and I'm not sure exactly what age but certainly by my age, which is 71), their choices and decisions are questioned or scrutinized much more. And, then that problem of invisibility rears its ugly head. I don't regret my decision to let my hair go gray when the Covid isolation hit, but I do think my now gray/white hair adds to being written off as an old person with less to offer the world. Of course, there's the whole thing of man being waited on or attended to before a woman of any age. I have had my moments of getting hot under the collar when a man is waited on before me when I was clearly there first, or I should say the attempt was made to wait on him first. I remember going in to pick up a pizza order, and having stood at the counter for more than a few minutes, a man enters and is immediately asked what he needs. Well, what he needed and what the pizza worker needed was for me to tell them that I was there first and although I knew he was a man and I was a woman, I still expected to be waited on first. I was.
Hooray for you, Ksthy!
DeleteHere in the South being called sweetie or hon is not a put down. It's as normal as being told to have a blessed day. I think it's nice. Rhys, I read an ARC of Mrs Endicott's Splendid Adventure and I just loved it! Too often if a woman is with a man she is invisible to others. Early in our marriage Frank and I went to a bank to get a loan to fix the transmission on our car. The banker set me on a chair away from his desk and set Frank up close to his desk. They exchanged pleasantries will ignoring the little lady. When it came time to fill out the loan application, Frank had to defer to me to answer all our financial questions. After all, I was in charge of paying bills in the family. I felt like telling them to go soak their heads!
ReplyDeleteI’ve been through that so often, Pat. Our bank person called and asked to speak to John about our joint account. When I said speak to me he replied he’d rather speak to my husband. He’s no longer our bank person
DeleteCongratulations on your new book, Rhys. Our book club read the The Rose Arbor last month and all the comments were very positive. We loved it! A fun read with unexpected twists and new information about WWII in England. You did great weaving the prewar and post war timeframes and characters in your story. I look forward to meeting Mrs. Endicott. It may make next year's list for bookclub.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteJust received my e-copy of Mrs. Endicott and had to put aside what I was reading to start reading it immediately. I frequently have several books going in my Kindle app.
ReplyDeleteIm a volunteer cashier at a not for profit thrift store and am frequently addressed as dear, or hon. mostly by men, ugh Many times i respond with a big smile and a, “thanks sweetie!” Im 77 and no ones dear!
Yay. A woman after my own heart !
DeleteI'm not a very outgoing person and I definitely have felt "Invisible" many times. But, I can only be "Invisible" for so long before I speak my mind. I had to wait two hour while getting my oil change one time and the service advisor told me "well that's how it goes sometimes " he really heard how I felt, especially since I had an appointment for only an oil change. I also made my feelings known on the request from the car dealer on how satisfied I was with Brian and I usually don't like giving bad reviews, but I felt that being a woman he didn't feel like I value my time.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, Rhys. The new book sounds terrific--I am looking forward to the audiobook. I loved reading about your behavior in the restaurant. The first time I ate alone in a restaurant, many years ago, I remember being shown to a lousy table, and I pointed to a better table and said, "I'd like to sit there, please." It worked, and since then I've tried to remember to demand my rights as a customer.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your new book!
ReplyDeleteI've not traveled in awhile so I've not experienced much of what you've mentioned. There is 1 small thing that really annoys me though. It seems that many people assume that if you're over a certain again that you're married. When they call me Mrs. Fellows, I let them know that my mother died some years ago, that I'm Ms. Fellows.