RHYS BOWEN: As most of you know, I'm finding myself more and more involved with my husband's health issues. He's 92, has had a bad fall and our lives seem to be dominated by doctor visits, picking up meds and deciding what he can eat. The problem is that I don't like to leave him for too long as he's a bit wobbly these days and won't use his walker or cane all the time.
A few days ago I had a mini-escape. My daughter Clare had spring break and we got a day pass to a local hotel pool. We lay in the shade and read, stood in the chest deep pool and talked, sat in the hot tub and ordered lunch and a cocktail. It was heavenly.
And it made me realize how important ME TIME is.
I'm wondering what other Reds and Reddies do when they want to escape, decompress and recharge? For me the pool is one of the most important. To lie in pleasantly warm water, weightless, looking up at palm trees, recharges me rapidly. My favorite would be a beach. Just wandering along the edge of the waves, finding shells, watching sea birds brings me great peace and contentment. Alas Arizona is not near any ocean.
When I am back in California I go to a little beach on the San Francisco Bay. It's called China Camp and was a settlement when the Chinese were driven out of the city a century ago. So a couple of old shacks and a perfect little cove. It's only about fifteen minutes from my house. I buy a year pass and go whenever i need to get away and think. It's great for plotting out the next scene of a book or just letting my mind wander before I come back to real life.
What else do I do? I have regular massages. Love them. A spa day is a real treat. But I don't do many of the things my friends do to feel relaxed and special. Manicures? No. I have tried. I come out looking glamorous and in two days I've chipped half my nails. I do like pedicures. It's fun to change toe nail colors in the summer.
Facials? I've tried. I lie there with pads on my eyes while soothing herbals blends are stroked into my skin and I think, "I must remember to get more eggs on the way home." Or... In that scene I just wrote she shouldn't say she's angry. I find myself writing to do lists. And begrudging the time all these substances on my face are taking.
I'm not good with meditation either. I try to relax and think of nothing. Impossible. I try to picture myself floating on a cloud or lying on a calm ocean. And start writing the to do lists again, or rewriting my last chapter.
I've tried sound baths. They don't seem to work either. Actually, now I think about it, the best way to relax is to have lunch with good friends. Lots of laughter, memories, encouragement.
So what suggestions do you have for me at this moment? Quick little re-charge sessions?
Getting together with friends is always good . . . listening to your favorite music . . . a walk through the garden [or park or around the neighborhood] . . . .
ReplyDeleteYou’re right. I must listen to
DeleteMore music.
Standing in a pool is such a lovely respite from gravity! Having everything be . . . perky again.
ReplyDeleteFor me it’s walking - preferably in nature, or an unfamiliar city. But even if it’s on concrete and close to home the movement helps calm me down.
I’ve been battling a wonky knee so my usual walking is curtailed.
DeleteLisa, love the “perky” comment! — Pat S
DeleteYes, me, too, Lisa! Made me snort.
DeleteIt is possible that I have too much "me time" these days. Irwin has recovered nicely from some health issues and has several things that he goes off to do away from the house throughout the week. I do meet friends for lunch occasionally, but I am home a lot. Although I enjoy cooking and baking, I need to get out more and try to do more things that I used to love to do. But can I?
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat Judy. My husband still works full time (2 days in his office downtown and 3 days at home), and I am retired. I know I can get involved in clubs, volunteer work but for some reason I prefer to stay at home. I read and bake and seem to hang out at my local cafe drinking lattes and reading. Just finished Jenn's newest Library book. Love the characters. I keep my afternoons open (after my nap!) in order to help out with the grandkids if needed.
DeleteIt’s hard when the weather won’t cooperate, Judy. But staying connected to people is important. What if Irwin is not there one day. I suggest finding a group of like minded women. A book club? Volunteer at friends of the library?
DeleteI'm sorry things with John are difficult these days, Rhys. I wish him all the best for regaining his strength and stability. Your getaway with Clare sounds perfect.
ReplyDeleteLike for Joan and Lisa, a good brisk walk outdoors always energizes me. And if I resolve a plot point, so much the better.
Thank you, Edith!
DeleteWalking the beach. Any weather. I was born and raised in Iowa so being a ten minute drive from even the coooollllldddd Atlantic Ocean (Maine) and a chance to walk is wonderful. I have a situation like yours, Rhys, and wish you the opportunities to have me-time with regularity.
ReplyDeleteWe’re all going to go through this at some stage, Maren. I guess we have to find joy in little things
DeleteWhy are men so stubborn? Trying to tough it out without help is how we get into trouble. Okay, enough said.
ReplyDeleteMy garden (or anybody's garden, like the Cincinnati Zoo, where I'll be today), the sewing room, and a good book--which I can combine with the first two, thanks to audiobooks. If I could get a massage every evening before bed that would be the ultimate luxury, but hahaha. I also love having pretty nails, but I also wreck them immediately--if there's a weed it gets pulled! I can't help myself, so it's really a waste of money I could be spending on plants. LOL
It will be nice to get back to walking outdoors again. The hip is doing so much better, as long as I don't overdo it.
How “WE” get into trouble…Karen, my experience is this not just men. My grandmother, my mother, and I were (as of today I still am) tough it out on our own people. Elisabeth
DeleteElizabeth, and my mother, who is the worst, and has been in the ER too many times from getting overly confident.
DeleteMe time = anywhere with a book. It's my best gift to myself! Enjoying reading and escaping from any current events. A double win! And I understand only too well about John, my hubs is aging rapidly. It's sad and scary to witness. My advice? Read more!
ReplyDeleteI find it harder to read when I’m stressed. Usually books I’ve already read
DeleteRhys, I am so sorry to hear about John's health issues. I wish him speedy recovery and regaining of his strength. I am grateful he is still here. I remember meeting him and your son at your book event in Corte Madera. Your getaway with Clare sounds wonderful. This resonates with me because my beloved 94 year old uncle is having health issues. His wife and son in law are taking good care of him.
ReplyDeleteWhat qualifies as "me time"? Reading wonderful books like your novels. Taking a walk at the crack of dawn when there are almost no one around, which is easier for me to socially distance at 6 feet. A long bath is almost as good as the spa. Watching one of my favorite movies on my computer. Writing letters to dear family and friends. It is blissful when we can get our "me time".
Oh I’d forgotten a long bath! I do like that even though my bathtub in Arizona is stupidly shallow
DeleteI'm so sorry you and John are struggling with these health and balance issues. You are both in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am firmly in the camp of walking for re-charging. When the weather permits (and I have pretty broad tolerances) I walk outside every day. Most days I walk through suburban neighborhoods, but often manage to walk in the woods. There are no beaches in Central Ohio, but I am just back from a week on Sanibel Island where the beach walks were heavenly. Other than walks, I share your love of massages and also the sharp preference for pedicures over manicures. Reading is always rejuvenative, especially when I can sit and physically read a book rather than listen to the audio (which I do more often.)
I have also visited a float spa a few times, where one gets into a pod containing water with epsom salts in it, thus forcing your body to float. The lights are low and one can choose either soft music or sound. I chose wave sounds. I haven't been to one for a while now, but I did find it profoundly relaxing.
That sounds heavenly. I’ll check out whether there is one nearby. And thank you for the kind words
DeleteRhys, it sounds like you know what does Not work for you. It sounds like going outside, the beach or being near water works for you. Would sitting outside on your porch with a cuppa of tea work for you? I read somewhere that people, who live longer, do nothing for the first 15? 20? minutes after waking up.
ReplyDeleteA cup of tea is certainly my go to mini escape!
DeleteRhys, may you and John have grace and serenity for your days, wherever and when ever, Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteThank you! It’s not an easy time, gradually letting a loved one go but we will all have to do it some day
DeleteWalks in my neighborhood help me recharge. We had 4 great sunrises in a row this week! wooo hoo!! I saw a coyote at a distance on the golf course yesterday. Aside--a friend posted a video that a golfer had taken last Saturday (at the golf course where I walk every day!) of a couple of the coyotes climbing a tree. Wow.
ReplyDeleteI meditate every day, knowing that my thoughts will wander. The point is to gently notice and return to the breath or the word (my word for the year is joyful, which is hard to feel a lot of the time) Time with friends also helps me recharge.
Rhys, caregiving is so hard and anxiety-producing; please continue to take care of yourself. Praying for you and John.
Thank you, Gillian!
DeleteRhys, so sorry to hear about your husband's health issues. I love your experiences with facials and your thoughts running thru your head - so funny! I feel the same. I do like getting a pedicure but not my nails either. I grew up near the ocean and it was our "babysitter" - we got up early on Sat, watched cartoons then usually headed out to the beach where we played in the water for hours and only came home in time for dinner. When I was teaching middle school, I would always go to the YMCA pool to swim laps in the early morning hours - just being in the water, seeing the trees overhead, gave me such serenity. It is a great way to start the day.
ReplyDeleteI could not exist without pools!
Deleteoh Rhys, that is such a challenge. and you are completely a stalwart and such a good life partner. As for relaxation, you know I am the worst at this. The worst. I am pretty devoted to manicures, and pedicures, but I don’t find them relaxing. It is just maintenance. :-) I do love walking on the beach at the edge of the water, that is so peaceful. But I’m realizing, as I’m writing this, that though I love to walk on the beach or in my neighborhood or anywhere, I’m always walking fast. It’s not leisurely. Relaxation is just not my skill, I guess.
ReplyDeleteYou are the original energizer bunny! I’m rather afraid I am almost as bad!
DeleteTough days --so sorry you are going through this. I can't relax with facials, massages, manis or pedis--I do like to walk because I listen to audio books and they take my mind off all the stuff that needs doing--Currently, I'm listening to Vanished in the Crowd (my first Molly Murphy mystery) which I heard about right here! Generally, I'm in Hank's camp. I'm always on the move--I feel guilty if I take me time.
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoy your first Molly book. If you like it you only have 21 more to catch up!
DeleteI agree that the beach is the very best place for me to relax. 😎 It’s an hour or two to get to one from my house (Gulf or Atlantic); so usually it is just outside with a book. That can be front porch, back lanai, back patio or poolside and sometimes I spend the day rotating from one to another.
ReplyDeleteBeing the caretaker for a loved one is difficult, but it is very important to also care for yourself.
Right now in Arizona it’s crazy hot. We’d go back to California but have so many doctor visits lined up
DeleteMeals prepared by someone else. Treat yourself (and John) to a stress-free meal as often as you can, given John's food requirements. Walking helps me and finding a new walk to change things up a bit helps, too, as does walking with a friend or two occasionally. My sister is dealing with my brother-in-law's same mobility, fear of falling issues. She's analyzed every daily task from getting out of bed to moving through the house because he too refuses to use walking aids. So, a carefully placed bedside table for support when getting up. A special recliner to make standing up easier. Putting things he needs in certain places to reduce the chance of a fall. It's very stressful and I hope John's health improves for his sake and yours.
ReplyDeleteFlora, I have to accept that John is not going to get stronger. He is 92 and failing. But have placed strategic pieces of furniture for balance
DeleteHugs, Rhys!
DeleteRhys, what you are going through is so hard! I was a caregiver to a family member for nine years, so I do understand.... For me, singing and writing songs always helps. I know that you may not play guitar like I do, but if you can, try to sing and create a song around what your feeling. And of course, just singing makes you Breathe!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps!
Morning everyone ~ tough subject ~ My hubs died suddenly many many years ago when my kids were young so no time to relax and it carried through into my retirement with going hither and yawn, yes I mean yawn. But this year it occurred to me that I’m retired. (No eye rolling, please. It takes time to shift gears) In other words, I decided that it’s ok to slow down and apart from all those maintenance things we all must do, it’s very beneficial to fill the rest of my day with things that are
ReplyDeletepleasant and that I truly like to do or might like to investigate. If there was a beach within 30 minutes of easy driving, I’d be there a lot. My “me time” is writing, reading, TV, phone-friends across the nation, lunch with local friends. time to moan and groan followed with a heavy dose of laugher and food and a glass of wine. There is such a relief after the M&G time, an unloading if you will, with our girlfriends as they understand, know it can’t be fixed, and Actually listen. And then laughing at whatever comes up next. People, you see. We need friends and fun. And fun changes. I’ll try anything that speaks to fun - and now safety for aging souls. No sky-diving for me! I enjoy having
time to investigate whatever is of interest today. Everything everyone has said sums it up pretty well. Sometimes this life we live isn’t nice or kind. Find the joy in every moment that you can.
I agree with your comments, Paula. It does take a little time to realize that you’re retired (no eye rolling from me) and then to decide how you want to spend that retired life. And friends are key for me to my sanity. — Pat S
DeletePraying for strength and peace for you and John as you go through this together. Know that many of us here care about you, please take care of yourself as well as you take care of John. I am so glad you had some “me” time and hope you can schedule some more, even short breaks, when you can relax and recharge. (Reading is my relaxation and escape from the real world, along with a cup of tea, and being with friends is also Me time) (Barbara C)
ReplyDeleteOh, Rhys... To the outside world you seem so completely together and on top of things. And I so agree -- What is it about water? I so agree with a float or even just a bath is a way to renew. I also believe in the health benefits of good ice cream.
ReplyDeleteOh, Rhys, hugs to you and to John. I'm so glad you have Clare there.
ReplyDeleteIt may sound silly but one of my biggest relaxation and stress relief activities is my weekly Saturday morning trip to the farmers market. Weather permitting!! I love visiting with my favorite vendors (and sometimes strangers), having a coffee, and just being around all the beautiful produce lifts my heart.
I love to walk but am limited in that until I get my blasted knee fixed. Cups of tea, baths at bedtime. I do actually get manicures and pedicures, more from necessity than vanity because of some chronic issues, but I do find it relaxing once the ouchy part is over.
Walking in the forest with my dog seems to put life into perspective.
ReplyDeleteWe just came back from a yard sale, and you might ask several questions – starting with who has a yard sale in winter?, followed by especially if nasty weather is forecast? and why on earth would anyone in their right mind get up at 6am, even if for a yard sale? No matter, the Uber driver and I loaded the van with foolishness from Her house, and trucked it to town. Everything was sorted and priced – ‘all items in this box 3 for $1’, or even ‘FREE!’. Do you know how hard it is to get rid of many, many items marked FREE! As my father would say, “at least you got your bait back” which essentially means what I made covered the cost of the table. We still brought home too much stuff - now where, and don’t say the dump.
ReplyDeleteAfter picking up a slice of pizza each and the needed milk, we settled in to light a fire – one of those days where the house just will not heat – and decided that starting now, we were doing only stuff for ourselves for a week, which may include vacuuming (when you have to wear hip waders to cross the carpet in the living room because the place was last cleaned at Christmas…) Hardly finished the pizza, when someone came to visit (arggghhh, smile nicely). He was young – 35-ish. He casually asked if we were trying to entice the birds to eat inside (there was birdseed on the floor in the corner – well, soon. See above note on need to vacuum.
He is now gone (here’s your hat, what’s your hurry) and we are moving back to doing only stuff for ourselves for a week. Currently I am starving which means that I am over stressed. So, what would be me time, you ask? Nothing on the agenda, and maybe I could start transplants, or make a real meal and not just something to keep body and soul together, or maybe just read an audiobook while doing a puzzle (Julia has been waiting since November). I look forward to spring and just sitting on Geriatric Row and watching the flowers grow. By the way, I think I heard a red-winged blackbird as we got out of the car.
Someone just asked me to give a lecture on Monarchs… it starts again.
It is very important to take care of yourself. Caretakers don’t always consider their own needs because they have so many demands on them and then the stress can affect their own health.
ReplyDeleteWould you be able to take John to a beach or lake? Even if you couldn’t do walking you both could sit and watch the activity around you.
Find a place such as a state park or gardens that have a waterfall which can be very relaxing.
Would seeing animals, especially monkeys at a zoo appeal to you. Does the area where you live have lakes that may have boat rides available. There are some that offer dinner and/or music evening trips.
You play the Celtic harp, is that something that you might want to spend more time in playing. Perhaps there are other people who also play that or another instrument that would be compatible.
If you don’t feel you play well enough, you could take lessons in that or a different instrument.
Listening to different types of music. Didn’t you sing with a chorale group at one time? Would that appeal to you now? I’m sure there are groups looking for new members.
Now that the weather is improving there may be outdoor concerts near you.
Check with the senior centers, they usually have a lot of activities there or suggest programs in the area that might appeal to you. They may also be able to give you information about respite options and organizations which would be helpful for you.Talk to your primary doctor, he knows you and may have some ideas.
Then there are books. Of course you already read, but maybe you could focus on a different type of book, one with humor. I have some favorite authors that I enjoy when I need something light and humorous. Some of those who have helped me are Donna Andrews, E.J. Copperman, Edmund Crispin, Karen Menuhin and T.E. Kinsey. They write in different styles and times but I have found them
able to distract me from other, more serious issues I may be dealing with.
Judy, I agree with Rhys – try a Book Club. I attend one at the library where there are 10 of us. The book is chosen from a select list, and one a year from each of us, which we read and then debate – well not really. We only debate if the book is terrible!
ReplyDeleteYesterday, we all attended the funeral of the person who suggested this 15 years ago. She was 82, and died suddenly – less than a week. She was a go-getter – involved in so many things in spite of being a come-from-away. We were to be a part of the honour guard when she departed the church, and sat together in aisle 2. Aisle 1 was her Rummoli Club, also honour guard at departure, and behind us were the various church groups who were honour guard when she came in.
As I looked at the heads in front of me, I noticed that all were heads in various shades of grey or white or some weird colours from Lady Clairol. I thought we were all old, yes old, and we were all a motley group of friends from different circumstances and we all came together to laugh and cry and have a lot of good memories and good stories. So I guess I am saying that one afternoon a month gives you so much me time and returns friendships too precious to not invite into your life.
As for Bev – she would have whacked the priest for calling her Beverley, and would have been severely annoyed that even being Roman Catholic and a priest, he never offered her a drop of wine!
Rhys, it is me again, and I am probably getting annoying, but…
ReplyDeleteWhen we shared our house with my parents, and mother had Alzheimer’s – actually the whole family was involved with the condition – we had Home Care. The idea was that they came in the morning and got her up, and returned before suppertime to prepare her for the evening. Along with this we had 4 hours, two hours at a time for respite care. This was meant to give the care giver a few hours to do as they wished, get groceries – whatever. (we had to be in the house for the morning and evening ablutions). I always took it, but I soon discovered several things. The main one was that getting groceries was too stressful by the time you drove to town, raced around the grocery store and raced back home, so I opted most days for just letting them come to the house and be with her, and either gardened, sat, or even managed to ‘play’ with her, knowing that should she need anything, that they would see to it. They entertained her, talked to her, took her to the bathroom, made the tea, folded the clothes – whatever. The time was mine to spend as I wished even if I never left home. It was wonderful!