My Vote for President

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Today, I'm here to make my endorsement for the Presidential election. This is my personal recommendation, and I do not speak for the Jungle Red Writers as a group, when I urge you all to vote for my mom, Lois Fleming, for President.

World Traveler

Why should you vote for my mom?

1. She's traveled widely around the world and I can guarantee she knows where Aleppo is.

2. Mom is terrific at balancing budgets. She's single-handedly grown her and Dad's investments from the pauper's mite to a sum suitable for a comfortable retirement through smart investment and money management. As president, she will personally call everyone in America and remind them that putting the maximum in their 401(k) is getting free money, and why would you leave that on the table?

Supports cultural exchange with visitors to the US

3. Mom does not believe in debt! Under her administration, the country will charge only what it can afford to pay in full at the end of the month with its American Airlines card. All government travel will be paid for by mileage points from the card.

4. Mom will cut through the congressional impasse. She has been both a Republican and a Democrat, so she knows the score on both sides. She will call recalcitrant congressmen into her office and tell them she is Very Disappointed In Them. If this doesn't work, she will give them That Look, perhaps combined with the The Shoulder Pinch (which looks like a hand laid on the shoulder but really says You're going to get it when I get you back to the Oval Office.)

Strong supporter of the elderly

5. Mom has excellent manners, and always remembers she is representing the US when she's abroad. You will never catch Mom giving Angela Merkle a weird backrub.

6. Mom is completely transparent with her emails, often cc:ing them to several of her children at once. Instead of setting up a private server, she will have the government use AOL.com, which is what she and Dad use now. After all, it is America on line.

7. In an average day, Mom will fit in a long walk, cut out a newspaper's worth of coupons, bake a dish for the Community Center dinner, set up the parish hall for the White Elephant sale the next day and attend a book group meeting. She has the stamina to be president.



8. A woman of education and refinement, Mom will never utter the phases "grab her by the p?$$y" or "Anthony Weiner's d!#k." In fact, she won't call Anthony Weiner by his name at all. She'll refer to him as That man. You'll know who she's talking about.

Understands blue collar workers

9. There will be no $300 toilet seats or billion-dollar bombers that can't fly in the rain when mom is commander-in-chief. She will make sure the defense department comparison shops - using Consumer Reports to get the best info - and then waits until an aircraft or destroyer is on sale before buying. Mom will frequent the military-industrial complex mark-down aisle to get good bargains.

10. If elected, Mom will have the most low-key First Spouse ever. Dad will spend his time in the White House designing virtual train sets and crafting miniatures. He does like drones, so we may have to watch that.

11. With an extended family that has straight, gay, white, African-American, Hispanic, Muslim, Roman Catholic and Presbyterian members, Mom is a living part of the Rainbow Generation. Also, she really likes Laverne Cox in Orange is the New Black. Mom knows "political correctness" is just good old-fashioned politeness. Why on earth wouldn't you call someone what they prefer to be called?

Party Loyalist

12. As the wife, mother and grandmother of service members, Mom knows what military service costs the families of this country. She believes most differences can be settled by sitting down and talking it over, but she also knows bad behavior must be dealt with swiftly before it becomes even worse. If necessary, she has what it takes to send men and women into battle, but honestly, she'll get pretty teary-eyed about it, because they all look like her grandkids now. And isn't that the kind of woman you want next to the nuclear football?



In conclusion, I believe my mom is exactly what this country needs in these troubled times. If you agree, I hope you'll write in Lois Fleming for president. Go ahead and put that young up-and-comer, Hillary Clinton, on the ticket, too. Mom would like that.