An Oldie but Goodie with Some *Very Good* Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: We're running this post from four years ago because some of you will have missed it and it's good enough to read over and over! (In my humble opinion.) Plus it has the most adorable picture of Rhys and her John you will ever see...

The Reds Dish with Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of John and me getting married. Thirty years! How did that happen? Last year at this time, John was in the hospital with medical problems, so I feel even more grateful this year. I hoped the Reds might help us celebrate with pictures of their wedding day, and best advice for folks just starting out. (Or really, people in the middle might use this too!)

A wise therapist once told me that there’s not really any such thing as one marriage. You and your spouse embark on what becomes a series of marriages, depending on how each of you might be changing internally, plus changes outside with family challenges, health issues, aging, money, etc. To make it through all this, keep talking, stay kind and calm, and focus on the positive reasons you married this person in the first place.  How about you Reds, advice for newlyweds?

HALLIE EPHRON: I hate to say it, but the most important thing is to get lucky and marry the right person. Not as easy as it sounds. I could have walked off with quite a few Mr. Wrongs.

Jerry was Right and his timing was impeccable. It helps if he’s easy to look at and laughs at your jokes. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I knew Jonathan was the one the moment I saw him. There’s no way else to describe this, and he felt the same way. We were “older,” me 46 and him 56, and I think that meant that we’d both been through a lot of experiences before, and realized not only what mattered, but what didn’t. 

Little stuff does not matter. If we’re feeling cranky, we just say–”I’m feeling cranky, it’s not you”. Individual items do not escalate into “you ALWAYS.”  We are both polite to each other–if someone does something small, like empty the dishwasher, the other always notices it, and remarks on it. We respect each other and we listen to each other. We take turns. I think he is fascinating and brilliant, and yes, he thinks I am funny, which is so important, because I think I’m hilarious but that’s not universally felt.

 We compliment each other every day. We are not one bit competitive with each other (except at Scrabble, another blog), and are truly supportive. We are patient with each other (although it doesn't feel like “patience,”) team players and good friends. We both think we are very lucky. And laughter, right?

JENN McKINLAY: Laughter. I often tell the Hooligans that the only reason that their dad and I are still married is because he makes me laugh. That’s a big part of it, I believe, but even more importantly, when adversity strikes, you have to jump in the fox hole together. Our marriage was a bit unbalanced as Hub suffered some big setbacks in the beginning, and I was always right there at his side. I thought I didn’t need him as much as he needed me. Then a crushing blow hit me, and lo and behold, I discovered my marriage had layers that I’d never even suspected. Hub kept me tethered with infinite kindness and patience, being there for me just like I’d been there for him. My advice? Keep your sense of humor and have each other’s back and you’ll be just fine. 

RHYS BOWEN: We were off to a rocky start as John was raised old school upper-class British–meaning you don’t show your emotions and the husband expects the wife to do the child rearing. He came from such a reserved background, boarding school at age 10, a father who only shook his hand, so I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Now he realizes how much he missed out on, not really knowing his kids. He has had so much more enjoyment from knowing his grandkids.

What has kept us together is sharing basic values on money, religion, ethics. Also we enjoy the same things–we love to travel, we love to get together with family and friends, and to laugh at British comedies. And as the years have progressed he has been so supportive of my career, my biggest champion. In fact the moment he retired he became a different person–much warmer, friendlier and encouraging. So perhaps the stress of work was an overriding factor.

Now he can tell the kids he loves them when they call him. He can be appreciative, in fact he tells me almost every day how lucky he is to have married me. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I would agree with everything said so far, and add 'practice kindness.' No matter how much you love someone, there will be days, weeks and sometimes even months where you would just as soon turn the garden hose on your spouse as talk to them. One of the most important things I learned in marriage counseling was to act loving, even when I wasn't feeling it. This does two things: it keeps your determination to make your spouse's life better alive. And, in the principle of fake it until you make it, you find that acting with love helps restore those feelings of love.

The second most important thing I learned was, if things aren't going well, get help! People often comment on what a great marriage Ross and I had. Well, that was because we worked hard at it, including going into couples therapy when necessary. If you have doubts about how well it works, take us as proof: we raised three fantastic children together and made it to our 30th anniversary.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Wow, I think we should go into marriage advice business! We are just a couple of years behind you, Lucy, as we just celebrated our 28th. Rick made me this graphic.

So obviously I agree that a sense of humor is super important, although it's not something that usually tops people's lists when they are looking for "romance."

But just when I am so annoyed at Rick I can hardly stand it, he'll make me laugh, and then whatever I was aggravated over doesn't seem nearly as important. And simple kindness and shared values can't be stressed enough.

How about you Reds? What's been important in your relationships? Or heck, things that haven't worked? Any advice for newlyweds or those out looking?

The Reds Dish with Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of John and me getting married. Thirty years! How did that happen? Last year at this time, John was in the hospital with medical problems, so I feel even more grateful this year. I hoped the Reds might help us celebrate with pictures of their wedding day, and best advice for folks just starting out. (Or really, people in the middle might use this too!)

A wise therapist once told me that there’s not really any such thing as one marriage. You and your spouse embark on what becomes a series of marriages, depending on how each of you might be changing internally, plus changes outside with family challenges, health issues, aging, money, etc. To make it through all this, keep talking, stay kind and calm, and focus on the positive reasons you married this person in the first place.  How about you Reds, advice for newlyweds?

HALLIE EPHRON: I hate to say it, but the most important thing is to get lucky and marry the right person. Not as easy as it sounds. I could have walked off with quite a few Mr. Wrongs.

Jerry was Right and his timing was impeccable. It helps if he’s easy to look at and laughs at your jokes. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I knew Jonathan was the one the moment I saw him. There’s no way else to describe this, and he felt the same way. We were “older,” me 46 and him 56, and I think that meant that we’d both been through a lot of experiences before, and realized not only what mattered, but what didn’t. 

Little stuff does not matter. If we’re feeling cranky, we just say–”I’m feeling cranky, it’s not you”. Individual items do not escalate into “you ALWAYS.”  We are both polite to each other–if someone does something small, like empty the dishwasher, the other always notices it, and remarks on it. We respect each other and we listen to each other. We take turns. I think he is fascinating and brilliant, and yes, he thinks I am funny, which is so important, because I think I’m hilarious but that’s not universally felt.

 We compliment each other every day. We are not one bit competitive with each other (except at Scrabble, another blog), and are truly supportive. We are patient with each other (although it doesn't feel like “patience,”) team players and good friends. We both think we are very lucky. And laughter, right?

JENN McKINLAY: Laughter. I often tell the Hooligans that the only reason that their dad and I are still married is because he makes me laugh. That’s a big part of it, I believe, but even more importantly, when adversity strikes, you have to jump in the fox hole together. Our marriage was a bit unbalanced as Hub suffered some big setbacks in the beginning, and I was always right there at his side. I thought I didn’t need him as much as he needed me. Then a crushing blow hit me, and lo and behold, I discovered my marriage had layers that I’d never even suspected. Hub kept me tethered with infinite kindness and patience, being there for me just like I’d been there for him. My advice? Keep your sense of humor and have each other’s back and you’ll be just fine. 

RHYS BOWEN: We were off to a rocky start as John was raised old school upper-class British–meaning you don’t show your emotions and the husband expects the wife to do the child rearing. He came from such a reserved background, boarding school at age 10, a father who only shook his hand, so I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Now he realizes how much he missed out on, not really knowing his kids. He has had so much more enjoyment from knowing his grandkids.

What has kept us together is sharing basic values on money, religion, ethics. Also we enjoy the same things–we love to travel, we love to get together with family and friends, and to laugh at British comedies. And as the years have progressed he has been so supportive of my career, my biggest champion. In fact the moment he retired he became a different person–much warmer, friendlier and encouraging. So perhaps the stress of work was an overriding factor.

Now he can tell the kids he loves them when they call him. He can be appreciative, in fact he tells me almost every day how lucky he is to have married me. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I would agree with everything said so far, and add 'practice kindness.' No matter how much you love someone, there will be days, weeks and sometimes even months where you would just as soon turn the garden hose on your spouse as talk to them. One of the most important things I learned in marriage counseling was to act loving, even when I wasn't feeling it. This does two things: it keeps your determination to make your spouse's life better alive. And, in the principle of fake it until you make it, you find that acting with love helps restore those feelings of love.

The second most important thing I learned was, if things aren't going well, get help! People often comment on what a great marriage Ross and I had. Well, that was because we worked hard at it, including going into couples therapy when necessary. If you have doubts about how well it works, take us as proof: we raised three fantastic children together and made it to our 30th anniversary.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Wow, I think we should go into marriage advice business! We are just a couple of years behind you, Lucy, as we just celebrated our 28th. Rick made me this graphic.

So obviously I agree that a sense of humor is super important, although it's not something that usually tops people's lists when they are looking for "romance."

But just when I am so annoyed at Rick I can hardly stand it, he'll make me laugh, and then whatever I was aggravated over doesn't seem nearly as important. And simple kindness and shared values can't be stressed enough.

How about you Reds? What's been important in your relationships? Or heck, things that haven't worked? Any advice for newlyweds or those out looking?

_._,_._,_

Advice for a Happy Marriage

LUCY BURDETTE: John and I will be celebrating our 25^th wedding anniversary next week. I feel so grateful to have a husband and a marriage that I can rely on for love, support, and lots of laughs. And that his kids, who were part of the package, have become my beloved family, too. Here we were on that day 25 years ago. #younganddumb

Every marriage has its challenges and heart of ours was probably negotiating a new relationship while becoming a stepfamily. Some statistics show that divorce rates for all marriages lie between 40 to 50%, with second marriages coming in at 60% or higher. There’s a reason for that—it’s hard! The kids have to cope with an upheaval in their lives, loss of their full-time parents, and two sets of rules (if they’re lucky and have both parents involved.) The divorced parents have to grapple with having contact with the parent of their children to whom they are no longer married, often for good reason. The stepparents have to face the reality that a peaceful, orderly life as they knew it has changed. I had been single for seven years when I married John—I had a cute little Cape Cod house, two cats who were always glad to see me and never talked back, and complete control over my schedule and my refrigerator. Making the adjustment was--ahem-- a challenge! #biggestchallengeever #notalwaysgraceful

At one point early in our marriage, we were advised to develop a schedule of positive reinforcement for the kids, where they earned points for things like picking up, cleaning the guinea pig cage, setting the table etc. And then let them choose prizes they could win once they reached a certain point total. We posted all this on the refrigerator. Molly's top choice was a big troll. 

One day John's brother and sister-in-law came over and Margaret noticed the list. In a perfectly flat voice, she looked at John and said: "But Roberta already won the big troll."

Thinking about what I’ve learned over this period of years, I wondered what I would have advised my younger self? #stillworkinprogress #advicefromme

1. If there is a choice, opt for being kind and generous. Corollary to that: How important is the stand you are taking right now? (See Still Working, above...) #channelDalaiLama

2. In tough times, remember the things that attracted you to this person. (Let’s assume for now that these were positive!) Are they still there? #worthfightingfor

3. Every day thank God and Universe for my John! #Lucy'sgotthebigtroll

What's your advice for a happy marriage or partnership?

If You Hadn't Married Harry...

HALLIE EPHRON: My man went to work the other day carrying an empty wine bottle and telephone wire. He teaches physics and the bottle and wire were 'equipment' for a lab he was teaching. He also had his binoculars, just in case a woodpecker he'd heard but not seen from his office showed up again.

I know if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't be such a good cook (because he's such a great eater). I wouldn't be an adventurous traveler and birder. I definitely wouldn't know a thing about baseball, which this year I'm sorry I did (oy vey, those Red Sox).

So what about you, Reds -- if you hadn't married Harry, how would you have been (for better and for worse, richer and poorer, saner and...)?

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh I love that snapshot you drew of Jerry! John just went off to the salt mines (tennis courts) with a backpack full of balls and rackets, wraps on both aging knees, and a bike helmet. Looking like he was 12 years old, which is the way he feels...

I don't even know if I'd have been a writer without him. Which means I wouldn't know any of you! Because my career began with trying to figure out what to do with too much time spent playing bad golf. And the only reason I set foot on the golf course was because I'd fallen for him...

Maybe I would have come to it from another angle, but maybe not. Great question Hallie!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Well, Jonathan just went off to  work with a big leather briefcase, a tiny container of raspberries to put on his Cheerios at his desk, and the goal to finish his brief in which he's representing a guy who has confessed to five murders. The interesting part about that being that it was impossible that he actually committed any of them.

So, sisters, I have lucked into a primo source of mystery plots, as well as in-house counsel and Thursday night cook. (And you know we met when I was feeling particularly bleak about life.)

If I hadn't married Jonathan? Oh, I would not have had this success as a writer, I KNOW that, he's so patient and so encouraging and so enthusiastic (and such a good chauffeur.) Would not have had step-kids and grandchildren--can't beat that!  (Oh, Lucy, the only reason you set foot on a golf course was because of John? That's FABULOUS.)  I love it when the world works.

JAN BROGAN: Bill is an entrepreneur and a risk taker. If it weren't for him, I would never have set foot in a sailboat and weathered some of the conditions that I did.  I  would never have developed this fascination I have for the wives who went on three to four year whaling voyages with their husbands - which is the historical novel I'm working on.  He has also been my go-to guy with pretty much any scene I've ever written involving either a lot of action or equipment. 

He doesn't drive me anywhere, but he can and does fix any computer glitch I have, and believe me, there are A LOT of them.

RHYS BOWEN: Interesting.... I just watched Letters to Juliet with my daughter and she asked if I had any lost love I'd want to find again. I decided that I don't regret parting with any of my former loves. There's certainly no one I'd go in search of again.

John has given me the ability to travel all over the world, taught me how to make curries, and best of all attached me to a family full of weird and wonderful characters for my Royal Spyness books.

And I would never have had those four wonderful, funny, talented children and those delightful grandchildren with whom I've been laughing and playing over Christmas.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Rhys, I did marry my lost love (Long story short: next door neighbors, teenage sweethearts. After seven years together we went our separate ways. He introduced me to my Scottish first husband. A good many years and a divorce later, we got back together. We'll be celebrating our nineteenth anniversary in May. Eeek.)

If I wasn't married to Rick, I'd probably be writing my books on a legal pad:-) He's fixed every computer problem, helped me figure out how to murder countless people in nefarious ways, and has NOT made me a better cook--although I have perhaps made him a slightly less picky eater.

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I agree, Rhys - the first thing I think of when I think of marrying Ross are our children. I mean, I would have had kids if I had married someone else, but they wouldn't be the weird, wonderful, tight-knit Hugo-Vidals.

I, too, have to say I probably wouldn't have a writing career if I had married one of those other guys, because my young lawyer husband was the first man I dated who has his feet on the ground, money in the retirement account, and his shoulder to the wheel. I suspect if I had gotten hitched to one of those impulsive, artistic, impoverished men I dated before Ross, I would have had to be the sensible, benefit-carrying, money-earning one in the marriage. Ross's practicality, organizational skills, and ability to plan ahead freed me to be the creative dreamer in our partnership.

Plus? He bakes pies. Really, who can ask for more?

ROSEMARY HARRIS: This reminds me of the scene in It's A Wonderful Life where George Bailey sees what life would have been like in Pottersville (not Bedford Falls) if he hadn't lived.

I'd be an eccentric, single woman with cats. I'm convinced no one else could ever put up with me and I've gotten bored with every other man I've ever met after 2-3 months.

I'd probably have done everything else the same but without my best pal, staunchest supporter and the best travel companion on the planet. So it would all be...less. Gee...I really have had a wonderful life!

HALLIE: And there you have it. We are a pretty contented lot.

What about you? What would be different if you hadn't (or had) "married Harry"?

The Secret to the Universe

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  It was hideous. Stuck. On on the world's narrowest airline seat o n American flight something-or-other to Chicago--for TWO AND A HALF HOURS.Delayed, plane broken, spirits low. I am basically not a chatty-with-strangers person, but in that sort of situation, fine, I'll talk.  And in this case, I learned something. Nothing less than the secret to the universe. 

What is it you say? Well.

The guy I was sitting next to, professorial, natty, was on his way to deliver a paper to the mucketys at University of Illinois. Turns out, he's the director, and has been for 10 years, of something like the world's longest running study of marriage. At Harvard.  They've interviewed hundreds of people about what makes a happy marriage. And what doesn't.

So I said to him--wow! You know the secret of the universe!

He admitted, he did.

What is it?( I of course asked.)

Forty-two, he said. (You'll recognize Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.)

After he realized I got the allusion, we laughed, and I said, okay, but really, tell me.  

Now usually in a post like this, here's the time I would tell you what he said.
But first--what do YOU think?

HALLIE EPHRON: Oh, I KNOW I KNOW! PICK ME!!
It'a  form of blindness, said the woman married for forty-plus years. We find each other's maddeningly annoying traits adorable.
Plus he eats what I cook and laughs at my jokes. The perfect spouse.

RHYS BOWEN: I've also been married for forty plus years now and sometimes I think staying married is easier than getting divorced because we're so used to each other. But we're on the same wave length. We can finish each other's sentences, say the same thing at the same moment, laugh at the same jokes and enjoy doing the same things. And even better than Hallie's spouse, mine cooks and shops and makes me tea in the mornings. He's also great with money--generous but not wasteful. What more could I want?

ROSEMARY HARRIS: You're all so nice, I'm tempted to say, get 'em when they're old and they don't have enough juice to run around much anymore. But I won't.
We agree on the big stuff - politics, religion, money, sports - but we have a lot of different interests/opinions that we don't necessarily share and I think that keeps us from boring each other.

DEBORAH CROMBIE:Hmm. We've been married eighteen years, but have known each other for--yikes--forty-one years. Can it really be that long?
The big secret to staying together? Integrity, for one. It's hard to stay married to someone you don't trust and don't respect. We agree on most of the big things.
No matter how irritated we may be over little things, we generally get over it pretty fast. He makes me laugh. AND he fixes my computer.  Now if I could just get him to cook and to bring me tea in bed...
Then there's just the general ability to rub along together, which sounds so easy, but isn't. I can't wait to hear what Hank's expert said!

LUCY BURDETTE:  "Feelings, oh, oh oh, feelings..." The secret has to be sharing what you're feeling about life and yourself and your partner and your relationship, but in a kind way. What else could it be? Even John is trained now after 20 years tethered to me. When I ask him what he and his buddies talked about for 5 hours on the golf course, he says: "Our feelings of course. Especially, how we feel about our relationships." :)

HANK: Great guesses. It's pretty interesting. And turns out, there are a couple of secrets. (If I understood correctly!) One is--staying healthy. Healthy spouses have better marriages so stop smoking, eat right, exercise and watch  the drinking.  Also--there seemed to be a correlation in the perception that there were shared positive experiences. And there wasnt much fighting--spouses seemed to realize how the argument would eventually end, so they simply ended it sooner and were fine.  And there's one more thing. What do you think it is, Reds?

 (And as the author of The Other Woman, I can ask you--what do you think Mrs. Petraeus must have said? We'll give a copy of THE  OTHER WOMAN to a lucky commenter!)

( Happy Veterans Day to all, if that's what you say on Veterans Day. We are very grateful.)