My Vision Board

 RHYS BOWEN

Last summer the whole family was together for the first time in ages for a blissful week on the beach. On the last day we sat around the big table making vision boards. It’s something I’ve never done before: I’ve never been good at journal keeping, expressing my feelings on paper (when it’s not one of my characters in fiction). I’ve always hated the sort of small group exercises where you are supposed to share feelings and experiences. I suppose I’m essentially a private person and perhaps I don’t want to confront my feelings or reveal my inner self to the world.

                So the vision board was a big shock to me, because I actually enjoyed it. It was fun sifting through hundreds of glossy magazines, finding that perfect picture—one that spoke to me, resonated with what I wanted for myself. The results for the whole family were stunning. (I should add that while the two male grandchildren worked with us, none of the adult males participated. It’s just not a guy thing, I guess.

                I know that my son and daughter-in-law do this every year on New Year’s Day, setting up their plans, hopes and dreams for the new year. I have always done something similar in a notebook that I keep. Each year I write the year-plan: what I am going to write, where I hope to travel. Resolutions of a sort: this year was STAY HEALTHY, STOP WORRYING at the top of the list.  Each year I go through last year’s plan and resolutions and see what worked and what didn’t. For 2020 there was an awful lot of stuff crossed out.  Cruise to Caribbean? No. House in Torquay, Devonshire for the whole family. No. Channel Islands? No. Conventions? No.  Then last year was pretty much a repeat. No travel, except for that one perfect week.

                So this year I was hesitant to put down any plans. We’ve already cancelled the cruise set for February. I’m still hoping to go to England in September, but we’ll play it by ear. And I’m really keeping my fingers crossed for Malice Domestic and the Edgars. I’m guest-of-honor at one and nominated at the other. How often does that happen? So please, no new theta, phi and omega strains!

                Ironically all my writing has gone so smoothly, with few interruptions. Sales have been brilliant. I won the Agatha last year. Edgar nom this year—so no complaints on that score. But while those successes are great, they are not the things that matter. I miss my friends, my family, my social life of pre-pandemic. A big group sitting around the table, laughing and eating. We did manage this at Christmas but that was before omicron. Since then four family members have had Covid. So have multiple friends. So it’s back to hibernation mode. 

    One thing this pandemic has done is to make us realize what is important in life. How many times have I had my nails done (zero). How much new make-up have I bought? Not much. Am I sad about that? No. So it's the relationships, the friendships, the human interactions that I miss terribly. Nothing else really matters. 

How about you? Do you make vision boards? Year plans? Resolutions? Are you daring to make plans for this year? Have you come to any realizations during the pandemic?

RESOLUTIONS

 RHYS BOWEN: Tis the time for new beginnings, New Year resolutions. Who actually makes them?  I'll join a gym. Lose weight. Read a book a week. Do good deeds. Save the planet...

I have a little notebook in which I write my intention for the year. Recently it's been things like "Learn to slow down. Not get so stressed. Enjoy the success I have. Appreciate friends and family."  One intention I have had in the past is to keep a journal. I've tried this on many occasions. It starts well enough:

"New Year's Day. Chance of rain. Dreary. Don't think we'll walk today. I should purge my clothes closet."

January 2:

January 3: I forgot to write this yesterday. It's raining. Can't go out. Wish we could go back to Arizona sunshine.

January 29: Not much has happened in January....

So you can tell that I'm not really a journal-writing sort of person. I wouldn't haver made a good living as Samuel Pepys. The truth is I've always felt awkward about putting my feelings down on paper. I keep great diaries when we travel, noting and observing costumes and customs, great food, fantastic scenery. But when I get home... nothing again. So I'm not even going to try this year.

I read the other day that fellow writer Laura Lippman comes up with a one word resolution for each year.

I tried to think what mine would be. There was one of those word boards on Facebook and the first three things you see dictate what sort of year you'll have: Mine were gratitude. Create. Love. Sounds good to me.  But if I am to be honest, in the midst of a growing pandemic and craziness in DC, my one word resolution at this very moment is SURVIVE. 

We have put so much energy into just staying alive for the past year. I don't want to let my guard down when the end is in sight. So that still means chatting with my family members across a back garden, all wearing masks. No shopping except senior hour once a week. And daily walks during which we steer a wide berth around other walkers even if they are wearing masks (which 99 percent do in Marin).

Someone posted this adorable picture on Facebook and it just about sums it up, doesn't it?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Survive is good. REMEMBER? PERSEVERE? OPTIMISM? WINE?

 I think we should remember this topic, and six months from now, see what we’re saying. Now that’ll be interesting. 

JENN McKINLAY: I’ve done the one word resolution for years as a writer friend of mine, Holly Jacobs, mentioned that she’d been doing it for years. I’ve always picked words like gratitude, focus, or dream, and then last year I picked abundance. Hub looked at me on New Year’s Day and said, “Don’t pick “abundance” again but if you must, please be more specific that it should be good things.”

HANK: Okay, true, good thought.  Jenn! Let’s ALL pick SPECIFICITY.

HALLIE EPHRON: For years my resolution was PUBLISH A BOOK. I kept it written on a piece of paper in a drawer and then I’d just change the year. This year has been tough and I haven’t written a new book. So I think I’ll retire that scrap of paper. I’ll pick up on Rhys  and Hank’s suggestion: Survive. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I've never been much for big resolutions on the new year. My resolutions are always the same--write in my journal, walk more, write more, write faster… But if I had to pick one word this year, I think it would be PERSEVERE. We've made it through almost ten months of this pandemic. Let's all just hang in there a little bit longer.

LUCY:  I think I'm going with Hank's optimism. Otherwise how to survive in these troubled times.

 JULIA: Two years ago, my word (okay, phrase) was "The One Thing." I was working on figuring out what one thng I needed to get done that day and stick to it. My word at the beginning of 2020 was "Organize" but as soon as I got sick at the end of January it became "Self Care" and I've pretty much stuck with that. Chocolates? Self care. Spend the afternoon reading? Self care. 

 

The beginning of this year has been SO harried, both personally (lots of family-related stuff) and psychologically (uh, everything happening outside my doors) that I haven't sat down to plan my year and try to come up with a theme or word for it. Maybe "Agoraphobia?"

RHYS: Okay, dear readers, do you have a one word resolution for this crazy year ahead?

And after what we've been through this week, I think this is good advice....

Staying Calm

RHYS BOWEN: Has anybody managed to stay calm during the past couple of weeks? I know I haven’t. My nerves have been ready to snap at any point. I’ve tried to stay away from news and social media but then I am sucked in again and the anxiety rises. Usually I write this Monday post a week ahead, giving my fellow Reds time to chime in. But how could I say anything when we were holding our breath? 

Now I'm breathing again but it was touch and go, wasn't it? We walk every morning at the ponds by the San Francisco Bay--lovely and calm start to the day! I looked at my phone on the way back from my walk yesterday morning and had to double check before I believed what I was seeing.  "He's won," I yelled.

 So during the last six months and especially during the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking of ways to stay calm. My son, the life coach and healer, advises me to try journaling. I’m supposed to write down three things I am worrying about and three things that I can do about them. Then let them go. Doesn’t work for me. I come up with a list longer than three and worry about them even more. 

 Years ago John bought me a fish tank and tropical fish—supposed to be so relaxing. They were beautiful. But then he bought me a book on fish diseases and parasites. Oh no—does that fish have Ick? Does it have fin rot? Why is it swimming in circles? Is that one resting or dead? Heart rate rising…

 Recently I’ve been doing two things that have worked. I escape to a small beachfront area on the San Francisco Bay called China Camp (it’s where Chinese fishermen settled when they were driven out of the city). I sit on the sand, listen to the lap of waves, watch distant boats and sea birds. I’ve only just been able to return there as it became horribly popular all summer. Now the kids are back in school and I can reclaim my own territory! 

 The other thing I do is listen to sleep stories on the Calm App. Brilliant. I like the ones about train journeys best. The reader has a deep, soothing voice and he starts in the station, describing the interior of the sleeping car and then off we go into the night… and I’ve never yet managed to stay awake to the destination, be it the Orient Express, The Blue Train or the Trans Australia. 

OH, and looking at my photos of past trips, reliving in my mind. I absolutely love the LIVE photos. Really feel that I am there again. Hooray for iPhone.

 So what are your suggestions for staying calm? 

JENN McKINLAY: I clean, obsessively. Oven, toilets, patio furniture, nothing is safe from me and my bucket and sponge! This doesn’t seem anywhere near as fun as your strolls on the beach or train stories on the Calm app, Rhys, but you could eat off my floors. Wait, I have three cats and two dogs. No, you can’t!

(Rhys: Jenn I'd have to be extremely stressed before I cleaned obsessively!)

 HALLIE EPHRON: Jigsaw puzzles! Occupies the mind completely. Jerry and I are on #20. We just finished three vintage World War II puzzles--fighter pilots and blazing guns and handsome muscular soldiers. The pieces don’t lock together so very challenging--bump into the table and you might have to start over. Next we’ll start on a Paris street scene puzzle that anonymous friends left on our front steps. THANK YOU! I’m thinking of sponsoring a puzzle sharing derby on my front lawn. Leave one, take one… Up to three missing pieces are acceptable but it’s got to have its box. Doing a puzzle without a picture of the end game is above my pay grade. 

 LUCY BURDETTE: The puzzle sharing derby is a great idea Hallie! The pets are calming of course, unless puking in their travel carriers LOL. And I find reading about recipes very calming, particularly scrolling through the NY Times cooking app. And then baking works too--we’ve decided not to fret about a few pandemic pounds. Will wait on that until things get back to normal. And one more, dropping into the Danish world of the TV show BORGEN. I absolutely love this show, especially the main character, a woman who’s the Prime Minister of Denmark. 

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Rhys, I had to laugh at your description of your stress journaling: “I come up with a list longer than three and worry about them even more.” This sounds like me. I’ve been listening to a great podcast by Brooke Castillo (hat tip to Jessica Ellicott, who got me started.) She runs the Life Coach School, and the podcast is all about managing your mind to create feelings that support the life you want to live, and about channeling your actions to get the results you want. Which I am all good with, until she talks about worry. “Worry is never a necessity. It can’t change anything.” Unfortunately, every time I try to “manage my thoughts” about worry, I just have MORE thoughts of things to worry about! My one sure-fire escape is reading. I’ve been digging into some extremely absorbing creepy/horror novels that for some reason are hitting me just right at this point in time. Maybe it’s the comfort that, sure, things are bad in the world right now, but at least malevolent spirits from beyond the grave aren’t trying to kill me? 

Rhys: I have found it very hard to read. I've resorted to re-reading old favorites or books that I know will be comforting and end well. How about you?)

 DEBORAH CROMBIE: For me, just trying to stick to the normal daily routine helps. Walking the dogs is a big one. It helps so much to get outside, to get exercise, and there's no space for worry when you are trying to keep two big dogs in line! I have been reading, too, but very distractedly. What has absolutely been my saving grace the last few months is my nightly bath just before bed. I listen to my audio book in the tub, and lately I've been setting the sleep timer and continuing the book once I get into bed. This is a big departure from lifelong bedtime reading for me, but I find I can't worry when I'm listening! 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Yes, Lucy, Borgen. Yay! We have to stop ourselves from watching it so it doesn’t run out. Relaxation, though. Ah. Not managing that at all. AT ALL. (I am on word 104, 312. YAY! Now I just have to figure out how it ends. La dee dah.) I have never been this busy, and my only relaxation is reading before I go to sleep, and the spelling bee puzzle in the Sunday NY Times. Well, sometimes I just walk up and down our driveway, and look at the flowers (now faded) and oh! Picking our tomatoes. SO great. We picked hundreds, and I am not exaggerating, before the snow . Now we have BOXES of green cherry tomatoes. We love them,

Rhys: Hank, I've found the views from our balcony very comforting. We have sat out there on warm evenings and listened to the sounds of the valley below us--laughter and music and the eight o'clock howl, honoring the doctors and nurses. 

So, dear friends, what have you found comforting during these tough months?

 

Words of Wisdom for Tough Times.

RHYS BOWEN: I had planned something quite different for today. A bit of humor. But then I realized what a great resource I had to share. My son is a life-coach and healer and has been giving daily talks to help us get through this horrible time. So I asked him to share some tips today.

DOMINIC QUIN-HARKIN

 The Next Home-Based Gym – Your Journal

Although our days are consumed by hours of “productive” stay-at-home activities—Snipping nose hairs, glaring out the window like an uninterested cat, making snacks out of peanut butter and banana—Who knew you could find so much enjoyment out of these? But then you start to notice a noise. You check the hallway, the kitchen, outside your window, but nothing’s there.

So you pick up your book and read, or you pick up your computer and write. And usually, these activities can behave as a glorious escape from the “Real World”. As you are immersed into another world of murder, fantasy, dystopia, or passion, it all seems to be comforting, relaxing, and sometimes titillating. But then you put down the book, you put down the computer. And in the silence, it starts again.

And you finally close your eyes and start to become completely aware that some of these noises are coming from your chest area… your sinuses, your forehead…and your hands are shaking. This is your emotional body trying to express itself. Tension across your forehead and a pit on your stomach lead the charge, but there are a slew of other emotional states just chomping at the bit to get your attention.

In this extraordinary time, we are being forced to BE indoors, BE with a few other people only, BE alone. And guess who else is with us?? Our thoughts, fears, and worries. We have to finally BE with ourselves, and all of the internal communication our bodies have been doing to get our attention. Our emotions are right there, and they’re begging to be recognized and expressed. Our emotional states right now are one of fatigue and exhaustion.

And what are we doing to recover mentally or emotionally on a daily basis to keep us balanced? What habits or tasks do we have for mental or emotional maintenance? If you look at an athlete, after a long day of practice, he or she ices for 20 min, stretches, rotator cuff exercises, core work, ices again, knowing that this is what is necessary to perform tomorrow at the highest stakes.

And reading about psychoses and syndromes doesn’t help. We’ll spend so much time talking about an emotion to ourselves, our therapist, our friends, and our families, that sometimes we’re just too damn smart for our own good. We talk ABOUT our emotions as though we’re 2 parents talking about a child when the child is sitting RIGHT THERE.

Emotions are like little anxious children in a classroom raising their hands frantically, waiting to be called on. And as we ignore them, they get louder, and louder, and louder. They fill our muscles, our tissues, our organs; and toxic emotion is the source of Dis-Ease in the body.

So, in order to get our mental/emotional states back to a place of strength and calm, we need to create a recovery period, with exercises to do, on a daily basis, in order to maintain and reach an optimal health. Something to do today, so we can feel good tomorrow. Journaling is one of those exercises that will support your mental health, clear some of that emotional sludge that seems overwhelming.

Journaling Techniques –

To form a nightly recovery routine, Journaling can be a very healthy and effective way to manage your emotions, and to release them on a daily basis. Journaling can be a lengthy process if you choose it to be. It can also be a very simple process, consisting of only two sentences: What I liked about today, and how I’d like tomorrow to go. These are very easy ways to get your mindset in a healthy way to recover and be ready for the next morning. But if you'd like to have more in-depth tools to help releasing some of the emotions that have been bubbling and squeaking inside of you, then here are some tools that can focus on releasing the held emotions and mental thoughts that I've just been begging to be recognized and let go.

Write Fears and worries   - What I want instead

When you recognize your fears and worries, in effect you “call” on them to let them be recognized, so they can put their hand down and subside. My mother expressed worry that she never wanted to write her fears at the possibility that they come true. My response was that “In your head, they’re already true.”. Also if you take these BIG FEARs in your head, and write them in very small print, then you can begin to see that they are really nothing more than some squiggly lines on a page. And if they’re still big, crumple up the page. And if they’re still big, then burn it (safely) in your fireplace.

 Writing fears and worries give you a chance to see them and then focus your mind and what you would like instead.

On page 1,

“I am scared that_______________ (the virus will grow, I’ll have no toilet paper, etc.)”

“I worry that _________________ (one of my family members get ill)

On page 2, write how you would like to feel instead.

“I would like to feel _____________ (confident that we’ll get control of the virus / trusting that I’m safe from my sanitation behaviors)”

“I would like to have faith that our family will be taken care of”

I was speaking with my mom on the phone who has never journaled, and after the 1^st night, she said she had the best sleep she’s had in a long time. My father chimed in to say “what on earth did you do to your mother for her to sleep so well?” I told him to write his fears, and he said, “I already have 2 beers.” “No, Dad, FEARS. Write your FEARS.” “Why do I need to do that when I can have 2 beers, and I sleep just fine?”

Emotional Piggybank – Withdrawals and Deposits

If you can see your mental/emotional state as a balance in your mind-body, with negative thoughts, people, articles and experiences having a negative value. Then look at the moments of joy, smiles, small victories and abundance, and those have a positive value. At the end of the day, do you have a negative or positive value? The goal is to use the journal to make Withdrawals and Deposits. Withdraw all of the negative thoughts, fears, and experiences from your day. And when you deposit, deposit all of the “Positive Evidence” that was a part of your day.

Withdrawals – “I’m afraid that… I’m worried that…” That interaction with my neighbor, yuck, that news conference made me angry.

Deposits – “I ended up cleaning the yard today. I cooked a good meal. My kid thanked me. I had a great walk with my family. I just love my wife, she’s really being a trooper. I’m so grateful that we have toilet paper and food.”

By doing this, you can get to a positive balance, and day by day, little by little, knowing that each night, you’re withdrawing those negative experiences so you can start the next day with a better balance.

What Ifs? And What would I Do’s? - Writing the Story to the End-

If you are a writer, then you already have a good imagination. I can probably guess that you are some of the best worriers out there. Worry is a waste of a wonderful imagination. It takes real creativity to think I’m not home yet because an oil tanker crossed the center divider and …. “Oh, you’re home…”

 The problem with worries is that you start thinking the worst case scenario, but then you stop. “Oh I shouldn’t think about that.” But you already have. It’s in there. But it’s missing a hero, and an ending.

One of the techniques I use with my clients is to write out the rest of the story.  The following was an interaction I had with my wife going through the process with me.

“I’m afraid that you will get ill with the virus. And then you'll get worse. And then I'll have to take care of you. And then you'll pass away. And then I’ll have to bury you. And then I'll have to be by myself. I'll have to figure it out where you left all the passwords and how to pay the bills.”

And I say, “Would you still have your mother and sister?

“Yes.”

“Would you call them? You would have support through this?”

“Yes I guess I would.”

And I ask, “Is that as bad as you thought it was?”

“No, not as bad.”

IFs and BUTs

This connects to your underlying conditions on being happy, or of being in acceptance of your situation. If we are in a state of resistance where we are, then it's hard to see where we can get to from there. But using If’s and But’s, you're looking at restrictions you have on your happiness. When you say “I would be much more confident that we're going to get through this, but, I just don't have faith in anyone in government.” Just by saying this and putting down your IF’s and your BUT’s down on paper, you allow your conditions to be recognized and release them. And as you release them then you get to more of a state of acceptance of where you are with a direct road toward your happiness, without all the conditions that we as humans can put.

Making Commands

The last thing I’ll talk about today is called Making Commands. When you make commands, you are telling yourself and the universe how you would like your next day to go. By saying, “I command my day to flow with ease and Grace tomorrow,” then you were telling the world that it wouldn't just be a nice option, it means this is something you really want and you want to the universe to know that. Not only that but you're telling yourself that you really want it. Try making a few commands of how you would like to feel the next day, the type of success you'd like to have, how you would like to respond to people who are angry at you or frustrated. Just by putting down on paper how you like the day to go makes it very easy for you actually to achieve that..

In all, these are just tools that can be used any given night as a part of a recovery routine. If we can be so purposeful about when we get up, what we eat, what exercise we do, then we definitely have the ability to be mindful about what words we say, what emotions were holding onto, and how we want our next day to go.   When this happens we can start focusing on our health from an inside-out approach, and not just the physical outside-in view. And then very soon we can look forward to sitting in the silence, and just hear silence.

RHYS: I hope these are as helpful to you as they are to me. Dom and his wife Meredith post a new walk and talk every morning that I share on my Facebook page. Here is his info

Dominic Quin-Harkin is an Energy Healer, Massage Therapist, Life Coach, and speaker. His focus is to bring awareness and coping skills of mental and emotional states, and the psychosomatic effects emotions have on the body. To learn more, you can see his postings and teachings at 

www.facebook.com/imhealingsf

Email : dominic@imhealingsf.com