Saturday, July 11, 2020

Be Happy! Hitting pause with Scott Haas's guide to "ukeiru"


HALLIE EPHRON: It should come as no surprise that self-help books are strong sellers during the pandemic. After all, in lockdown, what choice do we have but to become our own best friend?

A timely addition to the genre is Scott Haas’s Why Be Happy. Today we’re happy(!) to welcome Scott to talk about his guide to the Japanese idea of “ukeiru.”

Happiness: Is it a matter of struggling to find happiness, or something else entirely?

SCOTT HAAS: Why Be Happy is about finding contentment and peace in a harried world. By practicing the Japanese idea of ‘ukeireru’, we learn to pause and accept the situations life throw at us before deciding upon a course of action, helping us to become less reactionary and act from a more grounded place.

Ukeireru is a unique skill that reframes our mindset and brings peace to those who practice.

Ukeireru is a word used in Japan to describe the acceptance of people and things around us. Not a cultural experience, but a way of life. Accepting that our place in the world depends on our relationships with our families, communities, and nature, we understand that our happiness depends on the happiness of others.

Many of us in the U.S. base our well-being on personal happiness. While stress is certainly experienced due to private matters, its causes are often systemic and institutional. We may start by achieving the calm necessary to create change and work toward being happy, but then it is necessary to take that renewal of strength and address what caused our stress in the first place.

This is how ukeireru works: Acceptance as a way of life that offers the potential for change.

We are hard-wired as human beings to be empathic. When our families are unhappy, we are unhappy. That empathy, whether we are aware of it or not, is also present in our relationships to the communities we live in.

We may be capable of blocking out empathic feelings so that we can continue to feel entitled to all our stuff, but the knowledge that others are suffering, whether we are aware of it day- to-day or not, can erode our sense of well-being.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. noted, a few years before he was murdered by a white supremacist, “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”

The first way to create well-being associated with ukeireru is to observe what’s going on around you. Contrary to introspection, observation of the world — our environment, communities, how people live, how economic systems shape our most intimate desires and fears — is necessary before anything else.

This means that we must work hard to create awareness. Not just thinking about what we want, or our own moms and dads, but what others want and their upbringing.

Before you can change a situation, accept it for what it is. Don’t deny it, don’t distract yourself. Accept reality.

As Michelle Obama wrote in her memoir,Becoming: “It was possible, I knew, to live on two planes at once—to have one’s feet planted in reality, but pointed in the direction of progress. . . . You got somewhere by building that better reality, if only in your own mind. . . . You may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be.”

Having observed and accepted the reality of the situation, the second way toward creating well-being is to use your imagination.

Long before imagining anything, long before offering your opinion, you must observe and accept the world. Then, ironically, as jazz great Kenny Garrett says, “Push the world away.” Imagine making things new.Make the happiness of others your priority.

The third way: Accept that change in nature is always incremental. Even an earthquake or volcanic explosion is the result of years of slow, unseen changes beneath the surface. Our task now is to identify what’s happening, what is already in progress, and to latch onto or lead changes that are already taking place.

This requires logic and patience, but especially patience — never easy, even under the best of circumstances, but especially difficult during a crisis.

Finally, be aware of this fundamental observation: Nothing in nature is static. What seems true today, because it has been propagated by authorities, could be shown to be a lie tomorrow.

Adopting the way of life that ukeireru can provide, you are better able to ask three questions that can lead to remarkable results in diminishing the stress of living today:

+ Seriously consider the impact your decisions make on others.
+ Consider if the best decision is not to decide at this moment.
+ Create deep awareness around the sources of the thoughts and emotions that inform your personal decisions.

Ukeireru is a way of life, a pragmatic outlook that helps us to tap into our empathic nature. Having achieved a measure of calm through observation and acceptance, you are now in a position to ask questions that are about the present, and equipped to see what time it is: The time is now.

HALLIE:
Observation and acceptance. I confess neither of these are my strong suit. What about you? Does ukeireu seem like what these times require? What do you need to change in your life in this time of private and public stress? 


Scott Haas is a writer and clinical psychologist and the author of four books. The winner of a James Beard award for his on-air broadcasts on NPR's Here and Now, he holds a Ph.D. from the University of Detroit and he did his doctoral internship at Massachusetts Mental Health Center, a Harvard Medical School teaching hospital. He works in Japan three to four times each year. He is based in Cambridge, MA. Right now he's working on a crime novel set in Japan.

38 comments:

  1. This is an intriguing concept, Scott . . . thanks for sharing it with us. And congratulations on the new book.

    Hallie, while I think I might be able to manage the “observation and acceptance” part, the “patience” part is far more likely to be my downfall. And finding a way to be more patient is probably the change I need in my life . . . it’s certainly something worth striving for

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    1. I'm short on patience too, Joan.
      Scott's descriptions made me think about whether there's a connection between what we call meditation and ukeiru. Letting go. Living in the moment.

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  2. I can certainly see the need for community empathy all around. Every day we are asked to put ourselves in someone else's shoes. Imagine what it's like to be Black in America, or a cop in a chaotic public situation, or an elderly person whose health could be endangered by a disease you don't take seriously. We are all hurting on so many different levels. Immigrants are fleeing desperate situations at home, only to be met hostile barriers where they hoped to find sanctuary. The earth itself is burdened by thoughtless pollution and waste.

    I think sometimes people retreat into themselves just because if they open themselves to empathy with all the world's problems, they are overwhelmed by all that needs to be fixed. I have to shut the big picture out on a regular basis and simply focus on what's on the plate in front of me. I can't travel to the Rio Grande Valley to help in immigrant camps, but I can help one child of immigrants finish high school and get into college. I can't rescue all the strays or shut down all the puppy mills, but I can help this one dog find a better home. Empathy on a small, local scale can certainly make my life happier.

    I have also observed that the most unhappy people I know are the ones who resist reality. I used to work with a woman who wasted hours of angst on the fact that her colleagues did not live up to her high personal standards of professional behavior. My mantra is "play with the team you're on," which translates to "Sure, it would be great if we had an all-star lineup, but we have Bill, Fred, and Sarah, so let's see what we can do with them." Our coworkers were actually bright, responsible people who simply didn't share her detailed vision of professionalism. She could give them all the growth opportunities she wanted, but they were always going to disappoint her because she didn't accept them for who they were and value the strengths they had.

    Reality has a super-annoying way of being itself, no matter how hard we wish it was different. Unless you learn to be a part of reality, and play with the team you're on, you'll always be unhappy.



























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    1. By the way, I think this giant white space under my comment is due to a kitten, standing on my keyboard. I certainly didn't intend for it to be there. Sorry!

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    2. All is forgiven with a kitten on your keyboard!!

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    3. "Play with the team you're on." Those are great words to live by, Gigi, and applicable from the smallest situation to the largest.

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  3. Love this: "Reality has a super-annoying way of being itself, no matter how hard we wish it was different."

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  4. The delicious irony of the book is that it's actually not self-help; it's help others. We experience stress as personal and familial, but its causes are systemic and institutional.
    For example, The French-Martinique psychiatrist Frantz Fanon, writing in, “Black Skin, White Masks,” described it well: “We are driven from the individual back to the social structure. If there is a taint, it lies not in the ‘soul’ of the individual, but rather in that of the environment.” Then, too, the French film director Olivier Assayas writes of, “the very undertone of consumer society, the colonized unconscious, and it is evident that that consumption of books and articles that focus strictly on helping the self are fundamentally a part of that colonization." We might better focus our energies on causative factors. It is exhausting to do that, as Gigi points out, and that's why we need calm to do it.

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  5. Interesting concepts, Scott.

    While I agree that humans are empathic, we also tend to be self-centered and selfish in order to justify our actions.

    This pandemic forced many of us to stop our normal activities. During the lockdown, we were able to observe what was going on in our community, country and the rest of the world in a unique way.

    So what have we learned and how do we go forward? We can either make fundamental changes in the world and how we and the rest of society functions or we can stubbornly work towards resuming our status quo activities and previous way of life.

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  6. I completely agree, Grace. I've been writing about that on a book project, and think a lot about this final line from, "The Archaic Torso of Apollo," by Rilke: "There is no place
    that does not see you. You must change your life."

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  7. Thank you for bringing the concept to the West, Scott. I will enjoy reading it. One assumes you will discuss the back ground for this cultural mindset, such as Dogen's writings. Otherwise it might be like discussing rain without mentioning the cloud.

    A neighborhood does not survive by fighting among the group, nor does a neighborhood survive by fighting against another group. Acceptance does not mean no change of behavior, rather it serves as a starting place to transform behavior. Thanks for listening, and welcome to JRW's.

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    1. One chapter is called: "What Would Dogen Do?" Re acceptnce, the book quotes Michelle Obama: It’s like Michelle Obama wrote in her memoir, Becoming:
      “It was possible, I knew, to live on two planes at once—to
      have one’s feet planted in reality, but pointed in the direction
      of progress. . . . You got somewhere by building that better
      reality, if only in your own mind. . . . You may live in the
      world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it
      should be.”

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    2. Bowing to you and wandering off to order your book.

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    3. I love this Michelle Obama quote. But the worse the news, the harder it feels to be working on the "world as it should be" stuff...

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    4. Hi, Roberta! I'm taking the long view...or trying to take the long view...

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  8. Do you think we (Americans) are capable of such a fundamental change? Feels as if we live in such a me-me-me world

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    1. Change always happens incrementally. In nature, even a dramatic event, like a volcanic eruption, is the result of years of slow, unseen changes. Change is taking place right now. This dialogue is part of that change.

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    2. Hallie, I've been thinking the same thing, but I wonder if we are beginning to see a tide of change, of more compassion and empathy. Does that fall under "observation," Scott?

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    3. I agree about the increased empathy, to be sure; BLM, for example. What I mean by observation is the way that trying to suss out the demands that nature or situations place on us; trying to figure out less of self than of surroundings; less opinions, more observations. So, here's an example: I was talking to a friend in Tokyo. We were looking at the tall buildings. "An American writer might typically say or he or she feels about the buildings. While a Japanese writer might typically describe the actual buildings." The first way, we know more about the writer; the second way, we know more about the buildings. Of course, and this is what the book intends, a synthesis or balance may be most illuminating.

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  9. Thanks for being here, Scott, and presenting this concept. Like so many, I'm having difficulty dealing with the world as it is at present, full of death and desolation.

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    1. Ann, I couldn't agree more...I look to the Civil Rights movement for strength. Gandhi brought down an empire in a dhoti.

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  10. This is so thought-provoking! Thank you! A friend and I were talking about this the other day, and wondered whether there was an element of people deciding that “happiness “meant getting what they wanted. and that people felt as if there was a right to have that., And if they didn’t get what they wanted, they were allowed to be angry. And the personal good so outweighed the greater good.
    I am most at peace when I am looking at my garden now, a part of my life that I did not have before the pandemic. Testerday I said to my husband: drop everything! We have a cucumber! and we both burst out laughing.
    Every night, before we go to sleep, we go outside and look at the stars, or sit on the front porch and just have a quiet conversation. I used to look at the sky all the time, that is my method to ground myself, but now we do it together, and it is different and changed.
    Thank you so much for your wonderful post!

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    1. Yup: From the book--Jackie Robinson said, “A life is not important except in
      the impact it has on other lives." What does it mean to accept a state of letting go and put
      others’ needs before yours? Japan is not the only country that
      prioritizes selflessness, but it is a place that uses this concept
      to inform how it structures and maintains institutions and
      systems.It’s not about being happy. It’s about learning to live with
      disappointment, making others safe, and developing insight
      that helps you understand that happiness flees when there is
      loss. What’s lost must be accepted.
      After all, why be happy when there is so much work that
      still needs to be done?...

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    2. I'm wondering if we could look at the countries that have done well with the pandemic and see that those are the ones (along with Japan) that prioritize selflessness? or is it all a function of leadership?

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    3. Hank, I'm finding the small things in my garden almost heart-breakingly beautiful these days, too. Maybe it is good that our lives have slowed down.

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  11. Hank, that is a great question. I have observed many different kinds of people in my lifetime. It never ceases to surprise me that there is always someone who is NOT happy even though they got everything they wanted. And there are people who are happy with what they have.

    Agreed that this is thought provoking.

    Diana

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    1. Exactly...I tend to be like Pollyanna in Hell, from a New Yorker cartoon: "No more winter coats!"

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  12. Scott, this is thought provoking. I wonder if "Observe" includes Awareness? Observe and Acceptance are things to think about.

    Diana

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    1. Diana: That's right; I mean, observation includes awareness and precedes acceptance. Here's an example of the different consciousness in Japan--Hayao Kawai, a great Japanese psychologist, gave a superlative
      example of how the difference plays out. In his book
      Buddhism and the Art of Psychotherapy, Dr. Kawai writes that a
      typical Japanese speaker will apologize before giving a speech,
      and say, “I have to begin by saying that I am not qualified to be
      a lecturer here and have no knowledge that allows me to talk
      about psychotherapy.” That’s because “when people in Japan
      gather in one place, they share a feeling of unity, regardless
      of whether they have known each other before or not. One
      should not stand alone, separated from others.” Dr. Kawai
      contrasts this group identity with a typical US speaker who
      will often begin a speech with a joke, “enabling all the people
      there, by laughing together, to experience oneness.”

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  13. What a timely post. Life has handed me an awful lot to accept, lately, and I have noticed that I am working towards it by trying to ease the burden of others. My family sustained an unexpected loss that rocked us to the core. My response has been to try and manage everyone else's pain by sending food or flowers or tokens of remembrance. I realize by throwing my energy into lifting other's spirits, I'm attempting to lift my own. Sometimes it works and sometimes not so much, but I am definitely picking up your book and shifting my focus not to lifting spirits so much as getting to acceptance. I suspect it will be a long journey. Thank you for sharing this today. Much appreciated.

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  14. Hi, Jenn, Wow, are you the nicest person! Thanks for the kind words, and what a blessing that you have people to care for. Yup, a long journey. The day after the election results in November, 2016, I was in the locker room at my gym. A pretty famous civil rights activist, a man in his late 60's was there, too. "Well, Walter," I said...He said, "We have a long road ahead of us."

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    1. And he was so right, Scott. I think the past three and a half years have aged me!

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  15. I also recommend a book called Trying Not to Try.

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  16. THANKS to all, and esp. Hallie & Roberta, for arranging this. What a great way to spend a day during these historical times...!!!

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  17. SO wonderful to see you here--and think of the lives you changed just today!

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    1. I think I was the beneficiary, Hank...such positive vibes...like a dinner party, remember those?

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