Sunday, July 26, 2020

The Rhys Bowen Pandemic Olympics

RHYS BOWEN:

Those of you who know me realize that I am a sports nut. I watch any kind of sport—I attend spring training for the Giants at Scottsdale Stadium, I watch my granddaughters play water polo, live or on TV, I watch football, baseball, golf, swimming, gymnastics. To show you how desperate I have become I watched an hour’s program on competitive stone lifting in Scotland. Apparently big hairy men try to lift 300 pound rocks they find lying around in fields. Not my favorite sport.


You probably can guess how disappointed I am that the Olympics are not taking place at this moment in Japan. There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Giants and As played a pre-season game last night. With fake crowd noise and cardboard cutouts of fans in the stadium seats. Plus two giant teddy bears (one of whom had fallen asleep).

So I decided to hold my own Olympics. I am proud to say that I now own several international records.

Speed events:
Cup and pee: Put cup of tea in microwave, press start, run to bathroom to pee, return before microwave beeps (having washed hands correctly) I have achieved this remarkable feat not once but several times. (NO PIX SUPPLIED FOR OBVIOUS REASONS)

Unload cutlery from dishwasher. 38 seconds. (And we only run dishwasher every 3 days so an impressive feat of speed and dexterity with every knife, fork and spoon in correct slot)

Twenty yard uphill dash (should be considered a sport for next Olympics):  Sprint up stairs from office when I think I hear Amazon Prime dropping a package into box outside front door.) 7 seconds is current record.


Dexterity and Strength events:
I assembled a new patio umbrella for our upstairs balcony, with only minimal help from spouse. (actually minus help. No, you’re holding it backwards. It needs to go the other way around. THE OTHER WAY AROUND…)

Strength events:
Sand carry.  Carry 110 pounds of sand up to said balcony to fill the weighted stand for umbrella. An impressive feat on a hot day.

Endurance events:
Three Zoom sessions in one day. That is a lot of smiling and looking relaxed and competent. Cheek massage needed afterward.

Dexterity Events:
Put polish on own toenails without going over the edges.
Cut own hair.
Cut spouse’s hair.
(these definitely demonstrate more skill than the balance beam or target shooting)

So let’s hear your Pandemic Olympic feats! Which sport do you miss most?

70 comments:

  1. I am chuckling, Rhys . . . although I’d watch gymnastics if there were Olympic games being broadcast, dare I admit that I’m not missing sports in this strange summer season?

    Olympic feats? Well, I’m not particularly sports-minded, but I’m with you on the hair cutting, both my spouse’s and my own for the Dexterity Events . . . .

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  2. So funny, Rhys. I am not a big sports nut, but I would be watching the Olympics - gymnastics, swimming, diving, equestrian events at least.

    My sports? Ah. We just completed a move from Florida to Maine. I am earning a black belt in locating necessary boxes in the stack in the garage and unpacking them. I've also excelled at putting together the new office chair (dexterity?)

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    1. I’m so glad you are safely out of Florida. And anyone who has moved house has completed an Olympics!

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  3. Fun! The only sport I miss is my beloved Boston Marathon (watching it, not running...), plus the Olympics marathon. I still remember seeing Joanie Benoit win the LA marathon in the first women's event ever.

    My own records, hmm. Friday I picked six pounds of blueberries in an hour, two-handed (would have been faster but I stopped to take a good-news call from my agent and could only pick one-handed). I finaled in the same haircutting event as you did. I almost medaled in getting the heaviest box of alcohol from the car to the house, but I had to stop to divide it in half before attempting the stairs. Today I will go for a gold in the Courage to Clean Office event, something that takes great valiance!

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    1. Indeed. I ALWAYS stop what I'm doing when his name comes up on my phone. ;^)

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  4. Loved this, Rhys! Not much of a sports fan at all but I am definitely impressed with your medals.

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  5. Oh wouldn't it be amazing to be watching the Olympics right now? It would be the best distraction ever...

    My only event is puppy wrangling, and I believe I've got the gold, but will see what Ann Mason comes up with. Wake up like a shot at four am at the sound of whining, scoop the puppy out of the carrier, and whisk her off to pee before there's an accident. It sounds easy but not so much:)

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    1. I've been kitten wrangling for a few weeks, but so far his litter box is in the upstairs bathroom off the big room he is confined to downstairs, so at least we don't have wakeup calls! Doing no-biting training is pretty challenging, though.

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    2. Did I misunderstand? His litter box is upstairs but he's confined to a big room downstairs? Hmm. Glad that's working out.

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    3. Arg - just saw that. No, the downstairs bathroom!

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  6. I'm with Lucy Roberta. The main sport at our house is puppy wrangling. We should call each other at 4 am while we are sitting on the toilet waiting and watching Lottie and Sergeant Pepper sniffing around in the bathtub for their middle of the night potty efforts.

    The other Olympic events at our house include but are not limited to:

    1. Penny juggle. This involves several tennis balls, tossing them in the air one at a time, to be caught by Penny and thrown back, no kidding. Her current record is 12 catches in a row, and any misses are because I threw it too high/too low/too behind the couch.

    2. Tree sniffing: This involves a long lead, a Penny Lane, and a handler. That would be me. Best done in the morning before it gets hot and when others are out with their dogs. Soon Sergeant Pepper will join us, after he's had all his shots.

    3. Dinner Dash: Penny is the champ, even with her bowl that is supposed to slow eating. She's hanging in there at 45 seconds. No one in this house can begin to compete with her.

    Today is the day I'm breaking out the video that I everso faithfully used to exercise too every morning. I've definitely added the Covid 19, and daily walks aren't helping at all. Nor have a those loaves of bread I've baked. Or that tub of guacamole and pan of enchiladas verde I made last night.

    Re Lucy Roberta and the gold, gold pee on the carpet doesn't count. Sergeant Pepper has been in residence for 48 hours now, without one accident. Bring it on, Lottie!

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    1. Do you two ladies need a timer, or line judge, or anything? I'll bet even the warm mornings of Rochester are cooler than Texas.

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    2. It was 64 when I got up at seven

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    3. And once the plague passes, we will start field trials. You can expect all sorts of job offers

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  7. Bravo for your achievements Rhys ! You made me smile.
    I have a question : how long do you microwave your tea ? LOL
    I'm not missing sport and I'm not very competitive.
    I picked raspberries many times in the last weeks and now, it is the turn of blueberries.

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    1. One minute. Yes it’s an impressive feat. In fairness I use the hall bathroom next to the kitchen

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  8. Rhys, I had tears from laughing! When the teddy bear fell asleep I lost it.

    I thought I was going to medal in blackberry picking this year, but Steve lapped me, massively. He picked about 20 pounds on his own. So now I'm pulling away in another event, food preservation. Plain jam, savory jam, syrup, pie filling, and freezing and dehydrating, too.

    We need Puppy Olympics. No face masks necessary.

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    1. Impressive blackberry picking and I wish I was closer for the jam. Also in England blackberry and apple pie was a favorite
      And definitely puppy Olympics

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    2. Wish I could share. It turned out well this year. And so did the new kind, honey-thyme blackberry. We grilled a venison loin with it this past week. Fabulous.

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    3. Ooooh, Karen, honey thyme blackberry sounds fabulous!

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  9. Rhys, I am impressed and still laughing. The only sport I follow is college football. I still can't believe there won't be football this year, leaving a huge empty spot in the Fall.

    LOL, Karen in Ohio. Have you ever seen the Puppy Bowl (on Animal Planet the same day as the Super Bowl)? We need Puppy Bowl with a Kitty Half-Time Show every weekend.

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  10. Rhys, today's blog is the best LOL of the week! Thank you for making it a sport to go and pee. I now need to think of it so differently!
    Kait, love your black belt! Well deserved.
    Edith and Karen, sounds like you each could be quite competitive in the berry picking Olympics!
    Ann, Penny Lane definitely gets the gold in the dinner eating contest. With no competition, Kenai is happy to look at his food and sniff it a bit before he takes a bite.
    Roberta and Ann, maybe there should be a puppy snuggling event. I'm with Karen on the puppy Olympics though. Take pictures!

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    1. Would love to toe off with Karen!

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    2. Lots of pictures on Facebook. Friend me. Ann Mason

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  11. Puppy Olympics! Our 10 month old standard poodle Louie excels at: speed eating ( a minute flat for a heaping cup of chow), distance leaping off the bed, landing on poor Jazz six feet away, and subtle destruction. He chewed the cap off a felt-tip pen, which left ink stains on the living room rug, and inky pawprints on the floor.

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    1. Ah. Our kitten discovered the toilet paper last week. I found him in a nest of it with the empty roll above. Confiscated the next and we now keep the roll in the cabinet - remove as needed!

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    2. I used to have a cat who would decorate the back hall with drifts of "snow" while I was at work. I would come home to find the stripped carcass of the toilet roll in the middle of my bed, and the big, fierce warrior sleeping peacefully beside it.

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    3. Having had many kittens, babies, and grand babies, I learned to hang TP so it pulls from the back. Trust me. I am a nurse b

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  12. Oh..that’s definitely the gold in the destruction event

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  13. Laundry folding! I have broken the land speed record for folding a basket of laundry, including cloth napkins and metrically folded T-shirts and the highest degree of difficulty: fitted sheets!
    Also: refrigerator emptying. The challenge was: what dinners can you make using only what is in the refrigerator and pantry. The fewest leftover bits of things that remain, the higher the score!

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    1. I think laundry lifting might also be an event. How many clean, folded towels can I carry from one end of the house to the other, without tripping over sleeping animals, and without resorting to a laundry basket? Advanced levels of the competition could include random dog toys underfoot, and galloping kittens zig-zagging across my path.

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    2. But did you measure the time it took you to remove the linens from the bed, wash and fold? Trying to beat my best at less than 4 hours. It seems I start in the early morning with good intentions and then remember they are still in the washer at 10pm

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  14. And Finally: freezer Jenga. I completely win for the number of packages, including weirdly shaped freezer bags and two big glass containers fitted into the freezer. The challenge is not only seeing how many things you can fit in without them tumbling out and breaking your foot, but how you can remember and get to whatever is in the back.

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    1. Another category: back of freezer package identification!

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    2. Impressive accomplishment, Hank.

      I need to reorganize my fully packed freezer and reassess.

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    3. Is there a competition for remembering what is in the freezer???

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    4. No, Deb, but there's a cognitive function test for that, if you're ever elected to public office.

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    5. Every. Single. Thing. in our freezer is labeled. I use the dissolvable ones so I can wash them off containers easily I also have a food saver. So most things are vacuum packed. Makes for optimum storage space.

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    6. Really? Labels? Why didn’t I think of that?

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    7. Even So, it doesn’t matter if you cannot get to the labels.

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    8. Do you think it would be OK if I took everything out and put it back in? I am terrified to do that…

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  15. Given what it took for baseball to come to an agreement on how long this season would be, I kind of lost interest in it. By the way, if you think the cardboard cutouts of people in the stands sounds weird, it is better than what happened in South Korea. Apparently they took things a little further afield. I read that they ended up issuing an apology for putting blow up sex dolls in the stands. LOL

    College football? Oh man, if they try to play the season they are stupid, stupid, STUPID! While there have been many teams hit be positive diagnoses, let's just recap some of the bigger names: Alabama, LSU, West Virginia (28 positive) and just yesterday came the news that the entire Michigan State team was going into quarantine for 2 weeks because of a staff member's diagnosis.

    I hate to be the puppy peeing on the carpet but college football should not be happening. I think the only way the NFL actually plays this season is when it is discovered that the league threatened to kill the families of the players if they didn't show up. Yes, I'm joking but I wouldn't put it past the league.

    Basketball and Hockey are either starting or have just started up.

    I'm a big sports fan but I have to tell you, if pressed for the most truthful of answers, I don't find myself missing any of them all that much. I may end up turning on a game for the purposes of having white noise in the background but like that country song says, "My give-a-damn is busted".

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    1. Oh and you can add in the Rutgers football team being quarantined now too.

      Plus, Cincinnati Reds player Matt Davidson played on Opening Day and has now tested positive.

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    2. Our eleven-year-old young friend is playing youth baseball. We're hoping to get over to see him in a game this week - and I'm pre-cringing at what we'll see in terms of masklessness, even here in safe MA.

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  16. I'm not big on watching any kind of sport, but I'd watch big hairy men lifting rocks. Especially if they were wearing kilts. Just sayin' . . .

    Around here the rising sport is border collie herding. That is, me herding them. First I round them all up and encourage them through the back door, into the yard. Then, at the appropriate time, I must round them all up again and herd them back into the house. This happens several times a day, and there's always that one maverick (I'm looking at you, Chess) who doesn't want to come back until he's looked at a bird in the tree, followed a squirrel along the fence, and checked to make sure the neighbor's dog is still not in the neighbor's yard. He's run out the clock on many occasions.

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    1. LOL, Gigi - I would watch any man in a kilt lifting anything, too!

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    2. Gigi, thank you so much for that image! Kilts are a must!

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    3. You're welcome, ladies. I do my humble best.

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    4. They weren't very appetizing hairy men, Gigi, but they were wearing kilts.

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  17. Impressive accomplishments, all! I think I saw a link on here one day to the Canadian sports broadcaster who is calling sports events between his dogs, Mabel and Olive, and posting them online. Very amusing. I'm afraid that I'm failing dreadfully at my daily event--getting the cat food in the bowls before a head butt knocks my hand out of the way and kitty nibbles fly everywhere. But I'm excelling at the 'how long does it take for a kitty cuddle if I lie down on the bed' event--we've got it down to about 15 seconds now before Missy appears out of nowhere. Keep up the good work, athletes! Train, train, train--we've got your backs!

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    1. Ha, Flora! Don't sell yourself short. That cat food event requires great speed and dexterity. Love Mabel and Olive!

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  18. Rhys, I remember you talking about being an athlete. Although I am Not a fan of American football, I enjoy watching football, which is called Soccer on the USA. I am a fan of watching tennis on TV. Follow ice skating and Swimming on the Olympics. Stopped watching Olympics skiing events after I saw a skier die in an accident during the Olympics trials on TV. Too sad.

    What are my pandemic events? Dashing to get the newspapers and mail BEFORE other people get up because there is ALWAYS somebody in the building complex who do NOT wear mask!!! And do NOT social distance! And I always wear a mask! Trying to stay healthy and safe!

    Diana

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    1. You should put up a big notice to say there is now a mandate to wear a mask outside the home! it is so selfish!
      But glad you are staying safe.

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    2. There are signs every where - inside the elevators, on all doors, and near the mailboxes with information requiring FACE MASK, SOCIAL DISTANCING AND WASH HANDS. The signs also have very clear drawings. Even if anyone does not speak or cannot read English, the pictures are still clear.

      Thank you.

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  19. Why not watch women's professional soccer. They have had new games all month. All played in Utah, no positives at all. I realize the demographic skews older here but you all should consider supporting women’s sports too.

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    1. I love women's soccer! What channel is it on?

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    2. CBS all access and CBS sports network,

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    3. CBS all access and CBS sports network,

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    4. The first part of my post didn't make it. Blogger strikes again! I really enjoyed this post on alternative olympics! The NWSL (National Women's Soccer League) has had live games all during the month of July, This is the first professional league to have games since all this started in March. CBS is broadcasting the games but they put them on their pay to watch channel CBS all access. I have found them for free on CBS sports network, which mostly shows repeats of NFL games. I am frustrated that these world class players are not broadcast on the main sport channels, especially when they don't have much in the way of new programming. There are players in this league from all over the world, including US national team members. The league organized these games quickly, they are all played at a remote Utah stadium and each team does not socialize or mix with the other teams. No one has tested positive, all players were tested and self quarantined before the games started. I think this league did a wonderful job! A bright spot in the current rather grim world.

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    5. Thanks! I watch women's soccer too.

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  20. Rhys, too funny this morning! I declare myself the winner of the number of times having to pee! And, no, I am not even counting.

    I'm determined to watch a little bit of baseball, now that it's started. But we don't have cable or satellite and all the streaming options are SO expensive.

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  21. ESPN is five bucks a month, D. Check it out

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  22. Hub has been inconsolable about the lack of sports. He even made the hooligans watching Friday night wrestlemania or whatever it's called. Ridiculous. LOL.

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    1. Friday Night Smackdown?

      Well you know that has to be important stuff. After all that pillar of statesmanship and common sense that is the governor of Florida declared the WWE an essential business after all.*

      *= Total sarcasm!

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  23. Rhys, this is hysterical. I haven't achieved any feats like you have (110 pounds of sand!) and other than casually watching certain Olympic events, I'm not a summer sports fan. However, I am going to be missing college football a LOT this fall. The fact I now have family members at home with which to watch (I found it much less fun to be the sole spectator) is just the twist of the knife. Hopefully, we'll all get through this and I'll be able to cheer for my beloved Crimson Tide next year.

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  24. I love the Olympics. I'll gladly watch your events. Well, all but the first one.

    I will turn on sports with the volume down as I surf the net or read. I've still been missing live sports, so it is wonderful to be able to "watch" live sports again.

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  25. I only follow figure skating but would have watched some of the Summer Olympics if they'd had it. I do some Grokker video exercised and gardening but not trying to break records. I broke my finger once doing yoga so slow and steady is my watchword. Stay safe and well.

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