Monday, November 1, 2021

The Saints We Need For Now

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Happy Monday, Happy beginning of November, Happy “can no longer deny we’re staring down the barrel of the onrushing, uncertain holiday season.”


Don’t worry, we’re not going to go down that road. I love November 1st for another reason - it’s the Feast of All Saint’s, historically one of the most important days in the church calendar. It’s the day All Hallow’s Eve is named after, the day set aside to commemorate all saints; those known and unknown. In the Catholic and Anglican tradition, we pray to saints not, as is sometimes misconstrued, so they can grant wishes, but so they will turn around and talk to the Big Guy on our behalf - in the same way you might ask your friend, “Pray for me,” when you’re heading off to the first appointment with a new and untested hairstylist.


Saints, of course, are specialists. Writers can pray to St. Teresa of Avila, waiters to St. Zita. (St. Teresa of Avila is also good for headache sufferers, which may say something about our profession.) Grandmothers can pray to St. Anne, and unmarried women hoping to eventually provide grandchildren can appeal to St. Nicholas (yes, that St. Nicholas. He apparently can help bring husbands along with presents. Also sailors. And prostitutes. St. Nick, as we already know, gets around.)


In fact, special needs change, and some poor saints are harassed as patrons of ten or fifteen or twenty professions, problems, cities and countries. And let’s face it, how much time are the saints spending these days on candle makers, chimney sweeps and cobblers? What we need are some new saints, to spread the work around and to help us with the issues of 21st century life. Here are some I propose:


Worried about being stuck for the whole weekend at the cabin with something that tastes like grape juice laced with sterno? Apply to  St. Vinumarca, the patron saint of picking out a decent boxed wine.


Stuck on hold for fifteen minutes, waiting to deal with an issue in your cable bill? Afraid you’re going to be handed off to two additional agents and then a “specialist?” Pray to St. #$%&*, patron saint of good and helpful customer representatives. (You can never quite hear St. #$%%*’s name. Is it Kiara? Laura? Carla?)


Want to complain about bad service, but you’re too shy and introverted to speak up? St. Karen of Scarsdale will have you demanding to Talk To The Manager in no time.


 

 

Nervous about the trials of flying today, what with crazies punching out flight attendants, couples bringing complete seafood dinners aboard, and travelers deciding to take off their shoes and socks and prop their grungy feet right next to your attache? Invoke St. Nancy of Walnut Creek.  In 1984 Nancy was returning from a vacation in France when her flight was rerouted to Midway, where she was stuck for 18 hours while the gate staff promised every two hours that the flight would leave momentarily. She had nothing to read and that terminal’s Waldenbooks was closed for renovation. When she finally got on her flight to San Francisco, she was seated between two very large men, and served the only meal available: a highly spiced curry made with an unidentifiable meat. Upon arriving at Oakland International, she found her suitcases had been sent to Houston Intercontinental. Yet throughout it all, Nancy remained pleasant, cheerful and polite to airport personnel, cabin crew and passengers alike. For this, she was quickly beatified, and early adherents praying for her help reported getting extra snacks, aisle seats, and the miraculous removal of crying babies to the very back of the plane. 


Reds, who are the modern patron saints we need today?


HALLIE EPHRON: During this week’s nor’easter storm, half of a giant maple tree came down on my garage. I propose St. Arbores, patron saint of the brave, indefatigable guys who march into chaos with their buzz saws and massive wood shredder and, thanks to St. A, depart an hour later with their body parts intact and splinter-free. Moving on to the next frantic homeowner. And then on to the next


 

RHYS BOWEN: I’m praying to St Sensibilita, patron of normal, moderate, sensible people who would like their country to be run smoothly by other normal sensible people. Her emblem is a fire breathing dragon, destroyer of crazy extremes!

 


JENN McKINLAY: Since Hallie and Rhys have the big stuff covered, I’ll go for the more personal to me prayer request because while it’s nice to have a patron saint for writers, I really just need one to provide a constant stream of deadline support through decadently frosted baked goods, specifically cake. Instead of casting my bread upon the water, I’d happily cast some cupcakes and, yes, of course, I’ll share. So, it’s Saint Ganache or Saint Buttercreamula to the rescue.

 


LUCY BURDETTE: I love this post! I was going to propose St. Patience, since we’ve all called on her the last two years. We are on the road this week and could definitely use St. Sensibilita, who might also if she has extra time, zap those crazies who are weaving in and out of all the cars and trucks at 80+ miles an hour?

 


HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I would propose St. Motivatianna,to whom, on the days when it just seems a little bit difficult to get started, we murmur a silent invocation, and poof, we are ready to go and get back to work! We could also use Saint Imageienne, to whom we pray for good ideas.

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: From the depths of deadline hell, I propose St. Morpagia, because who doesn't need a little help turning out those ten (or is it twenty?) pages a day?

JULIA: How about you, dear readers? Who would you elect for the modern book of saints? 

107 comments:

  1. I’d vote for every one of those aforementioned saints . . . could we please add Saint Techna because there are days when dealing with technology is guaranteed to threaten our sanity. And Saint Booklea who will always find room for just one more book on our already-overflowing bookshelves . . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm in for praying to St. Techna, Joan. G-d knows that she hears a lot of the #@%!@* stuff!

      Delete
    2. There’s actually a new “almost” saint, Blessed Carlo Acutis, who is a patron saint of computer issues. He was an Italian teenager who died of leukemia about fifteen years ago. He was very much into computers and technology. (I’ve recently had a couple of “talks” with him.)

      DebRo

      Delete
    3. My husband and I certainly need Saint Booklea!

      Delete
    4. Absolutely! Deb, I'm willing to try Blessed Carlo. The company of saints could definitely use some modern day teens when it comes to computer issues.

      Delete
    5. Blessed Carlo sounds like the perfect answer to our technology issues . . . .

      Delete
  2. Ha ha, I would love to see Saints Ganache and Buttercreamula!

    And I definitely need Saint #$%& as I seem to be forever on customer service hold while waiting to close the various accounts that my dad had.

    As I slow take more travel baby steps, I also welcome back Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travellers. Protect me from abruptly cancelled flights and other travel hell now and in 2022.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Grace, please pray to St. Christopher for me. I'm sure you have the right influence and my Rabbi would look askance if I were to try.

      Delete
    2. JUDY: I will. And funnily enough, I just looked online, and I need the help of SAINT JUDY, the patron saint of eye problems.

      I am hitting another roadblock in getting an eye exam and reading glasses in Ontario. Optometrists have been withholding services since Sept 1 in a chronic dispute with the Ontario government about underfunding OHIP-covered exams for seniors and children. I figured I normally pay for my exam so I would be able to book an appointment.
      NOPE! Since the two cataract surgeries were covered by OHIP, any follow-up treatment including getting a new prescription is DENIED. And I can't pay out of pocket and go elsewhere. Truly frustrating!

      Delete
    3. Gah, is FUNNILY even a word? I meant to say "funny enough". Damn vision...

      Delete
    4. OMG, Grace, not funny at all. Can't you just come across the border for an appointment or go in another province? Usually you can just walk in to an optometrist around here. How terrible.

      Delete
    5. JUDY: Believe me, the Quebec optometrists are frantically getting calls from Ontario patients and are trying to book them in but they have very few open spots. And yes, normally I could go to another optometrist in Ottawa but they are all in this job action together.

      I wish I could just get a cheap pair at the drugstore but my two eyes are quite different so I don't think using those would help. SIGH

      Delete
    6. On hold with customer service! We are sharing that nightmare, Grace.

      Delete
    7. Grace, if you have your prescription, you can order glasses online. Both Debs and I do that! Much much cheaper too There are a number of options. I use eyebuydirect.

      Delete
    8. ANN: No, I don't have my new prescription.

      My Feb 2021 prescription is for my coke-bottle thick eyeglasses. A modified version of this prescription was built into my implant lenses during cataract surgery. But my left eye is not cooperating and focusing so I need a new prescription for upclose reading.

      Delete
    9. Oh, Grace, my deepest sympathies. It's maddening to deal with vision that's just off. And to have to wait for something as (relatively) simple as the exam for a new prescription!

      South of your border, we're dealing with long delays for most non-urgent medical treatment as well, but it's not due to a strike - it's a shortage of personnel and the fact covid patients are still taking up so much space in the system.

      Delete
    10. JULIA: I get it. The third COVID wave in Ontario led to cancellation of most elective surgeries. That is why I had to wait 10 weeks between cataract surgery #1 in June and surgery #2 in August. Having that lopsided vision was no fun this summer but still having slightly off vision after surgery #2 and laser treatment in September was disappointing.

      And now being told I can't get a simple eye exam that I am willing to pay for? I was gobsmacked.

      Delete
    11. Grace, try drugstore glasses with the good eye shut. Then you’ll know the strength you’ll need for readers. You can then order with the rx only on that one side. Should be no more that thirty bucks. Julie got a pair for $9!

      Delete
  3. I love these! I'd like to also invoke St. Disciplinia. I could use her help when eyeing up that second bowl of chips/ice cream/holiday pie. My pants are tight enough, thank you very much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EDITH: I think many of us will need the help of St. Disciplinia as the yummy food from the holiday season tempts us.

      Delete
    2. I'm sure there is some martyr out there who's the patron saint of dieters, but let's face it, we have a LOT of temptations people in the 4th century never dreamed of!

      Delete
    3. St. Catherine of Siena is supposed to have gone without food for years.

      Delete
    4. Karen, maybe she was on the "air diet!"

      Delete
  4. I like St Sensibilita. She could be partnered with St Illuminata . She could help people that see conspirations everywhere to find the light and stop dividing families and friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to encourage certain family members to join me in praying to St. Illuminata, danielle-momo! She is certainly needed!

      Delete
    2. I will call upon Saint Illuminata, Danielle. She is sorely needed arounded here, especially in the southern region of my province.

      Delete
    3. I don't know, ladies. Isn't a huge part of modern conspiracy theory about the Illuminati? Could be too close for the, shall we say, overly imaginative.

      Delete
  5. Because I'm devoted to reading and love Iceland Noir, I'm praying to Saint Frumskógur Rauður, that I will always have a new book to read, a warm bed to read it in, and a fully charged Kindle to read it on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ann, yes, and inless than two months - Jólabókaflóðið! Yule Book Flood!

      Delete
  6. Hallie! Did the tree total your garage? We pray for this as our garage is wobbly and well insured and so are the cars. (Those are not wobbly but are still insured.)

    I really don't want you to be frantic over anything, so please continue to dodge the other half of that maple. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's still standing. My garage is a sturdy little thing. It's just got a foot-wide hole punched in the tippy top. At 8:30 AM this morning the owner of Duffy Roofing was here... I got the very strong impression that in ths storm he'd seen a whole lot worse. And they'll patch it soon and properly fix it in the coming weeks. This is why we save our pennies. Saint Frugality.

      Delete
    2. Let's hear it for Saint Frugality - and that the damage wasn't worse, Hallie.

      Delete
    3. Good news about the garage, and the quick clean-up, Hallie.

      Delete
    4. That is good news, and also great that you got Mr. Duffy Roofing there so quickly. I've had friends who had to wait WEEKS after a bad nor'easter to get an appointment, thought to be fair, the roofers were prioritizing urgent needs first. The barn can wait; the person with a new skylight in the kitchen can't.

      Delete
  7. Be careful what you pray for, Ann. I just passed a billboard at a local church that said: "God always answers knee mail". And I thought, but sometimes the answer is "No". And sometimes the answer makes us realize we should have been a leetle more specific.

    Rats, Hallie. Sorry about the garage and the mess.

    St. Ganache way very well be my patron saint.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a faithful devotee of St. Chocolatl, Karen. (And sorry about St Karen of Scarsdale - I know you're a Good Karen!)

      Delete
    2. Thank you, dear. I prefer to spell "that" kind of Karen with a "Q". (Qaren)

      Oh yes, how could I forget St. Chocolatl? Mea culpa.

      Delete
    3. Knee mail - LOL. I do need to work on my specificity.

      Delete
  8. Thank heavens for the Reds! You've got me covered this year. On my knees now, especially praying to St. Sensibilita. And don't forget her sister saint, Saint Mumblemumblemumbla, for those times I'd rather those maskless, coughing people not hear what's coming out of my mouth behind my mask.

    Hallie, yes, those tree guys bring peace of mind in the face of those disasters. Sorry about your maple, though. We lost an old oak due to storm damage--it had to go but I miss it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Flora, I've had a younger friend tell me the best thing about masks is no one every asks her to smile anymore. And by one, I mean men.

      Delete
  9. I am in with lots of the above named saints. If St. Sensibilita can't handle the job, although we all pray she will, then pray that St. Justicala will punish those who have created this chaos.

    I also think we should all pray to St. Abodian! He will protect your homes from the floods, wild fires and tornadoes spawned by global warming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judy, I picture St. Abodian as looking like JK Simmons in those Allstate commercials. :-D

      Delete
  10. I would like St Motoristia, who could remind drivers that cars are actually equipped with directional signals, and how and when to use them. (For example, a person does not change lanes and THEN signal.) The saint could also spend a lot of time reminding people not to talk on the phone or text while driving. And that a pedestrian in a crosswalk has the right of way.

    I need St Culinaria of the Three And Four, who would always help me come up with delicious recipes that involve no more than Three steps and Four ingredients.

    DebRo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DebRo, St. Motorista is much needed, but I'm afraid her entire attention would be taken by the state of Massachusetts, with no time left for the rest of us.

      Delete
  11. "I sing a song of the saints of God, patient and brave and true..."

    I spent a week emailing my service rep, trying to obtain a new laptop. One night at 10pm, fearing my laptop wouldn't last till morning, I phoned the customer line and asked, "These are my specs, what is in the warehouse ready to ship?" My choice was yoga or non-yoga, and with expedited shipping, I had it two days later.

    Saint Warehousia, whose computerized inventory is up-to-the-minute, working 24/7, and whose partner, St. Shipping, also is functioning at peak capacity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, Margaret - yoga or non-yoga?!?

      Delete
    2. Just looked it up. A Lenovo yoga laptop is a convertible laptop/tablet. When the guy offered me the option, I told him I don't do yoga, particularly with a laptop. Sigh. Communication is key.

      Delete
    3. Even after looking it up, I'm still not clear on the yoga or non-yoga meanings. Margaret or Julia, could you elucidate further?

      Delete
    4. Kathy, there are the traditional laptops, which you're familiar with, and a new kind, where the monitor unlatches (or in some cases folds) so you can use it as a slightly larger than usual tablet (ie, iPad, Amazon Fire, etc.) I've always seen these referred to convertible laptops - I can only guess the yoga name is because they bend and flex!

      Delete
  12. Wonderful choices all! I'm sure I would need to call on most of them every single day. Thank you, Julia and Reds for such terrific thoughts first thing in the morning.

    I mostly could use the Saint of Poor Spellers, whatever his/her name might be. Or is there one already? I am woefully ignorant when it comes to such things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judi, I beleive that would be St Seperate. St Separete? St Separate!

      Delete
  13. Utterly brilliant!
    And very amusing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You need a humor column! No one writes them any longer. I still miss Erma Bombeck. Your humor is literate, intelligent and sarcastic! Love it!

      Delete
  14. The Reds clearly have a pipeline to St. Hilaria! This post is too funny. I'm looking for St. Morewordplease to we St. Imaginaria. Can you tell I'm doing Nano! Happy November!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have a blessed Nanowrimo, Kait, and may your words roll down like waters.

      Delete
  15. Julia, today is also Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead in Mexican culture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Another wonderful version of All Saint's/Samhain/The Hungry Ghost Festival, etc.

      There is so much appealing about Dia de los Muertos, it would not surprise me at all if it's a major festival in the US within twenty or thirty years. We do like to glom onto a variety of celebrations, especially if they involve dressing up or drinking.

      Delete
    2. Then Purim is the holiday you're looking for, Julia. Glad to fill in the details but I'm sure you can find them on the web!

      Delete
    3. It's already a major festival here in Houston.

      Delete
    4. Judy I like a religious holiday that commands you to drink until you can't tell Mordecai from Haman!

      Delete
    5. My hair stylist is from Poland, and today while she was cutting my hair she told me about the Polish customs around All Saints' Day. They go to the cemetery and tidy up, put out fresh flowers and candles, then have Mass right there among the graves. Very similar to Dias de los Muertos, minus the picnic.

      Delete
  16. These are wonderful modern-day saints! How about Saint Climate Climactus, to invoke an end to fossil fuel use?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SAINT CLIMATE CLIMACTUS needs to make an appearance in Glasgow this week as COP26 is starting. Another last chance for the world to make real action in reducing GHG emissions.

      Delete
    2. Even the Pope would agree with that one, Amanda!

      Delete
    3. Unfortunately, if you push a fast progressive agenda in the US, we will be back with the Trump Republicans. If they regain power, there is no climate change.

      Delete
    4. I fixed it, Susan. No worries.

      Delete
  17. I am currently praying to Saint Spina, and Saint Confrontatius, not because I want more people to assault their flight attendants, but because I know more than one person who refuses to grow a spine and get out of a bad home/job/relationship because they don't like "confrontations." Sometimes it's okay to get a little help in confronting uncomfortable truths.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gigi, did you know that in Russia, St. Spina is called St. Growapairus?

      Delete
    2. Okay, that made me laugh out loud!

      Delete
    3. I love St. Growapairus. He takes no prisoners.

      Delete
  18. Jungle Reds nailed it today! These days who DOESN'T need a little help from Above(wherever that might be?) Morpagia is going up on my wall next to the computer, where I used to have tiny portraits of some guardian angels including Dame Agatha, Jane Austen, Dorothy Sayers and Edith Wharton.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, the Blessed Quartet! Many a writer is quite attached to them, Triss.

      Delete
    2. I'm putting her next to my computer, too, Triss!

      Delete
  19. Did we cover the saint for home renovation? Saint Renonati - because, y’all, my money pit needs a serious overhaul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that might be St Aitch-Gee-Tee-Vee, Jenn.

      Delete
  20. I think we may need them all, plus whoever could keep us fit and healthy. <3

    ReplyDelete
  21. Just love it, I would canonize them all. I need a saint or maybe a who band of saints to help the USPS. Now I am careful about paying my bills, I really hate to give money away in late fees due to carelessness. As I am still learning about all the bills which my beloved has taken care of for our life together, I can see be easily confused. I think I got 4 communications from our insurance company about premiums due. I believed they were paid as my check book told me so but NO, another one in the mail. So I called this morning with my chapter and verse only to learn that yes I was in good standing, but the check had taken at least 10 business days, obviously no mail moves at the weekend, to reach the company. We parted good friends and all paid up. But what if one wasn't careful and just paid. We don't normally get thank yous nowadays do we? So could we have St. Swiftee, or perhaps St. Wingsaways?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Celia, the USPS introduced Mr. Zip in 1962 with the advent of zip coades; perhaps it's time to elevate him to St. Zip?

      Delete
    2. Well I'm not sure when zippers were invented but I think Velcro was invented for space flight, or that was its first use, so maybe St. Velcromaniac?

      Delete
  22. Okay, I will join in. St. Petimos for those who love pets, and wish the best health for them. St. Kraftiwurst; Patron saint for people to tired to cook. St Ductapamout, former prioress of an orphanage of toddlers, she realized cutting her tongue was a bad choice. Could not handle the melt downs any longer. Martyr. St. Dependable creator of well fitting undergarments for elderly saints and others. May they all be blessed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coralee, yours made me laugh. I definitely pray to St. Kraftiwurst several times a week!

      Delete
  23. I pray to St Headthumpus to remind all that used paper towels belong in the trash, not on top of the counter. And to St Marthasaveme that dirty dishes can go in the dishwasher and really don't need to be piled up in the sink for the fairies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They must go together with St. Wherediputat, Pat. Together, they're the patron saints of people over 50.

      Delete
    2. Oh Pat, so true and to the point, along with Julia's one. I now find things for two of us and right now He has taken the best scissors, that is the ones that actually cut! and knows not where they are

      Delete
  24. Hey, Jungle Reds, today is a day just for the likes of you: Happy National Authors’ Day! Thank you for all the good authoring!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! Thanks for all the good reading, Elisabeth!

      Delete
  25. It was so much fun reading back through the names of the saints newly created in our minds. Saint Annoyance is one that seems to hang around me quite a bit, reminding me that I need to eat better and get some exercise, but then he goes and shows up when my husband asks daily what's for supper. Saint Remembrance is one I seem to be calling on a lot these days, very helpful when going from room to the next for something. I think this saint and Julia's St. Wherediputat frequently work together. I look around my house and realize that I haven't called upon St. Orderly in quite a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If St. Orderly saw my house, Kathy, he'd keel over a second time.

      Delete
    2. Is Saint Remembrance the one to call on when we are saying, "that actor...you know...the one in that movie we never saw but meant to..." Asking for a friend.

      Delete
    3. Hahaha! Julia and Triss, you both made me laugh!

      Delete
  26. Julia,

    Again, I am late to the party! I never heard of St. Nancy of Walnut Creek! Wow! Everyone has great ideas for Modern Saints. It never occurred to me, though. I hope that the pandemic will be over soon with everyone healthy. Apologies if I am getting a bit political here. I really hope that the Build Better America bill passes with everything from climate protection to paid leave left alone. I have been getting overwhelmed by so many emails saying that the new bill will not include these. ((( Sad face here)))

    Canada has paid leave. It is a given in many countries though we STILL do not have that in the USA.

    Diana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Diana, you need St. Relaxus, the saint who reminds us to close our email, get off Twitter, and to have a nice sit down with a book and a cup of tea. :-)

      Delete
    2. Julia,

      Thank you. I have been scaling back on my Instagram and not posting as much. I rarely post on Twitter. St. Relaxus sounds excellent! A nice sit down with a book and a cup of peppermint tea sounds lovely :)

      Diana

      Delete