RHYS BOWEN: As I’ve mentioned this week, we are gearing up for a big family wedding. I am debating whether to spend a small fortune on a dress. Because it is going to be A BIG OCCASION.
When my girls got married the weddings were lovely but simple. We had a family friend to do the photos and the video. Another friend provided the DJ at one and the jazz band at another. We had a nice venue, good food and a great time was had by all.
My son and his bride arranged their own wedding. It was in a grove four thousand feet up a mountain and the whole wedding party slept in yurts. It was lovely. Lights strung between the trees, a dance floor, good food and in the middle of nature. I loved it (apart from the bed in the yurt.. .)
This is a wedding with all the bells and whistles. A wedding planner making sure all is in place before we reach the venue. A bridal procession in which I have to walk with the two other grandmothers up the aisle. A videographer, apart from the photographer. Signature cocktails. You name it, we are having it.
This makes me realize how much we have to raise the bar to make anything feel special these days. Destination weddings in Tahiti! Photo shoots by the Eiffel Tower.
Christmas comes to all the stores in October. Look at the ads at Christmas time. Put a Lexus under the tree for her. My granddaughters, at a private school, had to endure prom-posals before the prom. Not just “hey, would you like to go to the prom with me?” but balloons, banners, music, dancers etc etc. Lizzy had the embarrassment of an elaborate very public, promposal from a boy she didn’t want to go to the prom with. But she said yes, not to hurt his feelings after he’d been to so much trouble.
We were out for a walk a few months ago and there in the park was what seemed to be a big picnic. Only it had a giant paper mache decoration and as we passed there was music, drum roll, then this exploded, confetti shot everywhere, there were screams and hugs and…. It was a gender reveal party!
What next? I ask myself. Have we lost the ability to be happy with the simple, the non-extravagent? Not over the top, competing all the time? I find myself fantasizing about living in a French or Italian village. Sitting in the town square, drinking coffee or wine with friends.. All the time in the world. No stress. No hype.
How about you? Do you feel the same?
Extravagant could be nice occasionally, for something significant . . . doesn't everyone like something fancy and special once in a while??? But I think something is lost when everything has to be over-the-top and pretentious. [And can I just say I’m so not a fan of those gender reveal parties.]
ReplyDeleteThere is something to be said for quiet and simple celebrations . . . .
“So not a fan” with you, Joan. Feels to me very selfish, impatient, wanting to be able to plan the child’s life before you meet that whole new person. Elisabeth
DeleteMy daughter and son-in-law had a gender reveal party. Snacks and punch in their back yard for family and a few close friends. When they cut into the cake and it was pink, we all cried. So they can be lovely.
DeleteI like simple. I'm sure the wedding will be lovely, Rhys, but I'm with you on wanting things to be less extravagant.
ReplyDeleteMy older son and his wife hired a wedding planner, but only for the day of, and she was great at making sure everything happened as it should. My younger son and his wife brought the cupcakes for their baby shower at my house in November, and hid the "It's a Boy!" note between the wrappers of one of them (which they finagled to hand to me). That's the kind of gender reveal I can get behind.
Also, their wedding was in Puerto Rico - but it was because they lived on the educational farm where the wedding was held. Family from here was happy to have a warm place as a destination in February (and the couple found affordable places for us all to stay) and her family lives only 90 minutes away. Everyone from the farm helped with flowers and building a bamboo arch for the ceremony and so much more. The best kind of "destination" wedding.
DeleteI saw pix of that wedding, Edith. It was perfect. I love simplicity and family joy
DeleteI have been to two very extravagant weddings. My nephew married a lovely young woman who came from a very wealthy family. If I remember correctly, it was at the Four Seasons in Boston. (I have a lovely personal story about my dress,. Later.) When you walked into the party, there was a flower arrangement the size of a VW Beetle. Opulent is the word I'd choose for that event. I had a great time!
ReplyDeleteThe second wedding that stands out for extravagance is my cousin's son who married a young woman from Long Island. The centerpiece on every table had three dozen long stem red roses. Unfortunately, there was a device in the corner near my table that was meant to boost the effectiveness of the photographer's flash and it flashed in front of me constantly all evening. I am pretty sure I never want to be in proximity to one of those again.
Now, about the dress: the day I went shopping for the dress I had just gotten the all clear on a breast biopsy. Having lived in terror for a whole month, I treated myself to a luscious strapless black silk gown. Over-the-top. I looked like I belonged at a 4 Seasons wedding.
You deserved that dress, Judy!
DeleteJudy. I’m so glad you got to celebrate with a lovely strapless dress!
DeleteCelebratory gowns are the best, Judy!
DeleteAgreed! I love the simpler life we lead in Nice - smaller flat, fewer clothes, more walks along the ocean and sitting in cafes.
ReplyDeleteIt’s my idea of heaven too. We’ve stayed in the area several times. Especially in Villefranche.
DeleteA memory from childhood (1950s) magazine advertisements of cars with big red bows and giant tail fins . So not all hype is a new affliction/affectation. Cynical commenter for today at least. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteI agree with KISS…keep it simple stupid.
ReplyDeleteMy son’s wedding in 2015 was very small and simple. Ceremony performed by their actual minister not some friend with an online certificate and reception all in the coffee shop with music venue room attached where they had their first date and where he also proposed. Cupcakes and a beverage from the barista. It was lovely.
It should be what the couple wants!
DeleteAs a clergyperson who has officiated at sooooooooo many weddings, my experience has been that the simpler ones end up being happier and less stressed occasions for the couples and the quirky unique ones are more fun than the ones trying to outdo the weddings of friends or work colleagues. On the positive side there was a time when families of the couples were more in control (and in conflict) than they are now. Funny this topic since the most recent book in my series just out in December ("Death Throws a Bouquet") features a June with five weddings.
ReplyDeleteBut no funeral?
DeleteI like simple too.
ReplyDeleteI like simple too & don't at all understand promposals or gender reveal parties. Even the big plans for marriage proposals seems weird too me. Because it's a spectacle, there's so much pressure on the one being asked to say yes. Wouldn't you want a no pressure at all situation?
ReplyDeleteI'm reading Richard Osman's latest Thursday Murder Club installment and it starts with Joanna's wedding. Joanna and Joyce have conflict during the wedding planning. Joyce wants a big wedding for her only daughter and Joanna wants a small wedding. It turns out that they are both thinking 200 people, so big or small are in the eye of the beholder.
200 to me is overwhelmingly big. I think our grandson is planning around 100 I like the British wedding idea. Afternoon cake and champagne then the couple gets a send off for the honeymoon.
DeleteThat sounds good to me too, Rhys!
DeleteThat would be perfect Rhys.
DeletePerfect, Rhys!
DeleteWe definitely waste too much time making things extravagant so that people with seemingly galactic low self-esteem can feel like they are the center of the universe. I remember when you celebrated your birthday not your birthday week or birthday month.
ReplyDeleteAs for weddings...YUCK. When one of those drains on society Kardashian twits got married to a mediocre NBA player, you got a wedding with all the bells and whistles that could be written into the carefully executed reality TV script. And the wedding lasted something less than 3 months I think.
My brother got married the third time at the town hall by the town clerk for a modest fee and was still just as married as those two bloodsucking leaches on modern life. And while both marriages ended in divorce, his lasted longer and cost less than 1% of the oh-so important people.
As for me, please NEVER invite me to a wedding. I don't want to be there and I don't like to dress in clothes that would be considered formal. Hell, the best you'll get out of me is like a tie on a button shirt anyway. Also, I'm a jinx. Pretty much every wedding I've been to (dragged to) has ended in divorce.
As we inch closer to February's silly season of hearts and flowers, all I can say is "LOVE? BAH!"
As for big celebrations of anything, if you want to throw away thousands of dollars for no particular GOOD reason, just write me a damn check. I'll put the money to far better use than you clearly will.
I would guess you’d not be the ideal wedding guest, Jay?
DeleteRhys, I'd rather be locked in a room with a rabid wolverine that's high on angel dust. (line stolen from George Carlin)
DeleteJay - cracking up.
DeleteOh, Jay. I'll be snorting over your description of the Kardashians all day.
DeleteWatch out, Jay! The three spirits of Valentine’s Day just may appear at your bed curtains on the night of February 13…admitting Charles Dickens had a better story to tell…Elisabeth
DeleteWhen we were married in 1977 in November after engagement in Sept (really low key that one – Ha!), and he then turned up on the day in a 99$ blue suit – cheap!, and so it goes on. Local friends (sort-of like a church group) made the sandwiches and squares, and so it goes on. However, on looking at the miles and miles of choices for the ‘photo album’ for my niece this year, I was reminded that for ours, we passed out those little cardboard cameras that had flashes on them to everyone – 24 pictures on each. We asked them to photograph the wedding and leave the camera in the basket at the end. We developed them (do you remember mail-away?), and then compiled a lovely group in one of those ‘magnetic pages’ albums. Beautiful candid shots of everybody else’s idea of our wedding – no posed ones anywhere. Like the gazillion dollar albums that kids have nowadays, it is not looked at a lot, but it is a reminder of how others saw our special day – blue (cheap) suit and all. (My dress was a la Leia in Star Wars – had to watch the movie 3 times to imagine the pattern. Cost $7. Still have it. It doesn’t fit.)
ReplyDeleteCameras were a brilliant idea. Our teacher daughter made first grade books as souvenirs. See Jane. See Jane meet Tom. Etc. they were so cute!
DeleteI totally agree, Rhys. Simple = Personal in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI asked my son when he was married 7 years ago what they (and society) expected as wedding gifts. He told me that the “expected” gift is cash and not a punch bowl crystal or not, and should be equal to or over what you think the wedding couple paid for you – meal, flowers, etc – maybe even the date to go to Tahiti. Thank you for the invitation, but I would be expressing my regrets and sending a card – just not in my budget. Please elope and send me a note...
ReplyDeleteI agree, celebrations in general -- and weddings in particular -- have become really over the top. I did have a pleasant experience last fall, though, that stood out because it was so out of sync with that trend. Our niece was married on the grounds of a non-profit historical village/museum, with one tent for the ceremony and another for the dinner. (Dancing was in a permanent structure right beside the dining tent.) They are both quiet homebodies by nature. It felt like they struck the perfect balance between having enough wedding ritual to fit the joyous occasion while not putting themselves into debt or pushing themselves beyond their level of comfort with being the center of attention. One especially lovely memory for me was that as the evening cooled off, the bride and bridesmaids put on beautiful capes with lots of detail that coordinated with their dresses, handmaid by the mother of the bride! Oh, and one quick little postscript: at Christmas we all celebrated their announcement that a baby is on the way.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds wonderful. And a detail made by the mother.too.
DeleteI like simple and I chose a simple life. Not in France but in my pretty rural corner of Quebec.
ReplyDeleteIn my home that someone always calls “your little house” and that I don’t consider so small and more than enough for my needs. With simple food and clothes. And connections with people sharing my interests and experiences.
“Have we lost the ability to be happy with the simple, the non-extravagent?” Certainly some have! When we got married, 40 years ago, we paid for our own wedding. My Mom paid for the invitations. She made my beautiful dress, we bought the flowers for the church and reception at Mahoney’s and put the foil around the pots ourselves. A friend who had started her own catering company did our food and drinks, and rented our dance floor. We had the reception at the guest house at the Arnold Arboretum (the day after Hurricane Gloria) and the weather was gorgeous. My husband and I had a great time, we’re surrounded by love,friends, and family, we have lovely photos, and my Mom and my mother-in-law were beautiful and happy.
ReplyDeleteRhys, I am sure whichever dress you pick you will be elegant and gorgeous and your love will shine through.
Surrounded by love! That’s what matters isn’t it?
DeleteIt certainly is, Rhys!
DeleteI think—it depends on the reasoning behind it. Is it to impress others? Or is it to make someone’s dream come true? The first will never be rewarding— the second one might.
ReplyDeleteThat is very wise. I suppose if you’ve pictured the occasion all your life then go for it!
DeleteI got married in a church wedding (1969) when I was just 19. I met my hub in college. We had a lovely reception in our back yard. My mother made all the bridesmaids dresses, and they were stunningly beautiful. Sadly, and not surprisingly, because we were too young, the marriage didn't last. But I did get married again when I was 28. It was just my new hub's best man and my close friend from work and we took off early from work and were married by the rabbi. We had a lunch at my parents house. It was just what we both wanted as we had each been married before. We've been married almost 50 years.
ReplyDeleteRhys, so much has changed since we and our parents were married. It is almost expected to have all the bells and whistles these days. It does make for a lot of tension in some cases but a large wedding can be a fun and meaningful event. Can't wait to hear how things go.
Gill keep you posted!
DeleteI prefer simple. I have never understood why couples would put all that money into an event when the money would be much better either spent on a home or a honeymoon. Then again, I am not one with an unlimited budget so perhaps that colors my thinking. As for gender reveals, I didn't want to know the gender and if I did, I can't rationalize spending that kind of money when you have a child coming.
ReplyDeleteSo much of this massive celebration craze seems to be "look at me" and I wonder if it is shaped by various online influencers. Do you ever stop to think about ads of late? There are so many filled with verbiage that indicates that if you don't have it, buy it, show it off, you've somehow failed to grab the best and life will judge you accordingly. I wonder if our young folks have lost the ability to recognize hype and advertising goals for what they are. I'm sorry, but you don't need the latest, greatest thing to be cool or popular. Tomorrow it will be out of style - planned obsolescence in its own way. Then you'll just look like yesterday's news.
The real questions for engaged couples and prospective parents are 1) do you love each other well enough to spend a lifetime together and 2) do you understand what it means to bring a new life into this world and all the responsibilities that will fall upon your shoulders for the next 18 years? It seems we don't stop and ask those questions anymore, just "what's your wedding theme" and "when is the gender reveal party?" -- Victoria
Victoria, I do think ads are ridiculous these days. Particularly car and truck ads. If you drive a certain truck you'll be super macho, tough, rugged and able to drive off road to the top of a mountain peak. Or if you have a smaller, sporty car you can excessively speed on curved, mountain roads with no other cars in sight (the reality is your going 5mph and stuck in traffic day in and day out), or buy a family SUV and all your family dreams will come true - soccer games, beach parties, happy children. Don't get me started on the prescription ads. I especially shake my head in wonder at the side effects. "This product can cause serious problems one of which will cause death...."
DeleteWell put, Victoria !
DeleteI was just looking at the photo you took at the park for the baby sex reveal. I can't help but think what a clean up nightmare.
ReplyDeleteConfetti is awful!
DeleteRhys, my fantasy wedding is a wedding in an English village. Perhaps in the Cotswolds? I love the idea of living simply. I am not a fan of destination weddings, unless it is a place I would love to see.
ReplyDeleteWill you and John have to travel a long distance to the wedding?
It’s in Phoenix so we’ll already be there.
DeleteI prefer simple, too. My own (& hubby's) wedding was super enjoyable. We wrote our own vows and invited thirty friends/family to our wedding party in my godparents' living room. About halfway into the party, my brother, a retired minister, married us, and the party continued. Toward the end, we cut the cake, opened presents, exchanged hugs and good wishes, and we're launched into our 52-year happy marriage. If I had to do it over, I'd do it the same, except for the fact my sweet brother and some friends are gone, now.
ReplyDeleteOurs was really simple too as we were halfway across the world in Australia
DeleteI much prefer the intimate to the over the top, but this is definitely the era of the big bang! When a friend's daughter was married they offered the couple the choice of a small wedding and buying them a house for a wedding gift, or the big bash they were talking about. They took the big bash. It made them happy.
ReplyDeleteRhys, you've hit on one of my biggest grumbles! What next?! I read the query in an advice column the other day in which the letter writer, the bride to be, whined that she wouldn't allow her future sister in law to come to "my wedding" as if there was no groom! Last year, I witnessed the strangest amateur photo shoot on a local beach: a young woman about 9 ½ months pregnant, standing in the cold ocean wearing a translucent robe and a thong, several beaming male and female friends or relatives admiring her while she posed, gown flying around her, virtually naked. An Occasion!
ReplyDeleteThe birth maybe?
DeleteSteve's family has a tradition of small, intimate weddings. We took it to an extreme, getting married in Las Vegas with only my aunt to stand up for us at a wedding chapel, and her girlfriend who drove there with her from Phoenix. Later, Steve's mom welcomed me to the family with a lovely dinner for just us and my mother, stepdad and grandmother. And a homemade coconut cake, her specialty.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest had 130 guests, and every single person she loves was in the wedding party. It was a lot, but they are still together, almost 26 years later. Youngest got married the second time in her Virginia backyard with just us and her new husband's two children, with our other two daughters watching on FaceTime. Then my SIL cooked fabulous steaks for dinner, and we all went outside afterwards to watch an amazing sunset.
We have several very (very) wealthy friends whose children have all gotten married in over the top events. 300+ guests with sit-down dinners, orchestras, the works. It makes for a nice party, but the stress is also over the top, and takes a battalion of experts to pull it off. I enjoy myself as a guest, but can only cluck at my poor friends' intense stress of mothers of bride or groom. And what on earth does a mere mortal of modest means buy as a wedding gift for these privileged children? They need absolutely nothing. Plus, I have moral objections to spending MY money just to have something for them to unwrap, then probably never think of again.
Two more thoughts: promposals started when my younger daughters were in high school and middle school, and I thought even then, before things got so elaborate, it was a lot of pressure to put on teenaged boys. Prom is already an expensive event, and it's no wonder a lot of boys just don't care to participate.
DeleteThe other thing is Indian weddings. Have you ever seen the elaborate many days-long rounds of parties and ceremonies around them? 15 years ago my youngest was invited to a wedding in California. She had only known the bride a couple weeks, but the invitation included three or four nights in a luxury hotel, all food for the duration, a massage or other spa service, and a gift bag that included a super expensive perfume. Among other excesses, the groom arrived at the hotel for the wedding dressed resplendently, and riding an elephant. Seriously.
Two years ago, Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant's wedding cost approximately $600 million in US dollars after pre-wedding celebration expenses such as musical performances from the likes of Rihanna and Justin Bieber, security, luxury cruises and private jets, and lodging are taken into account. According to reports, the groom bought each guest a wristwatch worth 200,000.
That all wears me out, just imagining it!
Our daughter was part of her friend’s wedding in India. Five days. Henna painting. Different sari for each day. She thought it was fabulous but must have cost a fortune.
DeleteI prefer simple. My husband and I were married in the church I attended growing up. We had about 100 guests……….friends of our parents and our own friends. It was relaxed and fun and within our budget. There were no expectations for wedding gifts; we were happy to have these special people share our wedding day.
ReplyDeleteMy son and his wife had much the same kind of wedding and it was lovely. When they were expecting their first baby ( our first grandchild) there was no gender reveal. They came to visit one evening, said they had been shopping and had a small gift for us. When we opened it , it was a pair of baby booties ! We were so excited and I still have those booties.
Keep it simple! Buy a new dress, Rhys. At this stage in our lives we need to live each moment because we can’t take our money with us when we go to the great beyond!
ReplyDeleteNo but beloved a beloved pet cat or dog sure can inherit the family wealth!!
DeleteI got to thinking of the best weddings I've been to and the most recent one was so nice. Everything was pretty standard - from the ceremony to the dinner. But what made it special was the fact that so many people gave speeches - speeches were given by the bride and grooms childhood friends, college friends, work mates, family, etc. The speeches were so moving and touching - and I felt it made the evening so personal - like we had been invited into their families for just that brief moment (we are close friends of the parents and knew the groom from age 3) we learned so much more about them - how kind, smart, caring they are as well. The father of the groom's speech brought tears to my eyes. Very touching. Now this is the way a wedding should be - not a Hollywood production IMHO
ReplyDeleteMy parents didn't have money to throw a big bash. Instead, all the neighbors rallied to make the food and a local group of women catered during the event. One neighbor made flower baskets for the attendants from her garden. A friend gave the gift of bar tending. My Godmother sprung for a beautiful historic home in our town's center as the venue. The bridesmaids (all great seamstresses thank God) made their own dresses. My dress was simple and I wore flowers in my hair (well it was during that time!). It was lovely. And memorable. When my daughter married, everyone was doing really extravagant weddings. The "say yes to the dress" lady insisted she looked better in the $5000 dress than anything else. I said No to the dress and pulled her aside and asked, "What would you rather have, a really really extravagant party where you'll have fun or a fun party where we get a great band and really have fun. If you choose the second option, we can give you some cash toward the future. I held my breath for the entire three seconds it took her to process this. She made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteBeware wedding gown shops with commissioned salespeople!
DeleteHooray for her! I can never understand why a couple would choose wedding over down payment on a house!
Delete"First look" Special setting, special photos. Every aspect of the wedding choreographed and over the top. Too much of a production, is my thought. I prefer smaller, more intimate, with touches that are meaningful to the participants. My oldest nephew was married in his in-laws backyard, her uncle officiating. Huge, orange full moon over the water, bride and groom captured sharing a relaxed moment--perfect!
ReplyDeleteWe eloped and told our parents once we returned from the honeymoon (which had been a planned vacation to Hawaii). My dad was thrilled he didn’t have to get dressed in a “monkey suit” as he termed tuxedos. My mom was happy we’d finally gotten married (we’d been living together for years). To make Mom happy, a couple of years later we did kind of a vow renewal in their church. It was just my parents, sister and brother-in-law, family friend and the two of us. The minister blessed our marriage, said some nice words and we went off to dinner. Everyone was happy. (And we’re coming up on our 35th wedding anniversary this year.)
ReplyDeleteOur son and wife got married in a lovely venue. Her father had died suddenly three years before so her mother walked her down the aisle. It was outside toward dusk and there was a ray of sunlight that lit both of them as they approached. We all gasped because it definitely looked like her father was telling us he was there.
I am definitely in favor of simple and think promposals, gender reveals, and big, showy weddings are all about saying, “Look at me!” And then everyone feels they have to do the same. — Pat S
I'm with you in the simple no stress club. No gender reveal parties, no limo from the hospital with the baby, no elaborate birthday parties, just no. Our wedding was in my parents' living room, the reception in the dining room, and it was all very nice. I boiled and peeled shrimp the day before for the reception. Those were the days. . .
ReplyDeleteI am SO grateful my oldest wanted a small, simple wedding and eschewed any sort of 'gender reveal.' Which, of course, is actually about what sex organs your kid is going to be born with - it feels a lot different when you phrase it that way, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteLike a lot of the comments, I put the onus completely on Instagram and Tik Tok. I mean, we all love to be celebrated and feted; it's the societal trend of having everything documented online that's put that natural impulse on steroids.
It's your choice, you make it as simple or as opulent as you want!!!!
ReplyDelete