JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Okay, let's leave the weather behind for a bit, shall we? Instead, let's goggle at the trends the youths are pursuing these days, specifically "maxxing."
If you're as terminally online as I am (I've GOT to use Freedom to block Reddit!) you've probably seen one of the most popular forms - looksmaxxing. This is popular among a subgroup of young men who don't believe what girls really want is someone thoughtful, reliable, and maybe has a sense of humor. Instead, these youts (shout out to My Cousin Vinny) do weird things to their faces and bodies with the goal of maximizing their attractiveness. One is famous for hitting himself in the jaw with a hammer, which, if I had know was effective, I could have used for Youngest's irregularly shaped lower mandible, and saved $8k on a surgical bill.
A newly popular concept is frictionmaxxing; adding in, you guessed it, friction to ordinary computer or machine assisted tasks so we don't all collectively lose our ability to think and move. If I had known about the term back in the old days, I would have used it to describe the sensation of wearing pantyhose in the summer.
But wait, there's more! Nonnamaxxing: acting like an Italian granny and making real food and taking time to enjoy it. I swear I'm not making this up, dear readers. Also, nothingmaxxing, which means Gen Z has discovered "daydreaming" and "staring into space vacantly."
On the flip side, you can also lifemaxx, making every aspect of your daily life all about productivity, improvement, and gainz.
I've decided I should add some maxxing to my life. This are the fab new trends I propose, all of which I expect to see appear in trendy online magazines shortly.
Dopaminemaxxing - eating a whole bag of Reeses Easter peanut butter eggs (that you got for 50% off)
Sleepmaxxing - What's better than 8 hours? How about 10, with an extra half hour to snuggle under the duvet and nothingmaxx?
Fuelmaxxing - yeah, I'm driving 35 mph because that's the speed limit, buddy, and I don't care how close to my rear bumper you get with your Dodge Ram pickup. Don't you think about hitting me, because I'm also insurancemaxxing.
Gummaxxing - going to see if I an market this to my dentist as an alternative to the word 'flossing.' I swear, this rebrand will probably turn a whole generation into after-every-meal flossers.
Babymaxxing - this is what I do when I drive up (at the speed limit, to save gas) and see my grandson Paulie. First I kiss his rosy cheeks (mwah!) then I play tummy tuba with his fat belly, and finally I eat his toes all up nom nom nom. Honestly, this is much more fun than any other maxxing.
Shihtzumaxxiing - pretty much the same as babymaxxing, but with belly rubs instead of tummy tuba.
Maxmaxxing - spending more time with my nephew Max.
Now it's your turn, dear readers. What do you think needs to be maxxed out in your life?
Sheesh! How did I ever miss this??????
ReplyDeleteI guess I want leisuremaxxing so that I can read more [readmaxxing?] of the books [bookmaxxing?] that are in my teetering to-be-read pile . . . .
You excel at commentmaxxing, Joan - you're always the first voice we hear every morning!
DeleteI had a true frictionmaxxing experience: my husband and I had been working on our sailboat, fixing a section of delaminated deck, which involved much sanding of fiberglass. Then home to shower and change to attend a wedding. I apparently did not get all of the fiberglass removed, so the pantyhose ground it into my legs for the next 6 hours.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I did get to enjoy the officiant saying “mahwedge” just like the Very Impressive Clergyman in The Princess Bride.
Lisa, ouchmaxxing with that fiberglass! "Mahwedge"!! One of my favorite movies of all time!
DeleteLisa, I'm wincing at the fiberglass and laughing at the officiant. I wanted to ask the priest who married my daughter to say "mawwaige" but I realized that wasn't quite the right time to be funny...
DeleteI've never heard these phrases before, but I do love your creations. How about "peoplemaxxing" when you max out on people.
ReplyDeleteLike at a mystery con!
DeleteI am currently on a “vacation” and peoplemaxxed yesterday (including my travel mates here…), and today I just want to relaxmax but that is impossible because I fully agreed to this vacation and I’m afraid I might peoplemax again today and then I’ll be in for some meltdownmaxxing like a toddler by the end of the day! Oh why do I make plans on the one day a month I am feeling extrovert-ish and get myself into these pickles?
DeleteStacia, I'm laughing because I do the same thing - it sounds like a great idea when you're alone in your house weeks ahead of the event, but then when you get there...
DeleteDru Ann and Edith, yes, I always peoplemaxx at cons these days. The last Malice I went to, I left the bar at 8pm and went up to my room and went to bed!
Since I retired from teaching, I've fallen behind in learning new slang. I've been "newsmaxxing" for the past eighteen months and your suggestion of Freedom has helped me impose some small control for my sanity. Thank you. (Selden)
ReplyDeleteSelden, I can't count on my self control to stop me from obsessively reading news/substacks/online magazines, so Freedom is a real necessity for me.
DeleteI'm definitely into babymaxxing, and I've been practicing fuelmaxxing since my first Prius, except it used to be called hypermiling. How about stepmaxxing - obsessively making sure I top my 10k/day step goal? My wordmaxxing hasn't been as successful this week, partly because of some distractionmaxxing.
ReplyDeleteI am a stepmaxxer, too, and I think most of my closest associates know that about me.
DeleteMy sister is a stepmaxxer a well, Edith! And I suppose the antidote to distraction is focusmaxxing?
DeleteOh Julia, this post really had me chuckling! Readmaxxing for sure! Soon, maybe gardenmaxxing? (SO much to do before I even try to plant!) And for get togethers with my BFFs, cocktailmaxxing? So much maxxing…do we all need timemaxxing?
ReplyDeleteWe probably do, Suzette! And I'd be happy to join you for cocktailmaxxing...
DeleteJulia, did you learn all of these new words from your children, who are young adults? Oh the perks of having children. I learned new words today. I never heard of any of these words. Speaking of attractiveness, handsome men are a dime a dozen. There is a surplus of handsome men. For me, the bonus, which will get them a chance with me, are several things: kindness, thoughtfulness, respect for women and anyone who may be disadvantaged (LGBTQ, below poverty level, the servers, people with disabilities, the unhoused, Non-white or white who are barely making it).
ReplyDeleteThe only time I have heard of Maxxing is when I heard "I maxxed out my credit card when I travelled to Europe."
On another note, I am getting some ideas for another novel in modern times with these new words. How old would the main character be in order to be familiar with these new words?
I agree, Diana, about the true characteristics women like in men. I watched 60 Minutes last week and apparently a number of young high school boys are using Tren an anabolic steoid used for cows and is dangerous for humans. They instantly bulk up. These teen boys look overly muscled (think Popeye) in my opinion and think girls will swoon over them. But most girls like young men exactly as you have described, and don't care about how overly muscular they are. Brains with kindness not Brawn.
DeleteDiana, this is definitely Gen Z slang/concepts, used by young people who spend a lot of time on Tik Tok, Discord, and other social media platforms. And no, my kids don't use any of these terms, except as a joke!
DeleteThis is not s predominant trend, this column is known as satire.
DeleteJust woke up from a ten hour nap! I intended to take a 45 minute nap and wounded up "sleepmaxxing" in terms of sleeping for ten hours. Since my 94 year old uncle died in late March, I've been waking up at 4 am and taking daily naps! I think it is my body's way of dealing with grief?
ReplyDeleteI might be, Anon. I had several losses in 2017-2018 and I started sleeping a LOT during that period. The good thing is, there's more and more evidence that getting loads of sleep is good for our bodies and minds in all sorts of ways, so think of those naps as smart self-care!
DeleteI am tired of sortingmaxxing, shiftingmaxxing, and boxingmaxxing, and look forward to when my day is just gardenmaxxing. Perhaps add nothingmaxxing or butterflymaxxing. In silence.
ReplyDeleteIf gardenmaxxing isn’t already a thing, it should be!
DeleteMargo, I would add some teamaxxing or winemaxxing, depending on the time of day you're hanging out enjoying the garden!
DeleteMargo, seeing our first butterflys here in north Texas! Thought of you.
DeleteOMG Julia, I am laughmaxxing so hard at this post, I can’t even thinkmaxx anything nearly as funny as yours. But I need more laughter in my life, so thank you for dishing up the funniest thing I’ve read in ages!
ReplyDeleteJonelle, I'm gratitudemaxxing at your comment.
DeleteThe topic of "maxxing" is an entirely new one to me, and I love your humorous take on it, Julia! I find it strangely consistent with the times we live in, where moderation seems to have gone utterly out of fashion and it feels like culturally we are all about "maxxing" everything. Deep sigh.
ReplyDeleteIt dos fell that way, doesn't it, Susan? I can't blame the younger generation; it feels like nothing will ever get them ahead unless they give 1000% to the effort - and even that might not be enough.
DeleteReading about yet another stupid trend fueled by "Youts" proving once again that youth is wasted on the young makes me want to be vomitmaxxing. Or as George Carlin once termed it, "engage in an involuntary personal protein spill".
ReplyDeleteConsider this your daily "Grumpy Old Man Yelling at People to Get Off His Lawn"-maxxing.
Jay, I think you're curmudgeonmaxxing. :-D
DeleteEveryone has something they can max out on Jay! Lately due to a new home construction next door - I am "stopblocking my driveway MAXXING"!
DeleteToo funny Julia. Your babymaxxing does sound like the best!
ReplyDeleteI would love to do some bookmaxxing--lie on the couch and read a mystery novel for as long as possible. Then there's bobbleheadmaxxing... watching Jackie and Shadow's two little bobblehead fuzzball eagle babies. Unfortunately my long to-do list calls me.
It's a tale as old as time, Gillian: your leisuremaxxing is set aside in favor of todolistmaxxing.
DeleteNothingmaxxing sounds like the world's most trendy excuse for being a lazy bum, doesn't it? I have seen articles--that I did not bother reading--about already attractive young men undergoing crazy surgeries to make themselves even prettier. But bashing themselves in the face with hammers? What a nutty world we live in.
ReplyDeleteI have been yardmaxxing lately, six hours of it yesterday. Being efficient that way, I am also readmaxxing at the same time, thanks to excellent bone-conducting headphones that allow me to also hear the birds.
Book club tonight at our house, so I will be housekeepingmaxxing and cooking most of the day. Carry on!
Next Tuesday I will be engaged in the same activities, for the same reason.
DeleteKaren, I've been putting off much needed yard work - excuse me, procrastinationmaxxing - so I need to take a page from your book and listen to something while I pick up the 1000 sticks and branches that fell over the winter.
DeleteGood excercisemaxing, Julia!
DeleteIt's really nothing new - but a clever use of taking the expression "maxing out" and adding some word that has a meaning of something one likes to do. I must say it is clever!
ReplyDeleteLove your post today Julia - so funny!
Thank you, Anon, I like humormaxxing. :-)
DeleteOldToyotamaxxing: My beloved SUV is 17 years old and has a young 95000 on the odometer. I can always find it in a parking lot because the spare tire hangs off the back.
ReplyDeleteOoo, Margaret, we're related: I'm OldHondamaxxing with my 16 year old Accord!
DeleteI am OldHondamaxxing with my 22-year old Honda Odyssey! And praymaxxing it continues to keep rolling along! — Pat S
DeleteI would like a healthy dose of naturemaxxing every day, but alas, choremaxxing gets in the way.
ReplyDeleteFlora, I'm laughing out loud at that one.
DeleteWhy is it that I have two Gen-Z children and neither of them use these phrases?
ReplyDeleteOh wait. Maybe because I raised them to speak in correct grammatical sentences.
All I seem to do these days is workmaxx and that hardly sounds like fun.
Liz, they most likely also have a life outside the internet...
DeleteYes for sure Julia. I wish our public schools would ban all computer use in schools. We all managed to get an education, college degrees, and successful careers with out computers and phones in school. All work in public schools in our district is primarily on computers as well as all research. It's convenient but not necessary and it just means kids are on computers at school, after school, at home and pretty much all the time, especially since I phones are computers now as well.
DeleteGrumpy old lady here: but at my age I want nothing maxed out. The bottom of the hour glass is fast filling. Maxed out looks like THE END to me. No thank you, I don’t want to or have to look for it. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteI hear you Elisabeth, but as Paula noted there are some things even as we age - fun, laughing, smiling are all things we can safely max out on!
DeleteI propose 3 maxxings: funamaxxing - a must have max somewhere in each and every day, Smilemaxxing at strangers in grocery store lines, and the best for last ~ laughoutloudmaxxing. A definite gotta do to keep reality from forcing us to be sad sacks. I’ve noticed that when my friend and I begin laughing over coffee at the coffeehouse, the people first stare and then they start smiling just a little bit. it’s such a contagious sound.
ReplyDeleteLaughing out loud, Julia! I knew about looksmaxing, and would suggest that these young men hitting themselves in jaw with hammers hit themselves in the head instead. Maybe it would improved their brains. I much prefer your alternative maxings!
ReplyDeleteI would comment, but it's too hard to type and howl at the same time. This is fabulous, and if people are smacking themselves with hammers these days - I'm so glad I'm a boomer, not a banger!
ReplyDeleteVery nice reply(maxxing?), Kait!! — Pat S
DeleteThis is SO great! What on earth is the deal with the hammer? (I think I am the queen of savingpaperbagsmaxxing. I have that down to an art.)
ReplyDeleteNot only are young boys/men hitting themselves in the jaw or cheekbones, but they are taking a deadly steroid called 'tran" that quickly bulks them up with muscles looking like Schwarzenegger in his prime. Actually, they look terrible and I can't image any girls liking it either.
ReplyDelete