JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Okay, let's leave the weather behind for a bit, shall we? Instead, let's goggle at the trends the youths are pursuing these days, specifically "maxxing."
If you're as terminally online as I am (I've GOT to use Freedom to block Reddit!) you've probably seen one of the most popular forms - looksmaxxing. This is popular among a subgroup of young men who don't believe what girls really want is someone thoughtful, reliable, and maybe has a sense of humor. Instead, these youts (shout out to My Cousin Vinny) do weird things to their faces and bodies with the goal of maximizing their attractiveness. One is famous for hitting himself in the jaw with a hammer, which, if I had know was effective, I could have used for Youngest's irregularly shaped lower mandible, and saved $8k on a surgical bill.
A newly popular concept is frictionmaxxing; adding in, you guessed it, friction to ordinary computer or machine assisted tasks so we don't all collectively lose our ability to think and move. If I had known about the term back in the old days, I would have used it to describe the sensation of wearing pantyhose in the summer.
But wait, there's more! Nonnamaxxing: acting like an Italian granny and making real food and taking time to enjoy it. I swear I'm not making this up, dear readers. Also, nothingmaxxing, which means Gen Z has discovered "daydreaming" and "staring into space vacantly."
On the flip side, you can also lifemaxx, making every aspect of your daily life all about productivity, improvement, and gainz.
I've decided I should add some maxxing to my life. This are the fab new trends I propose, all of which I expect to see appear in trendy online magazines shortly.
Dopaminemaxxing - eating a whole bag of Reeses Easter peanut butter eggs (that you got for 50% off)
Sleepmaxxing - What's better than 8 hours? How about 10, with an extra half hour to snuggle under the duvet and nothingmaxx?
Fuelmaxxing - yeah, I'm driving 35 mph because that's the speed limit, buddy, and I don't care how close to my rear bumper you get with your Dodge Ram pickup. Don't you think about hitting me, because I'm also insurancemaxxing.
Gummaxxing - going to see if I an market this to my dentist as an alternative to the word 'flossing.' I swear, this rebrand will probably turn a whole generation into after-every-meal flossers.
Babymaxxing - this is what I do when I drive up (at the speed limit, to save gas) and see my grandson Paulie. First I kiss his rosy cheeks (mwah!) then I play tummy tuba with his fat belly, and finally I eat his toes all up nom nom nom. Honestly, this is much more fun than any other maxxing.
Shihtzumaxxiing - pretty much the same as babymaxxing, but with belly rubs instead of tummy tuba.
Maxmaxxing - spending more time with my nephew Max.
Now it's your turn, dear readers. What do you think needs to be maxxed out in your life?
Sheesh! How did I ever miss this??????
ReplyDeleteI guess I want leisuremaxxing so that I can read more [readmaxxing?] of the books [bookmaxxing?] that are in my teetering to-be-read pile . . . .
I had a true frictionmaxxing experience: my husband and I had been working on our sailboat, fixing a section of delaminated deck, which involved much sanding of fiberglass. Then home to shower and change to attend a wedding. I apparently did not get all of the fiberglass removed, so the pantyhose ground it into my legs for the next 6 hours.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I did get to enjoy the officiant saying “mahwedge” just like the Very Impressive Clergyman in The Princess Bride.
I've never heard these phrases before, but I do love your creations. How about "peoplemaxxing" when you max out on people.
ReplyDeleteLike at a mystery con!
DeleteI am currently on a “vacation” and peoplemaxxed yesterday (including my travel mates here…), and today I just want to relaxmax but that is impossible because I fully agreed to this vacation and I’m afraid I might peoplemax again today and then I’ll be in for some meltdownmaxxing like a toddler by the end of the day! Oh why do I make plans on the one day a month I am feeling extrovert-ish and get myself into these pickles?
DeleteSince I retired from teaching, I've fallen behind in learning new slang. I've been "newsmaxxing" for the past eighteen months and your suggestion of Freedom has helped me impose some small control for my sanity. Thank you. (Selden)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely into babymaxxing, and I've been practicing fuelmaxxing since my first Prius, except it used to be called hypermiling. How about stepmaxxing - obsessively making sure I top my 10k/day step goal? My wordmaxxing hasn't been as successful this week, partly because of some distractionmaxxing.
ReplyDeleteOh Julia, this post really had me chuckling! Readmaxxing for sure! Soon, maybe gardenmaxxing? (SO much to do before I even try to plant!) And for get togethers with my BFFs, cocktailmaxxing? So much maxxing…do we all need timemaxxing?
ReplyDeleteJulia, did you learn all of these new words from your children, who are young adults? Oh the perks of having children. I learned new words today. I never heard of any of these words. Speaking of attractiveness, handsome men are a dime a dozen. There is a surplus of handsome men. For me, the bonus, which will get them a chance with me, are several things: kindness, thoughtfulness, respect for women and anyone who may be disadvantaged (LGBTQ, below poverty level, the servers, people with disabilities, the unhoused, Non-white or white who are barely making it).
ReplyDeleteThe only time I have heard of Maxxing is when I heard "I maxxed out my credit card when I travelled to Europe."
On another note, I am getting some ideas for another novel in modern times with these new words. How old would the main character be in order to be familiar with these new words?
Just woke up from a ten hour nap! I intended to take a 45 minute nap and wounded up "sleepmaxxing" in terms of sleeping for ten hours. Since my 94 year old uncle died in late March, I've been waking up at 4 am and taking daily naps! I think it is my body's way of dealing with grief?
ReplyDeleteI am tired of sortingmaxxing, shiftingmaxxing, and boxingmaxxing, and look forward to when my day is just gardenmaxxing. Perhaps add nothingmaxxing or butterflymaxxing. In silence.
ReplyDeleteOMG Julia, I am laughmaxxing so hard at this post, I can’t even thinkmaxx anything nearly as funny as yours. But I need more laughter in my life, so thank you for dishing up the funniest thing I’ve read in ages!
ReplyDelete