Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Bequested, Bothered and Bewildered

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: As some of you may recall, my mother passed away a little over a year ago. I recently made a trip to my Dad's to help carry away stuff he's clearing out (he's fine in his own home, thankfully, but he wants to prepare as best he can for the possibility he'll have to move into some form of assisted living.) While I was happy to take several objets d'arte, some lovely glassware, and FIFTEEN photo albums, it's got me to thinking - my house is starting to fill up with dead people's stuff. Which leads to the question, what do you do with it all?

It started with my grandmother, who left me some fine pieces of furniture. She had four children and eighteen grandchildren when she died, so no one heir got overloaded. Then, Ross's dad downsized by handing over all the family goodies from his parents - silver, china, art, knick-knacks. Tasteful knock-knacks, but you still need to find a place to display them, When my father-in-law departed this life in 2002, the real deluge hit. Despite "mindfully living into simplicity" (Victor was reared in Connecticut but became the ultimate Southern Californian in the second half of his life) we had six enormous suitcases of stuff and shipped the same number of UPS's largest boxes home. There are STILL unopened boxes stored in my barn. 


 I've come to divide these mementos of a loved one's life into a few categories. First is the easiest - inexpensive and useful. Books can go to Goodwill. Toys (for grandchildren long since grown) are welcome at family or women's shelters, as are clothing donations. Kitchen ware, fans, cleaning supplies - there are dozens of charitable endeavors happy to take them off your hands. Second easiest? Expensive and useful. Ross's dad left dozens of exquisite ties by Hermes and Brooks Brothers, from Jermyn Street and Hong Kong. The Sailor has a lifetime supply ready at hand. Silver and good china falls in this category, if you 
 use it, and I do.


Third, and getting trickier: inexpensive and useless. Most sentimental stuff falls in this category, which is why it's so difficult to figure out what to do. Do you save old Playbills from Broadway shows from the seventies? How about the newspaper clippings. the matchbooks and the photographs. Oh, my lord, so many photographs. Costume jewelry you'll never wear, but can picture your grandmother in. Grandma's hand-crocheted afghans. One is useful, but you have ten, and several of them were made up in those uniquely 1970s colorways.

It would be lovely to save it all, but it keeps piling up - our stuff and our parents' stuff and our grandparents' stuff. This may be why in the olden days, people moved into a house and kept it in the family for a century. They were just avoiding making hard decisions.

Equally tricky, in a different way, are those things that are expensive and useless. I now have a set of twelve beautiful Danish modern crystal double shot glasses from the sixties, when adults evidently partied as hard as kids at a twenty-first birthday party do today. Wine glasses, I can use. Highball glasses, even. My friends appreciate a nice drink or two. But there's no way I'm going to be lining up double shots at my next dinner party. Besides, I already have a complete set of hand-painted 1950s shot glasses from the Philippines (another bequest.) 

Then there are the fancy smoking accoutrements, the heavy crystal ashtrays (so useful in old murder mysteries!) the silver cigarette holders, the embossed leather and silver match holders and the pepper mill-sized lighters you kept on the coffee table and used, I guess, if Bette Davis and Joan Crawford came for cocktails. I have all of these, dating back to the thirties and forties and fifties, and the only way they'll ever recoup their value is if a production company decides to make another version of MAD MEN, but starring stockbrokers during the Truman Administration.

 Some things simply go out of style. My dad, in his downsizing, would like to sell mom's china cabinet. It's a high-quality piece, cherry wood, felt-lined drawers, weighs about 500 pounds, and it has a distinctively mid-eighties look that isn't modern, or vintage, or midcentury, or anything, really, other than Not What People Want these days. (Ironically, Mom got rid of the Danish Modern teak cabinet, which would fetch a small fortune now, because it was so completely out of style in the eighties. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.) All us kids have out own china cabinets by now - I'm hoping my Rustic Pine 1990 hutch will be back in fashion before I shuffle off this mortal coil - so passing it on is a nonstarter. Unless, God forbid, Dad still has it on that day, hopefully many years in the future, when he goes to join Mom. 



I'm close to the end of the period of my life when I'll be inheriting stuff. When Dad goes, it'll be my generation, my brother and sister and I on the leading edge (and thankfully they both have kids so I'll never have to clean out their houses.) I need to start passing heirlooms along to my children and work on winnowing down those difficult, sentimental-but-what-do-you-do-with-them items.

Unless...I do have a large cellar. And a full attic. And a barn. If I can just revive that idea that the house stays in the family for a hundred years, I may never have to sort through those fifteen photo albums.

Dear readers, have you dealt with hand-me-downs, heirlooms and hodge-podge? What's been your approach to taming the generational tide of stuff?

61 comments:

  1. I haven’t dealt too well with it, as my basement would verify, because simply dumping all that sentimental stuff is tough. We’ve gone the “share with others in the family” route and made donations, but it’s easier to stash it than to sort through it . . . .

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    1. Thus the boxes of father-in-law's things still in the barn after 17 years. I hear you, Joan.

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  2. Photographs--I think of the catastrophes in which people lose everything precious--so I've scanned most of the photos that will mean something to family members and posted them in online albums. That way, if the photo albums end up lost or thrown out (it happened to one uncle's family when an ex-wife got custody of stuff), the photos and their stories will remain. Quilts--my mom loved to quilt and we've divvied up those so that everyone who wanted one has one--and have queried the grandchildren as to their preferences. Trying to clear out the basement/garage this summer--to avoid leaving junk for the next generation. But, I like those categories, Julia, and will keep them in mind as I sort.

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    1. I've been thinking about scanning a bunch of the photos, Flora, although that begs the question - what kind of overflowing digital inheritances will our grandkids be sorting through?

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  3. OMG Julia, Just Say No to more stuff! seriously, if anyone really wants to clear out, there are services that will come in, organize, run an estate sale, and turn the proceeds over to you. You can hold back anything you can't part with. Barbara Ross wrote a piece about it for my husband's retirement website. It could save your life:) https://www.topretirements.com/blog/home-and-garden/mission-possible-cleaning-out-a-big-cluttered-house.html/

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    1. Lucy, we've been talking about this with my dad, who has been focusing a tad obsessively on "being ready," despite the fact he's a very healthy 83 year old. My sister has been sending him info on just such services, to assure him he won't be dumping a huge problem in our laps if he does have to downsize to assisted living.

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  4. I agree! Hire a professional organizer, get her to get everything out of there. Just let it go. We did that for our basement a couple of years ago, and truly, if you don’t know what it is, or that it’s there, it’s better if it’s just gone. Truly, the entire air quality changed. The quality of life changed. You’ll be so happy getting rid of it all!
    I have never missed one item. I have never regretted giving away one thing, because I don’t even know what it was! I am right in the midst of doing the same thing with my clothes now, out out out. I only have things I love onions and it is glorious. Instead of feeling like I don’t have anything anymore, it feels like I have a thousand times more things, because each one is perfect.

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    1. I know that feeling, Hank! I Kondo'd my closet and accessories a few years back and it was gloriously liberating. I need to move my head into a space where I can let go of [beloved family member's] things.

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  5. I don’t know how onions got there! That is just this random word that typed itself. So funny!

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    1. Ha! Onions. That's amazing.

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    2. That makes me think of auto-correct on my phone. It changes proper names of people and places so that Roz comes out as Rod and other presumptuous drivel. It makes me so crazy if I see it after it's been sent. Sometimes I have to change it to the correct spelling 2 or 3 times before it will accept it. Onions indeed!

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    3. a bit late here, but I thought "onions" was a poetic bit of phrasing. Something you love so much it brings tears to your eyes. Onions! Start a new phrase trend!
      -Melanie

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  6. The water heater leaked in the finished basement, so I have stuff stacked all over the house and garage. Books, clothes, and household items I can donate. St Vincent de Paul takes clean furniture and a local consignment shop takes "barely used" furniture. I have a drawer of costume jewelry. Photos and slides can be digitized. My biggest problem is the "it might be valuable" category: figurines, vases, and odd pieces of glass. E-bay is helpful. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks, Margaret! The Smithie actually has an Ebay store, and she's been very helpful with the, shall we call it, curation process.

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  7. Our attic is populated with dead people's stuff. And I've stopped worrying about it. It's a huge finished attic, complete with heat and AC, a bathroom, and even a box room, which I'd only read about before moving here. Once in a while we "shop" the attic, if we need a new lamp or picture or small table, whatever. Mostly we keep the door shut.

    I'm in the process of sending things off to my two married grandchildren--sterling, china, crystal et al. My granddaughter-in-law, Alexandra, is Romanian. She and her family got out with a couple of suitcases 27 years ago, and Ally has nothing of her family's treasures, all being left behind. She is entranced with anything I give her, is using my wedding silver as we speak, and I have my mother's china packed to send to her.

    Check with nursing homes when looking for a place to donate small items, costume jewelry, etc. They use them as bingo prizes, no kidding. You might find just the right home for that scarf or tie or brooch. Speak with the social worker, and I guarantee she will be helpful.

    You can donate anything but onions.

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  8. I now see that there might have been a silver lining when my house burned down. Turned out that most everything was "just stuff." Some things could never be replaced - mostly photographs - but most things were never missed at all. Until once in a while at a yard sale I'll see something and think "I had one one those. Whatever happened to it? Oh yeah, burned up."

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    1. Positive spin: finally, a chance to upgrade/update all that stuff we got as hand-me-downs when first setting up house.

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  9. I groan. Dead people's stuff indeed. (And there's a story title, eh?) Somehow so much of it filtered down to me.

    I may be dreaming, but today I am heading off to the annual lumch with all my cousins, and I'm taking with me a box of our grandparents' old china,etc., just hoping some of it will find a new home. But I suspect they are all of the "just say no to stuff" persuasion. Wish me luck.

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    1. The problem is, it's easy to just say no if there's someone else (like you) to take custody of the family heirlooms.

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  10. Oh heavens.

    I have tried to limit stuff myself. My grandmothers hand-china tea cups. One afghan. A few other items. The rest of it, well, my church has a flea market. Let's just say we make donations regularly.

    Fortunately, my father-in-law sold his house years ago and has already disposed of much of the stuff. My dad really has tried to keep the "junk" to a minimum, although my stepmom does like her knick-knacks. I suspect there will be a lot of "keep or toss" conversations between my sister and me when the time comes.

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    1. Where are all the hoarders that alarm and annoy family members when you really need them (to take everything off your hands?)

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  11. Actually I would really appreciate a good locally grown onion as I certainly can't make them grow where I live. Onions are a big part of my cooking life. But to the topic in hand. My mother and Father left their life in Ceylon (Sri Lanka now) with 44 wooden crates, the sort one cannot lift, which contained their household, but not furniture. In those days and that life, houses came furnished. By the time my father died, there was a houseful in Cornwall awaiting my attention as my mother moved on. My father's entire professional life after WW2 was 'abroad'. So what one came 'home' with were the souvenirs of the countries. I followed tradition by marrying, moving to the USA, and then settling here. So here's a solution, leave the country. I received no furniture because who wants to ship furniture unless its really, really priceless. But I received my share in objects d'art - translation: stuff that needs dusting! Moving twenty nine years of stuff from Chappaqua to Maine gave me the opportunity to move of lot of it to our local transfer station 'Mall'. Out of sight, out of mind. Now as we approach twenty years in Maine I look around our house and think too much stuff. But I do know what to do and how to do it. Just recently I have been asking myself, "Does this still give JOY"? I find posing it as a question to myself really helps me to sort the wheat from the chaff of life. On the practical side, the Internet has given us so many ways to donate or even set up our own Etsy shops to sell off the stuff we can't bear to reduce, repurpose or recycle.

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    1. If you can hang onto it for a few more years, you can offload it all on the oldest grandson. My first apartment kitchen (senior year of college) was 100% supplied with grandmotherly hand-me-downs. as were most of my sheets and blankets.

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  12. I have the same problem. Now in addition to everything from my family, we have photos, slides, and home movies from my husband's family. My plan is to digitize everything so everyone has copies. Have I started yet? No, because when I include my families photos and home movies, the amount of stuff to digitize is overwhelming. Does anyone have any tips for getting motivated?

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    1. I got started, Cathy, because of special occasions. Like scanning and posting photos of my dad and grandfather in their service uniforms. Posting photos of my mom and grandmothers on Mother's Day. In other words, a bit at a time.

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    2. Cathy, there are services for that! We had a zillion home movies stored in tiny little cassettes that nothing plays any more. The Smithie found a place in Portland which converted everything to digital files - and they store them in the cloud as backup. When I finish sorting through the 15 photo albums, I'm going to take the physical pictures and have the same thing done.

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    3. Good idea, Julia. I have all the family photo albums stuck in an upstairs closet, but just can never find the time to go through them, much less scan them. It never occurred to me that I could just take them to someone. But then would I ever find time to label the digital photos? Our attic is full of my parents' old slides, too. I'm afraid they've been ruined by the heat.

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  13. Very timely, Julia. We emptied out a 1900-square foot house used continuously for nearly 60 years by three or more men, who stuffed things, willy-nilly, into every available nook, cranny, and corner, including a full basement, a huge attic, and three cars' worth of garages. I found Art Deco furniture, sets of crystal glassware for 20+, a pair of spats from the 1920's, and a brass bed frame for a single bed, along with gorgeous antique wooden tripods, a huge round mirror still in the box from the 1940's, and enough wildlife art to start my own gallery.

    Add that to 75 years' output of photos, negatives, slides, film (some commissioned by Walt Disney in the 50's), and video, and you're talking serious piles of stuff. And that does not even take into consideration the great aunt's stuff, and the treasures from two sets of parents. It's really overwhelming. It also does not take into consideration OUR stuff, accumulated over the last 68-70 years. Lord help us.

    I thought moving would help, that I could winnow as we packed, but instead I packed it all, and we moved it to the new house. Now I have no idea where to go with anything. Some things seem to have equal value, and it's really hard to discern, at this point.

    Even though I know where the spats came from, a local brewing magnate (one of the Christian Moerlein heirs, Margaret), some of whose clothing I have already donated to the Cincinnati Art Museum, they do not want them. I guess they will end up going to the Playhouse for their costume collection.

    No onions, but I just dug up the 125 bulbs of garlic I planted last fall, thinking I could sell them, along with herbs, from my new garden. Which doesn't exist yet. Anyone need some homegrown garlic?

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    1. Honestly, Karen, doesn't it sometimes feel that the easiest thing to do is just die and leave it as someone else's problem?

      I could use some garlic! For some reason, my CSA has been delivering garlic scapes in every box. Just give me a garlic bulb, please.

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    2. Email your address. I'll send you a few!

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    3. The scapes mean that the garlic is not far away, though. They cut off the scapes to encourage more bulb growth, and then the bulbs are ready a few weeks later.

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  14. Julia, I remember when your husband died and I am sorry that I did not know about your Mom. You have my condolences. I was thinking about how people in Scandinavia do not collect so much stuff the way Americans do. You mentioned Playbills. Would the local history museum or a local college history? drama? department like to have these playbills? Lots of questions here. Thinking about when my great aunt and great uncle died. My great uncle was a dialogue coach for actors like Richard Kiley a long time ago. He also did radio during the Great Depression. He was an artist and he owned a picture frame shop in MN. He and his wife moved to California and lived there for about 20 years before he died. His wife died a few years later. They had no children, though they had lots of nieces and nephews. We went through a lot of their things. Clothes were donated to Goodwill. Many books were donated to local public libraries. The libraries were very happy to have the books. Some of them went on library shelves. Some of them went to book sales for the library. We kept the photos. We got one photo album and another relative really wanted the other photo album so we gave it to them. We got a few pieces of furniture like their side tables. We did NOT want to throw away anything and add them to landfills.

    My great uncle had a ? pitcher ? from my great grandparents. I am not sure what it is exactly. It looks different from other pitchers. One of these days I would love to bring it to Antiques Roadshow and ask them what it is! My best guess is that the pitcher came from Spain where my great grandparents' grandparents were born.

    Diana

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    1. Diana, thank heavens for historical societies, museums or, as Karen in Ohio says above, theater groups who can use odd items for costuming and props!

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  15. I agree on HIRE A PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER! Then write a book about it.

    We solved part of our basement clutter problem when the chimney had to be rebuilt and EVERYTHING down there got coated with soot. Greasy soot. Even my husband was happy to throw it out.

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    1. Hallie, I'm getting help from a professional organizer - Celia Wakefield, who comments here! But I'm focusing on organizing my time, workspace and professional obligations right now.

      My version of greasy soot is bird poop. Stuff is stored in the barn, birds poop in it, it gets tossed. The swallows make the call for you.

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    2. Yes, Julia, write a book about it! All your essays are fabulous--and what fertile ground that would be!

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  16. I have a small condo, and I'm stuffed to the gills from my own stuff. Taking things from my parents? I don't know what I would do with it. Fortunately, my brother is more interested in that stuff than I am.

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    1. It's good to have a sibling with an interest and a large house, Mark.

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  17. My parents died at home in their 90's. Mother said they couldn't move to assisted living, etc. They'd have to deal with all their stuff. Mother still had clothes and supplies from her school teaching days. We packed and donated for days. Luckily I had a sibling and children. Everyone who wanted one got a set of china. After hauling away all we wanted we gave cleaning out to a estate sale agency. I am, however, stuck with family portraits, etc. that my kids will not want. After dealing with all this stuff, I married a man with all his stuff and family stuff ( he was an only child) and his late wife's stuff. Luckily I have a huge house with full basement and attic. We happily contribute to the twice a year church rummage sale. We sold his house pretty much completely furnished with dish ware and utensils.

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    1. I've gotten rid of some good items at our church's auction, Ellie.I feel okay about it because the table/lamp/secretary will go to someone who really wants it, and the money involved goes for a good cause.

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  18. I'm trying to downsize our household stuff which includes my son's stuff, my parents', my inlaws. Eventually my son will be on his way and what he doesn't take we'll get rid of. We helped my parents move and downsize from Plano to Richardson to Houston to finally an apartment at a senior community. We did acquire 2 or 3 pieces of furniture and some knickknacks, mostly family stuff like a little butter crock to fill up at the dairy, antique potato masher, etc. Mom also painted so I got some of her work and wound up with too many large family portraits, large as hang on the wall large.My older brother took all the photo albums with my relief and blessings and many, many items for his kids' households. Ditto my sister and little brother. My inlaws were ensconced in their home in the country with a barn, a garage, and a workroom. And they were all filled with 40+ years of stuff. Various nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc came out to take what they wanted. By this time I didn't want a thing. No furniture, no jewelry, nothing. We picked out some artwork and jewelry for our granddaughter. I think my son took some artwork. I broke down and took her Waterford crystal and now wish I hadn't. Or that I could keep one size of wineglasses and ditch the rest. I put my foot down on getting a set of china. We still ended up with too many knickknacks from their travels. We have one storage unit devoted to their stuff which Frank is supposed to clear out and do something with. He did just start going through all their slides, picking ones to digitize. Hopefully he will toss them when it's done. I think I am going to start doing a stealth paring down. I know my son doesn't want our junk and doesn't have a household at this time and may not for a long time if he goes overseas to teach. I think we could dispense with our cave jug collection from when he was a kid. You know, little souvenir moonshine jugs with the cave's name on it. And the little freebie ceramic pitchers from that restaurant in Segovia, Spain. You get the idea.

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    1. Pat, some hipster will LOVE your cave jug collection as an ironically kitschy display. Go ahead and pass it on to Goodwill and make their day.

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    2. Boxed it up today for the Salvation Army along with a bell, toothpick holder, and jigger. All cave-related!

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  19. Remembering Kathryn Windham telling at Jonesborough about having a simple pine coffin made for herself, then inheriting china and putting it in the coffin waiting for a relative to need china. Of course, "that means it'll have to be moved when I . . .
    never mind, that won't be MY problem."
    I told my niece that she is to keep and treasure every item I own . . . and then we laughed. <3
    The spirit of Wopila, or give-away, is "I've enjoyed this long enough. Now someone else can." All my school "stuff" stayed at school, or went to other schools, to be used by new educators. I gave my silver flask and several other items to a friend who will use them in theater work. Freecycle is another help with giving away.

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    1. Mary, I've never heard the term Wopila and I like it very much! I'm going to keep that principle in mind going through things.

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  20. Julia, I downsized my parents five times, counting the two times I moved my mother after my dad died. So there's very little left of their things. Her china, which is also mine. Her silver, which we use. The portraits of my brother and me done when we were each three. I do have some of my mom's treasured Japanese and Chinese prints, brought back from their trips to Hong Kong and Tokyo, stored under the bed in the guest room. I don't have a place to hang them but haven't been able to give them away. I've started to worry about leaving a bunch of stuff for my daughter to deal with, too. So always trying to edit things!

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  21. My husband and I figured it one day and we have now cleaned out NINE of our grandparent and parent homes - from one room at assisted living to a duplex where his grandmother had lived for more than fifty years and then the really challenging five bedroom home. Our families tend to be long-lived savers. People asked us "Don't you worry you are getting rid of VALUABLE things?". No, we didn't. We kept things that are usable and either we or someone in the family liked. We gave away as much as we could and even had dumpsters. It doesn't get easier and I can honestly say we haven't missed ANYTHING, ever. Hardest for us - financial records and odd memorabilia we remembered which was neither useful nor attractive. My funniest moment came when my husband was holding a weird little naked statue that had come in some odd mailer and had lived in his grandmother's desk forever. He said "No one will remember this was in my grandmother's and was always in her desk!". Well, I guess not. Also, strangely funny, the guy who did industrial dust cleaning in the basement was Tom Hanks distant cousin and looked like Tom. Mostly our house is exploding with wonderful things that we are trying to get rid of as fast as we can and we are grateful we are nearing the end of the inheritance years.

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  22. Also, my sister-in-law and I split a set of chopsticks that were in my father-in-law's desk - I know he's somewhere laughing about that one!

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  23. I am currently living in my parents’ house. Not really my choice, but here I am. Their stuff, my stuff, some of my grandparents’ stuff, even great-grandparents. Today I went into the basement to look for one specific item and threw my arms up in the air. My parents are both alive and in assisted living. I need to start downsizing my own things. I am close to calling an auction house for most of their things. They should have downsized years ago. I have developed new rules in my life. Use good china, use what you have, don’t store things - out of sight equals out of mind. I don’t believe in the Marie Kondo way of decluttering, but seriously does one need to keep pieces of furniture that you will never use and you are afraid to give to one child in fear another child will feel slighted? My parents gave me a junk piece of furniture instead of one that has sat for thirty five years in the basement. It is now going to be sold. Had they given it to me, I might keep it.

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  24. My house is full. The beautiful inherited pieces from my parents are dear to me and have found just the right places in our house, and those combined with our own furniture has taken up all spots available. The problem is that my mother-in-law has a house full of lovely, antique and expensive furniture and items, too. She's almost 91, and we will most likely have to face her abundance one day not too far in the future. My husband does have a sister and there are four grandchildren (two from us and two from his sister). There is one large blanket chest (and I mean an extremely large one) that my husband would like to have, but other than that I don't know that he is especially attached to other pieces. I'm not sure how his sister feels, but I'm willing to bet she doesn't want a lot either. That would leave the grandchildren to absorb some of it, and they might want a piece for sentimental reasons, but most of that generation is now passing on the treasured antiques and family heirlooms. This disinterest in continuing the family possession of items is a real thing. With me, I have loved having some of my mother's favorites things in my home, so it's a hard attitude for me to understand. Of course, I do understand that most people don't want to live in a museum of someone else's life. I have a lot to clear out now, to get rid of clutter, and I'm not looking forward to dealing with more, but we will find a place for the blanket chest. Of that I'm certain.

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  25. We’ve moved 4 times in 7 years. The “legacy” belongings (which started accumulating 13 years ago) were winnowed down each time. This last time, June 2019, most of what was left ended up at the landfill. I felt guilty, but I also was mindful to NOT have my children deal with what we did. I have the memories, and that’s good enough.

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  26. I'm in my childhood home and have no close family to inherit. I've cleaned out somethings since I retired and give small things to friends who might appreciate them. I would like to scan pictures in case I have to go in a home but right now I enjoy looking at my photographs, knickknacks from family or trips, etc. Now that I am cooking and baking more, I use things like bundt pans, whisks, etc. so I don't want to throw things away. Kind of hoping that I just die in the house and let somebody else deal with it.

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  27. Everything I read says that the Gen Xers and Millenials are saying loud NOs to boomers' stuff. I have one son who wanted family furniture so what we didn't have room for is in storage, paid for, but now his wife and he have to battle about what their new house will contain. I get that.
    My home looks like a museum. My cousins on my father's side give me their historic items because they know I want it. I treasure it....though thank goodness my aunt and mother went through our shared grandparents' possessions and got rid of decades of National Geographics. I probably would have kept them. But now I have them all on CD. When the magazine Gourmet quit publishing, I wrote the Conde Nast folks and suggested that they should put all their back issues on CD. Those were treasures. Now I am sorry I threw 90% of mine out. No, I'm not a hoarder or pack rat, but I DO like STUFF, sentimental, historical stuff....and the rest of it, oy, so much time to go through it all...when I want to be writing. And so it piles up.

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  28. I have separated from my husband. I have to go through my house that I have lived in for 30+ years and do the same things that you are all describing so I can get the house ready to sell. It makes me feel better that we all have this sort of challenge at one time or another. It does help to also think that those no longer needed things will help others. I guess we have to celebrate each time we donate something or have a clearer space than we had before so we will have a sense of accomplishment.

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  29. I read this blog earlier today but had to go to work so here I am at the end of the day. And I want to join in this conversation but it isn't easy.

    I think it's fair to say I, like the rest of you, have done my fair share of sorting out stuff. Moving my grandparents out of their home of 50 years, back in 82, brings a different set of emotions than moving my mother to Oregon when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's to from my own most recent move to a smaller apartment. My grandparents wanted to move, even if it meant not keeping everything they owned, they would dispose of the more valuable items to members of their extended family. My mother didn't understand what was happening but my sister and I knew that keeping the things she recognized would make the move easier it for her. I'm still not ready to dispose of my small stuff even though I know I will probably never use most of it again and hate paying for the storage unit I have. Now my sister is ruthless, she is very good at disposing of stuff, other people's stuff, though she does have a room filled with books and seems very happy to move them from one home to another.

    I think the reason for the clean out is important. Are you cleaning out to start over? Are you downsizing and just need to have less? Are you making room for more? Are you trying to help the next generation start their new life on their own? Or are you trying to make the disposal of your stuff less painful when you no longer need the stuff? Whatever the reason, I would say don't let others rush you. You may need to consult others but the final "keep" box vs "go" box decision is yours.

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  30. This posting is very timely for me. We've moved four times in the past nine years, having raised four kids. Each time the downsizing was wrenching to me (not so much to my husband), but I am getting used to it. My sisters keep telling me "you won't miss the stuff you get rid of," and they are mostly right. This book has been a big help to me: "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter," by Margareta Magnusson. (I always think that organizing books will be life-changing--and they usually aren't. However, this one is.) Someone above mentioned that Swedes have a different philosophy about keeping THINGS. You don't want to burden those you love when it is time to shuffle off. You don't need more than you can use. Be generous with your belongings. Give them to your kids and friends. Isn't it nicer to do it now, when you are alive and can see them enjoying the items, than to leave it to them in your will? My husband and I don't worry about eBay or yard sales or making money from our stuff. We donate to a local thrift store whose profits go to cancer research; to a women's shelter; to Friends of the Library. But don't think I'm a paragon of letting go! I'm still working on family photos, too many (beloved) books (some written by members of this group!), DVDs, CDs. Now, when I go into a store, "collectibles" just look like items for a yard sale to me. But sisters, I hear ya. It's still hard. I'm still working on it!

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  31. I took pictures of sentimental treasures - like my mother's mixer and donated. My sister took some of the "time"pieces and sold them on Ebay to. Hollywood set designer.

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  32. I don't have a house or a basement. I have an apartment an an attic big enough to keep my holiday stuff but that's it. I have wind glasses of my mom's, the type for sherry or port, that I have never used. I have Pilsner glasses too, and no one ever drinks beer here. I now use my mom's china as my only set of dishes. I am trying to give their photos to my grandchildren (one of which doesn't speak to me thanks to her parents), but I don't have a car and haven't found anyone to help. I am severely arthritic and am getting rid of clutter now because that condition just gets worse. My son, meanwhile, has FOUR storages and lives in a shelter!!!

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