JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Tomorrow is, of course, Mother’s Day, when we celebrate moms - our own, or those who took us under their wing, or those who have stood in place of a mother.
My relationship with my mother was as complicated as most of ours are; I loved her very much and she could drive me crazy like no one else. She was caring, energetic, had a razor-sharp wit and would have been a CEO if she’d been born in a different time. She lived through a lot, and she wanted to share the wisdom she’d gained, thus, the driving-me-crazy part.
The older I’ve gotten, though, the more I realize, well, how right my mother was about many things. Being firm but very polite does make people want to help solve your problem. People will treat you differently depending on how you’re dressed. One glass of wine while cooking dinner and one while eating it should be enough for anyone sensible. Investing regularly in a no-load index fund is the surest way to build wealth.
The most right thing she ever said to me? “You should be a writer.” Yep, it was my mom who first told me that was where my talents lie - and this was after I’d gotten a masters and a JD.
How about you, Reds? What was your mother right about?
RHYS BOWEN: I’m
trying to think. My mother was not an easy person when I was growing up. School
principal. Hyper critical later we had a great relationship but I see now
that she was overworked, over stressed and had awful migraines. I wish she had
given me more advice but frankly I can’t remember much. When I wanted to apply
to RADA she did say to get my degree first then I’d have something to fall back
on if acting didn’t work. I got my degree and went into the production side
instead. Was that good advice? I sold my first play to the BBC so maybe it was.
HALLIE EPHRON: My mother was a Hollywood screenwriter. WAY ahead of her time. For each of the four of us she picked first names that would still define us if/when we got married and acquired a new last name. And she wanted us to have real jobs, WORK and creative lives in a man’s world. She was aghast that I wanted to be a teacher. Too traditionally female. It took 20 years for my expectations to catch up with hers.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Most of the things my mom passed on to me were by example, love of
travel, love of learning, an expectation that I could accomplish things. She
worked from the time she left school and became an equal partner in my parents’
business. She NEVER encouraged or expected me to just get married and have
kids. With only a highschool education, she fully supported my various forays
in higher education, but when I wanted to transfer into a respected four-year
liberal arts college, she insisted that I first take a secretarial course, so
that I “could always make a living.” That turned out to be great advice, even
if not quite in the way she expected!
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, my mom was always right. Just ask her.
Sometimes,
now, when something happens that I know she’d love–or more likely, criticize–I
wish she were here to give her pronouncements. And I wish she were here so I
could tell her how often she was right. I remember asking her why she was
always so critical of me–and she’d say: “I’m not criticizing, I’m just
observing.”
If I got an A, she’d be annoyed that it wasn’t an A-plus. Nothing was ever ever enough. I’m not sure I’ve ever stopped trying to please her. And you know, that might not actually be a bad thing.
Her advice: Never have your photo taken holding a glass of wine. Never wear a color not found in nature. And, a word for word maxim, “thoughtful consideration of others is the sign of a true lady.”
LUCY BURDETTE:
Like Debs, I think I learned more from my mother by watching than her
pronouncements. She loved animals, her family, food, reading. I did not learn
about her desserts from her as she didn’t have a sweet tooth and wasn’t a baker
except for Christmas cookies and birthday cakes (I think the latter were from
mixes.) John and I always laugh about her sex education talk: “One day you will
love a man the way you do your cat.” He says he’s still waiting:).
Happy mother’s day to all mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, teachers, therapists–so many should get credit and thanks for taking care of the world!
JENN McKINLAY:
My mom is one of my besties. She has the unique ability to love her people
unconditionally, so even when her people do something thoughtless or make a bad
choice, she is very clear that she’s in your corner and will help you even
while calling you a dumbass. I think the best advice she ever gave me was when
I was pregnant. She said, “As you start, so shall you go.” It made me aware
that how I chose to parent the Hooligans would set the foundation for our
relationship for the rest of their lives. Happy to say the Hooligans are now
two of my besties, so Mom was right per usual.
JULIA: Dear readers, what was your mother (or mother-like-person) right about?
My mom taught us by example: be kind, work hard, do the right thing, don't jump to conclusions, be someone others can count on, love unconditionally. She said treating others with respect was a reflection of who we were [and, of course, she was right about all of it] . . . .
ReplyDeleteThose are the best lessons, Joan.
DeleteMy mom wasn't an out-in-the-world go-getter. What I learned from her was more on the domestic and outdoorsy side. She could and did sew anything and everything, including at least nine complicated ballet costumes for my sisters and me every spring. I still see her hands sewing beautiful quilts in her retirement, cutting and pinning and hand stitching. She baked and decorated amazing cakes. She taught me on our many family and girl scout camping trips how to identify birds and the stars and wildflowers. She made us a puppet theater out of a refrigerator box and a box of puppets out of socks and buttons and scraps, all for zero cost.
ReplyDeleteI had my clashes with her when I was heading off to college, when the world I wanted was very different from how hers had been - no sweater sets, no sorority, no young marriage. When I became a mom, we grew closer again. She had concrete advice like, "Instead of telling them no and don't touch in a store, give them something positive to do, like put your hands behind your back or in your pockets." Brilliant.
She lived by the Golden Rule, and often argued the case of the underdog, and she was kind to all. I miss her.
And I totally forgot the writing piece of it! A, she had bookshelves full of crime fiction that I cut my teeth on. And B, she told me I was a good writer when I was obsessively writing short fiction as an eight year old. Both stuck with me. Thank you, Mommy.
DeleteEdith, it sounds like you inherited her creativity, just in a different format!
DeleteIt's a good thing I'm still in Romania (home tomorrow) typing with my finger, or I'd be tempted to go on about my mother's influence on me for too long. I'll say two things. One was that she read--especially mysteries--whenever she could, although she worked first part-time and then fulltime as a librarian and did all the household stuff plus being wife and mother. So she taught my sister and me to love reading. I'll also say that she was shy outside the family and disliked conflict, but I still saw her stand up to people many times when she thought something or someone was unfair, not so much unfair to her as to another person. I don't remember her ever telling my sister and me to stand up for what we thought was right, but she taught by example.
ReplyDeleteThat's the best way to teach, isn't it, Kim. We want a full report on Romania after you get home!
DeleteMy mother had been very ill with rheumatoid arthritis with many of the crippling affects. Yet she still had dinner on the table every evening and drove us where we needed to go. Persevering through pain, she was always in pain. She died of an aneurysm when I was 18. A Victorian at heart, she died before witnessing how the Sexual Revolution suited her only daughter.
ReplyDeleteThe women in the family were always spouting wise (or superstitious) sayings. One of my mom's best was, "You have to be a friend to have a friend." It took years for me to fully understand it!
Sh sounds like a truly amazing and admirable woman, Judy. I'm sorry you lost her so young.
DeleteI could write a book about my mother. Oh wait, I did! A novella, LITTLE ANN, is based on my family--the title character has my mom's name, and her story parallels my mom's in many ways. She also taught us by example. A neighbor kid, now grown, once commented to my sister: "I don't know how they did it--a roof over your heads, food on the table, and always room for two extra mouths to feed." (Two little boys who lost their mom in a tragic incident and a father who was a drunk). She took care of people--her people, strays, the innocent, the hurt--animals, too. And she had a great sense of humor and never ever gave up on any of us, no matter what kind of dumbass things we managed to do. Grief lessens over time, but the missing never ends.
ReplyDeleteAnd Flora, it seems you continued in your mother's footsteps with your nephews, yes?
DeleteKaren, youngest nephew gave me the greatest compliment this morning--he said if he hadn't had me in his life, he didn't know how he might have turned out. I'm choking up now just remembering. I was the lucky one! To get to be a part of their lives!
DeleteWhat a tender gift. Happy Mother's Day!
DeleteHappy Mother's Day to all here!
DeleteIndeed, Happy Mother's Day, Flora!
DeleteIn addition to all the admonitions about "nice girls" and what they should and shouldn't do, Mom had a healthy disrespect for politicians. She knew her facts and argued her case at the dinner table. Her grandchildren were the wormy apples of her eye, always in need of more "guidance." And she did tell me, more than once, to use my writing talents.
ReplyDeleteMargaret, my mom told me aspirin was an effect form of birth control - take one tablet and hold it tightly between my knees. But then she had my dad, Mr. No Premarital Sex Ever, teach me about condoms before I left for college. She was always balanced between her standards and realism.
DeleteMy mother never preached or criticized. There was just an atmosphere of expectation in our home and no one wanted to disappoint her or Dad. Reading and education were important. I knew that I could do anything I set my mind to doing and be resourceful and a problem solver.
ReplyDeleteThe best compliment anyone could give me is that I am just like my mom. I love and miss her dearly.
Brenda, that's how I wanted to raise my kids - not with criticism, but with high expectations and assurance the kids could meet them. Your mom sounds very special.
DeleteMy mother had a difficult life. Her father died horribly when she was seven and she was basically abandoned by her own mother and raised by her grandmother. Her life, rightly or wrongly, was determined by her need to be accepted. I loved her more than anything but her insecurities seemed on display for as long as I can remember. My wife's mother has a similar tale -- her father died early and her mother committed suicide out of grief; she was raised by a loving aunt and uncle, but her uncle was a gambler and her aunt was manic-depressive. We determined to break the cycle with out girls. They grew up to a double mantra: "Who do we listen to? "We listen to Mommy" and, "Who's always right?" "Mommy's always right." I seemed to have worked. All five of the grands were raised with the same mantras.
ReplyDeleteJerry, sometimes the best thing our flawed parent can do is teach us by example to work hard not to pass on the hard lessons that were taught to them.
DeleteBoth of my parents were described repeatedly as "saints" at their funerals. Though it wasn't exactly true, they were definitely a tough act to follow. A friend of mine once said, "It makes me almost glad my father was a drunk!"
ReplyDeleteMy mother, born in Alabama in 1923, was smart, kind, and confident. She loved people. She did not give advice; she listened and asked questions. She was such a focused listener that when late in life she became hard of hearing, her own lips would move as she concentrated to follow what you were saying. She was tough-minded but generous. Her criticisms of others tended to be mild: "So-and-so is... limited." (A notable exception was made in the case of Trent Lott, a young senator from Mississippi who pushed racist ideas.) In an era when it was remarkable, she went back to school in 1970 and became a psychiatric social worker and family therapist. Though of all five children I looked the most like her, I do not have her outgoing, open-hearted, magnetic personality. We were all different and she fiercely loved us all. I was at her bedside when she died in 2004 and with her passing I thought I had survived the worst thing life could throw at me. (Selden)
Selden, what a tribute to a remarkable woman!
DeleteLooking back now, I see that my mom took care of all the household responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, sewing my clothes) while she was seriously ill with kidney failure. She was exhausted, had low energy for the first 8 years of my life. After she got her kidney transplant, her energy level increased dramatically. Being a organ transplant recepient she had weird physical side effects from taking anti-rejection drugs for 30+ years but she was stoic, never complaining. So I learned aboit resilience & inner strength from her.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was lucky to have her support when I left Toronto to go to university against my dad's wishes. But I had a full scholarship, a few of her chosen kitchenware pieces (those Paul Revere pots we talked about a few days ago) & copies of my favourite recipes to set up my first apt in Waterloo, Ontario.
On the down side, I could never keep my apt up to mom's high standards, even when I was in my 30s! When she came to visit, my mom would rewash my dishes & re-iron my work clothes. SIGH, I wish she was still around to chastise me about my messiness.
And I cherish the 2 times we went on solo vacation together in my 20s: a 2 week bus tour of Canadian Maritimes & US New England & a 7-week DIY trip to Europe & UK by Eurail/Britrail. I learned so much about her likes & dislikes on those trips. She had a zest for eating eclectic food that she could never enjoy at home since my dad had a limited food palate. And she was a cosmopolitan big city person who loved haute couture fashion & art. When she suddenly passed away in 2003, i learned to not take life for granted. I really started to embrace & enjoy my solo travels at work and vacation.
Oh, the recipes! I have my mother's Joy of Cooking. I think she only ever made chicken paprikash but that cookbook was her bedtime reading.
DeleteWhat great lesson to learn, Grace, and we all get to see you living it out!
DeleteI am loving reading all these memories of mothers. My own was kind and generous and a remarkable listener. I try to emulate her in these traits. She died last year and I'll quote Flora from here today: "Grief lessens over time, but the missing never ends."
ReplyDeleteAMANDA: The first year without your mother is hard! xx
DeleteI remember thinking "I should call her to tell her about x or y", she would love it!
But of course then realizing that I couldn't.
Oh, for over a year I would have that same thought, Grace. "I should call Mom---" but you can't.
DeleteI was born first, not the first born as he came 4th, and she always let me be my father’s child. It may have been self-preservation on her part, as my sister (you know her well!) was a girly and then rebellious child, so by getting rid of one to what she preferred to do (fix furnaces, hang wall-paper, etc) she would have the frilly one.
ReplyDeleteShe taught me that mysteries are the best books, even if I didn’t like her taste in John MacDonald and that books could be discussed amongst three generations over mail. She introduced me to Agatha Christie which was my entry into the mystery fold. She always took us to the library and encouraged us to read our own books – whatever we wanted. Sometimes she would even buy one for us.
The other thing, well maybe two, was always eat the leftover pie for breakfast the next morning especially if it is pumpkin, and always, always, always, clear the plates from the dining room table, close the door in between, and slice and eat another (large) bit of the roast! Noone will ever know!
Extremely practical lessons on living and eating well, Margo!
DeleteMy mother would not tolerate racism. I have never forgotten her anger when her innocent twins came home with a rhyme that included a racial slur. Good lesson though! She found happiness by having her own career and was always fiercely independent, qualities she passed down to all her daughters. Like Debs, my mom never pressured us to marry and have children. She wanted us to be self-supporting and happy.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your mother was of the same generation as mine, Gillian - raised in one world, the 40s and 50s - but came of age in another, the 60s and 70s. My mom started her own career when I left for college and didn't stop working until well into her 60s. She taught her daughter we always needed to be able to support ourselves and any children we might have, a lesson she learned painfully herself.
DeleteMy mother was a constant reader, but still made time for housework and yardwork, whereas I am simply a constant reader! But you have to love her because it was she who introduced me to the books of Julia and Rhys! I am sure she is now reading over my shoulder but I doubt she is very interested in all of the political news I seem to find myself reading the most.
ReplyDeleteIn the afterworld they deserve, Judi, our mothers get to read, garden and play bridge as much as they like, well away from the ceaseless tumult that is life. They already did their time.
DeleteMy mom taught us to be respectful and to do the right thing. She also taught us that nothing will be handed to us because of our skin color, so we have to show them who we are and what we will be and be proud of all that we will accomplish. Most of all, I got my love of reading from my mom.
ReplyDeleteDru Ann, those are good (and tough) lessons. I can easily imagine the extra things mother of color or immigrant mothers need to teach their kids. Much respect to them, and to your mom.
DeleteMy mother was born in 1924 and married my dad during WWII, so much of her life was driven by the times in which she lived. In the moment, I often felt little respect for her life choices. In hindsight, though, I recognize that many hadn't involved much choice at all.
ReplyDeleteMom was very loving and nurturing. As she grew into old age she became almost a baby whisperer. She could calm ANYONE'S unhappy infant. She was also always supportive of young mothers and went out of her way to say a kind and encouraging word, such as praising young mothers for having their children in church and reassuring them that their children were well behaved.
She was an avid reader, especially of mysteries, and instilled that love in me. She was always supportive of my dreams and aspirations and I always knew she was proud of me. She had grown up in the Jim Crow south and I had the pleasure of watching her do a complete 180 on racial topics over the course of my life. She died one month before her 91st birthday, well respected in her community as a gentle, polite, true lady. Yet just a few days before she died she put the executive director of the senior center in her place with gentle but firm words so gracious no one could fault her for them.
Susan, I had a grandmother born and bred in Alabama, and I see a lot of her in your description of your mother. There is something special about the ladies from that place and time.
DeleteHALLIE: My Mom always wanted to be a teacher, though she was a feminist. Her grandmothers were suffragists. My Mom became a teacher and taught for 50 years before retiring. Interesting that your Mom thought teaching was too traditional because during the Great Depression my great Aunt was the sole financial support of her family working as a schoolteacher. Her husband worked but it was hard finding work during the Great Depression.
ReplyDeleteSo interesting - thanks for sharing that... My mother also insisted that I learned to type so I'd have something to fall back on. (It's good to remember that once upon a time, pre-suffragists, mostly men were teachers and women teachers lost their jobs if they got pregnant.)
DeleteWhat wonderful memories.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is still going at 95, still loving up every baby she can get her hands on, still causing trouble, and still, despite macular degeneration, reading avidly. And still buying new clothes in order to stay in fashion. How's that for optimism?
Mother really doesn't give advice; she mostly scolded and criticized while raising four kids under trying circumstances, while working full-time and staying ahead of bill collectors unpaid by my alcoholic dad, and then after his early death. As Larry McMurty put it, she would talk to a stump, making conversation with everyone. I've embarrassed my kids on four continents doing the same.
Happy Mother's Day !
DeleteOh gosh, she sounds divine!
DeleteMy mom was a risk taker who really never met a stranger. At the age of 17 she left a small town in Washington State to become one of the first University trained nurses. From that day forward she worked in many types of nursing from Public Health on the original Skid Row, to private duty nursing so her kids could afford music lessons. Her first born my sister, was the peace maker, and I the rebel.
ReplyDeleteWe were too much alike I think; but we could look at each other and laugh at the foolishness in the news. Now looking back at her strength, kindness and determination to make a change in the world, I am so glad that I did listen (reluctantly) to her wisdom.
My mother came from a large family. Although she was in the middle, she was always given the responsibilities. When she went out with friends she had to take her younger siblings.
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather owned some small rental properties. My mother, who was about 9 or 10, was sent to collect the rent. Sometimes she had to deal with renters who were not always receptive to her being there such as the drunk man who chased her out with a poker in hand. When told about it, my
grandfather felt sorry for the family because the man used to ‘drink away the money’ so my grandfather sent groceries to the house.
She was always supportive. She was an optimist but often frustrated because though my father was a nice person he was not ambitious and always had a negative view so my mother was the primary support for the family and be the one to get anything done.
She was a wonderful creative cook (I still miss some of the dishes she made) but neither my father nor my brother would eat a wide variety of foods, it was just my mother and me.
I was always shy, but people were drawn to her and she could talk to anyone.
She always encouraged and believed in me in anything I wanted to do.
She and I had an opportunity to take a number of trips together through the US, Canada and Europe and she was a wonderful traveling companion.
She had an intellectual curiosity about a wide variety of subjects but was never able fulfill it by going to college. She was the concertmaster in her high school orchestra and encouraged my interest in the violin although I never reached her level.
Although she has been gone for many years, something will come up that I think I have to tell her about but can’t.
Part of a Jewish prayer: As long as we live, they too shall live, they are now a part of you…
I think about her and miss her every day.
Wonderful comments, everyone! A childhood friend and I were talking about our Mothers because we lucked out in the Mom department. Our mothers encouraged us to be independent. Despite our "disability" as deaf children, our deafness Never seemed to bother our Mothers. Our mothers learned Sign Language to communicate with us. We both are close to our mothers. One big difference is that my childhood friend was an only child until she was 8 years old after her Mom married again and had another child while I remained an only child.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom taught me to read the Sunday comics before I started Catholic school and by the time I started, I was ready to learn how to read and write. She introduced me to Shakespeare. She taught Shakespeare to her high school students and took us all to the Renaissance Faire and to the Dickens Christmas Faire. My Dad would tag along. What is interesting is that my Mom and I have different temperaments and I think I'm more athletic yet we still get along. I could write a book about my Mom and the legacy of my Grandmother aka Nana. My mom let me develop my own personality and be who I want to be, which I greatly appreciate.
Happy Mother's Day to mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and women who are like surrogate mothers.
My mother was born in 1921, and had two older siblings, and one younger. She was kind, generous, compassionate, and could find the humor in any situation. The latter trait is something she passed along to all of us. She was an avid reader, along with my dad, and the love for reading was also passed down to all of us. (There were five of us kids; I’m the oldest.) She loved gardening, birdwatching, collecting seashells, among other outdoor activities. She was quite artistic and crafty. We had a lot of financial struggles when I was growing up. Mom managed to make us healthy meals on a tight budget. I could continue describing her; I feel blessed to have had her as a mother, and I still miss her. She was my best friend. She went into cardiac arrest while having a routine heart procedure done, and never regained consciousness. She died a week later, two days after Christmas in 1997. (My dad died nineteen years earlier.) To this day, if I run into people I barely know, but who knew her, they start crying.
ReplyDeleteI learned a lot from her, but one thing that really sticks with me is that she would tell us not to worry about things that seem like the end of the world, that things have a way of working out. I finally got around to taking her advice in middle age(I’m now 76, the same age she was when she died). and Mom was right!
Deb